Here I Am

Because I can still remember all the prayers I thought you forgot.

The nights I spent crying.

Asking you what I did to deserve any of this.

Because I was miserable. I was lonely. And because I felt forgotten.

But then here I am.

And I am only here because of You.

Because you pursued me.

And you brought me even closer to you.

This entire time. There you were. Right beside me.

Loving.

Pursuing.

Even when I messed up.

When I gave up trusting you.

When I was convinced my way was better.

When I thought you had better things to do.

When I was too ashamed to talk to you.

There you were.

Loving.

Pursuing.

Because you knew better.

You knew this place.

You knew him.

And you knew that he was exactly what I needed.

Because you heard every prayer.

Because you caught every tear.

And because you knew exactly what I deserved- even better than I did.

Because you always keep your promises.

Because you’re still not done.

And because you’re still at it.

Loving.

Pursuing.

Lord, thank you. Thank you for all of this. For this life you have created for me. For him. Lord, you are so good. Help me to trust more. To be reminded of how good You are everyday. Even in this world of brokenness and hurt. You are still good. And we can put our hope in you. Lord, thank you for loving me and pursuing me even when I begged you to just leave me alone. You are so good, Lord. Lord, thank you for being such a good father to me. Help me to grow into Your ways, Lord. Give me a new heart.Help me to trust you, Lord. Without ceasing. But mostly, Lord, thank you. Just thank you. In Your Name I pray. Amen.

All Wrong

Y’all, I think I’ve been doing it all wrong. 

Let me start off by asking you the same question someone asked me. 

“Why do you go to church on Sunday morning?” 

I didn’t even have to think about the answer. 

I go because it’s what I do. I go because of how I feel when I’m there. I go because I want my kids to be raised in a church. 

And sure, there’s nothing really wrong with those answers, but there is something missing from those answers. 

Let me ask you another question.

“Why do you read the Bible?”

To comfort myself. To educate myself. To find answers. 

Again, nothing wrong with those answers and yet, they are still missing something. 

Y’all, I’ve been doing it all wrong. 

Because this whole time I’ve made it about myself. 

What can God do for me? 

I never really thought of it like that. I thought I was doing right by reading the Bible and going to church every Sunday. 

You know me, dotting my i’s and crossing my t’s. 

But the truth is, it should never be about me. 

It should be about Him. 

Yes, the beautiful thing about Him is that when we honor Him and we praise Him, it does something for us too. It gives us that warm, fuzzy feeling that so many of us long for. But it isn’t about that feeling. 

It’s about Him.

I have been to church for answers. For when I’m having a bad week, a bad day, a bad morning. You name it. I go and I try to make myself feel better.

What can you do for me? 

When I’m struggling in life, as a single mother, with finances, relationships, you name it. I flip open my Bible and I try to make myself feel better. 

But, it isn’t about me. 

Whether I’m happy or sad or stressed or not, it isn’t about me. 

It should be about Him. 

I should be praising Him and worshiping Him despite what my personal life looks like. 

It should never be about what He can do for me, but rather, what I can do for Him. 

Now, in the grand scheme of things I realize I really can’t do much for Him. Truth be told, He doesn’t need me. But thankfully, He doesn’t expect much.

And instead of showing up on Sunday mornings for me, I can show up for Him. 

I can stop worrying about what He can do for me and I can just show up for Him. 

I can love Him. 

I can love Him with my whole heart.

Instead of opening up my Bible to answer all the questions I have to the unfairness of life, I can just be grateful for His living word.

I can just spend time with Him. 

Now, I’m not saying we can’t pray. Or that we shouldn’t pray. I firmly believe that in order to be in a relationship with God, we need to be able to talk to Him. 

And I don’t know about you, but my life would be even more of a wreck if I wasn’t able to pray to Him.

But instead of focusing on the prayer. Instead of focusing on the desired outcome of the specific prayer. Perhaps, I could focus on the action. 

The very blessing that it is to be able to go to Him in prayer. (Thank you Jesus)

Truth be told, I can find myself off track, a lot. 

Desiring my will instead of His.

I’m there right now. 

Boldly praying for Him to do things my way. 

But I think I have it all wrong. 

The bold part is not asking Him to do things my way, it’s being able to talk to Him at all. 

Because it’s not about me. It’s about Him. 

Because, y’all. I’ve been doing it all wrong. 

It was never actually about me. That’s the sin and the brokenness in our world. That’s the reminder that I desperately need Him in all things. 

Even in these kinds of things. 

Because I mess up. 

Because even when it’s about Him, I make it about me. 

Lord, help me to make it about you. 


Enough. 

Seek peace and pursue it. (Psalm 34:14)

Every so often, as I am spending time in God’s word do I stop and go, ‘That. That’s what He wants me to write about.’ 

I read it over and over. 

Seek peace and pursue it. 

At first, I was convinced it had to do with my life. What had been going on. 

Life was crazy. Things happened. I had been running away for a long time. Too scared to come back. Too scared to look Him in the eye.

So surely, this is what He was laying on my heart. This. Finding peace within myself. Peace through Him. Peace from this small town that I didn’t always care for. 

And maybe I was sort of right. 

But that wasn’t it. I didn’t feel the words flying out of my fingertips the way they do when He gives me the words. 

And then it happened. 

It has covered my facebook feed. Twitter has been going crazy. It’s on the news. It’s on the streets. It’s in the eyes of my dearest friends. 

And it has been something that I didn’t even have the slightest clue was happening. 

It was because of my privilege that I was clueless. Oh, the irony. 

Brothers and sisters, I am talking to you. 

Church, I am talking to you.

But mostly, I am talking to myself.

Seek peace and pursue it. 

Because there should be no reason for this mess we’ve gotten ourselves in. 

Because there should be no reason why someone is hated because of their skin color. 

Because we shouldn’t even be seeing skin color.

Because we are all His children. 

Because we are all made in His image.

Because, quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of hearing ‘All lives matter’.

Because it isn’t about us anymore.

Because I’m afraid of the people I see on the TV. Not because I think they’ll hurt me, but because I have a feeling I know more people just like them than I ever realized. 

Because no one should leave their house worried about what could happen just because they don’t look like me. 

Because I’m not talking about jobs or pay or social injustices like that. No, what I am talking about is people of color having to worry about coming home simply because they are people of color. 

Brother and sisters, I am talking to you.

Church, I am talking to you.

Seek peace and pursue it.

Because our brothers and sisters are hurting. 

Because He calls us to love one another as He has loved us and I’m not sure that we are understanding just what He meant.

Because what is happening right now is not making America great again. 

And because now I am talking to you. 

To my friends who don’t look like me.

I am sorry. 

I know these are just words on a screen, but I am sorry.

I am sorry I didn’t understand sooner.

I am sorry I didn’t speak up sooner.

I am sorry I didn’t seek peace sooner. 

I am sorry that my heart did not break sooner.

But know this. I am choosing to stand with you. 

I am choosing to love you.

I am choosing to speak up on your behalf and use my privelage to let you be heard. 

Because I will not be associated with what’s going on.

I will not let them decide where I belong based on the color of my skin.

Because I refuse to raise my children in a world where one is better than the other.

And because now I am talking to you.

Love them too. 

I know what I am asking seems ridiculous.

And I know that you could come up with many reasons why I should never ask this of you.

But be better than they are.

Seek peace and pursue it. 

Even when it’s hard. 

Even when it seems pointless. 

Because He is peace. 

And we should all be pursuing Him. 

Lord, I know to many it might seem like you are not here. But I know that isn’t true. Lord, I know your heart is breaking like ours. Lord, be with us. Be with all of us. Help us to pray for each other. Help us to pray when it hurts, Lord. Help us to pray even when we don’t have the words. Lord, love on those who are hurting. Lord, use me. Help me to do what you have called me to do. Lord, help us to seek peace and pursue it. Lord, I pray this in your name for your honor and glory. Amen.


Caught

My sin finally caught up with me. 

I'm not sure how long I thought I could outrun it. Out smart it. And, well, just ignore it. 

But I tried. 

I tried really hard.

But it finally caught up with me. 

I expected an outrage. Punishment. 

I expected to be shamed. Hated. 

And so I hid. 

I hid for a long time. 

I hid behind these words. I hid behind you. Anything I could do to hide, I did. 

But my sin finally caught up with me.

I stood there, face to face with it. 

And you want to know something? 

It wasn't as bad as I thought. 

Yes, it was bad. Yes, it broke God's heart. But it didn't define me. 

It didn't control me. 

And it didn't make Him love me any less. 

Because that's who He is. 

The world would have you believe that He couldn't love us. That He couldn't forgive us. 

That it would have to be up to us to make it better.

Y'all. The world is wrong. 

He loves us. Period.

He loves us even when we don't love ourselves. 

When we can't love ourselves. 

Because what the world uses to hurt us, He uses to love us. 

To meet us wherever we are. 

And to say, "I love you, anyways." 

It's not to justify our sin. Or to make it okay. But it's to remind us that even though we are broken, He is not. 

Even though we fall short, He never will. 

Even though we can't, He can. 

So, I finally stopped running. 

I finally stopped hiding.

Because I finally let my sin catch up to me. 

Just Go For It!

I get goosebumps when I realize that not only am I part of a huge social movement to change the world we live in and raise our kids in, but the world is taking note!

Washington is paying attention. We are being heard loud and clear! The demand for safe products isn’t a trend. People are starting to realize that they deserve better. And we’re getting the conversation started.

But even in our mission to bring safe products into the hands of everyone, we still believe and appreciate the business side of the equation. We really do believe that you can have it all because just look, we do.

The financial opportunity that Beautycounter offers is unlike any other company that I know. For less than $1000 you could start and own your own business. By following our simple system and being coachable, I can help you make back your investment in 1 to 2 months. Things like this don’t happen often. They only come around once in a lifetime, don’t let this opportunity pass you by. Don’t look back a few years from now and say ‘I wish I had just gone for it.’

Just go for it.

‘What about the risks?’ What risks? Worse thing that could happen is that you made the switch to safer products for you, your family, and those you love.

These are products we use every single day. These are things that we buy anyways. So, really, there are no risks.

This is seriously just so inspiring. These brilliant and beautiful women, Gregg, Christy, Mia and so many others have created this incredible opportunity and I’m pinching myself that I found it in the most perfect timing!

Please watch and share this segment. Because it’s happening!

For more information on how you can lock arms with us email me at beautycounter@laurenfalber.com or visit my website: http://www.laurenfalber.beautycounter.com

XXOO!!

Learn more about the Beautycounter mission from Founder & CEO, Gregg Renfrew, by calling 888.988.5452

“I just do.”

I just got done listening to yesterday’s sermon from my church. Funny, before listening I had prayed to God to really speak to me. To let me know He was here.

The truth is, I haven’t felt very close to God lately. I’ve been busy. I know that’s an awful excuse, but the truth is I can get pretty caught up with life that I just, kind of, forget about Him. Really, it’s the little things. I still pray. I still do my devotionals everyday, but it’s the mundane life that usually keeps me away.

Like, when my marriage was falling apart and I had reached a place of utter desperation, it was easy for me to lean on Him. I needed Him. I couldn’t do it alone, but when it comes to things like my job or my paycheck or how I’m going to pay the bills this month, those things I kind of depend on myself for. I know I shouldn’t. Trust me, I know.

But I’m always trying to prove myself. Most people think that I am super cool and super confident all of the time. From my tattoos and my piercings (back in the day) to my ‘don’t give a sh*t’ attitude you would think, because that’s what I wanted, that I had it all together. That I didn’t care what other people thought.

Truth? I care a lot. Probably too much.

I live everyday of my life trying to prove to myself and to complete strangers that I have got it all together. My life. My family. My career. All of it. It’s perfect and it’s exactly how I want it to be.

Is it bad? No. I’m very blessed. I really do believe I have it all, but I certainly don’t have it all together.

I remember one time while Justin and I were separated I went to the grocery store by myself. I hadn’t been out for a few weeks. I felt like everyone knew that my marriage was falling apart. I couldn’t manipulate the situation to make them see what I wanted them to see. I was vulnerable and exposed. And I didn’t really care for that.

It felt good to get out of the house. To drive the car. To get a break from the kids, but as I walked up and down each aisle I became increasingly angry.

Liars! All of these ‘happy’ couples walking around the store or the singles on the phone with whomever was waiting at home for them, they were all liars in my book. No one was that happy. How did I know? Because I, too, had been a liar.

During the 9 weeks we spent apart I did a lot of thinking. For so long I had convinced myself that if I had just done this or that or if I was this or that then we would have the perfect marriage, the perfect family. I would be the perfect mother. The perfect career woman. I would have it all.

As I listened to yesterday’s sermon I realized that I was on a hamster wheel, going, going, going, never reaching my destination. Constantly comparing myself to everyone else. Creating false images in my head of how it was supposed to look. And setting myself and my family up for failure because I had based our success on lies.

I still want to work hard. I still want to succeed in my business, family, marriage, looks, weight and more. I do. But a weight has been lifted.

He doesn’t look at those things. Those things don’t define me. In His eyes, I am enough. You are enough.

I don’t know how that makes you feel when you actually sit down to think about that. I still struggle to believe it. Because I don’t see righteousness in me. I see a very broken, flawed, individual who can never seem to get it right. I see failure and disappointment. I see screw up’s and mistakes. I see defeat.

But the truth is He already won. We can be victors too. We are actually already.

But our eyes are flawed. The only way to see what we really are is through His eyes.

We don’t need to understand it. We couldn’t if we tried because it just doesn’t make any sense. He shouldn’t see us the way He does. He should see us the way we see ourselves. We are broken. And flawed. We always fall short. But He loves us so much that He doesn’t want to see us that way and so He sent His only son to die for us, to bear all of those ‘truths’ for us, so He could see the righteousness of Jesus Christ in us.

Think about that. Every time He looks at us, at you, at me, He sees Jesus Christ’s righteousness. And that’s it.

It’s not just on somedays or on the days when we’ve really done a good job, it’s all of the time.

So why do we compare ourselves to others? Why do we make up these images of ‘success’ in our minds? Why are we wasting our time trying to prove to everyone else that we are something? He already knows. Like a father, He is so proud of us already.

Why isn’t that good enough?

With Him there’s no hamster wheel. There’s no earning it. Deserving it. It just is. He loves us so much that it just is.

My prayer for us today is that we get to see ourselves the way He does. Even if it’s just one time. I just want to know what He sees when He looks at me. What about me is so great? How can He even love me? I’m such a mess most days. And more often than not I don’t deserve His love or grace. I’m a terrible representation of who He is. I just don’t get it.

“I just do.”

Be sure to check out HopePointe’s sermon What’s Your Brand? In Christ you are Righteous. I can’t recommend the sermon series enough!

To Be Continued…

It never seems to fail. Every time I think things are good or looking up, I get knocked right back down. 

Lately, I stumble trying to pick back up the pieces. I feel so broken and lately, if I can be honest, I’ve been focusing much more on the brokenness and less on Him. 

I’ll be honest again, I’m mad. I am so mad at Him. I’m ready for the results, the finish line, and for some reason, I can’t get there. 

9 weeks of this. 9 weeks of not knowing. Of letting everyone else decide what’s going to happen to me and my life. 9 weeks. I am peeved (and that’s putting it nicely).

I’m having a hard time understanding. I am scared to let go of what’s going on anymore because, quite frankly, I don’t like the way it’s being handled. 

No results. No steps forward. I’ve become stagnant. I’ve become motionless. 

I have been through hell and back, and while I believed for awhile that I had put some distance between myself and hell, I realize now I’m closer than I thought. 

It scares me. I was so secure. So confident. And somehow I’ve become disoriented and I have forgotten. 

‘Do you trust me?’ 

I don’t know anymore. 6 weeks ago, I knew I did, but I just don’t know anymore. 

I feel like I just keep getting hurt the more I trust Him. I keep finding myself  disappointed every time I trust Him. Not in Him, but because I have my own idea of how things should work. 

Oh man, there it is again. Control. 

I think back to Peter and how he chose to live his life. He trusted Jesus completely. He still stumbled and proved that he was simply human, but he trusted Him.

I want so badly to be like Peter, but I’m so tired of crying and hurting and being hurt. I’m tired of making justifications up in my head so I don’t feel stupid. I’m tired of putting on a show pretending I am strong when it takes every ounce of strength I have to get out of the bed each morning.

The truth is I am a mess. A sobbing, broken, untrusting mess and the sad thing is I’m choosing to be all these things. 

The even sadder thing is I know better. 

I have been so hurt and betrayed by people who were supposed to love me that I often compare myself to that of an abused dog. I cower away, afraid to really trust anyone because I’m tired of hurting. I am tired of being manipulated. I’m tired of the pain. 

And so

 I trust no one. Not even Him, apparently. 

Is my way better? Absolutely not. But at least I know what to expect. I just want to catch a break. 

‘Do you hear me? I just want to catch a break!!’ 

I wish I could finish this with a revalation. An ‘ah-ha’ moment that brings me falling to my knees. I wish I could tell you that I can hear Him loud and clear and that I know what to do next. I wish for anything but what I’m about to tell you. But I don’t. I’ve got nothing. 

To be continued…