Here I Am

Because I can still remember all the prayers I thought you forgot.

The nights I spent crying.

Asking you what I did to deserve any of this.

Because I was miserable. I was lonely. And because I felt forgotten.

But then here I am.

And I am only here because of You.

Because you pursued me.

And you brought me even closer to you.

This entire time. There you were. Right beside me.

Loving.

Pursuing.

Even when I messed up.

When I gave up trusting you.

When I was convinced my way was better.

When I thought you had better things to do.

When I was too ashamed to talk to you.

There you were.

Loving.

Pursuing.

Because you knew better.

You knew this place.

You knew him.

And you knew that he was exactly what I needed.

Because you heard every prayer.

Because you caught every tear.

And because you knew exactly what I deserved- even better than I did.

Because you always keep your promises.

Because you’re still not done.

And because you’re still at it.

Loving.

Pursuing.

Lord, thank you. Thank you for all of this. For this life you have created for me. For him. Lord, you are so good. Help me to trust more. To be reminded of how good You are everyday. Even in this world of brokenness and hurt. You are still good. And we can put our hope in you. Lord, thank you for loving me and pursuing me even when I begged you to just leave me alone. You are so good, Lord. Lord, thank you for being such a good father to me. Help me to grow into Your ways, Lord. Give me a new heart.Help me to trust you, Lord. Without ceasing. But mostly, Lord, thank you. Just thank you. In Your Name I pray. Amen.

Catch Me

And I think my biggest fear is that one day I’ll wake up and realize it was never real. 

That it was too good to be true.

That I went and did it again. 

Falling for the wrong guy. 

That I will wake up and I won’t have my best friend anymore. 

That it was all in my head. 

That I should have known better. 

Because how can this be? 

How could I have finally found you? 

How can it be as good as it is?

Because I don’t think I could bear to know that this wasn’t real. 

That I was just imagining things.

Because I’m afraid that I will never feel this way again. 

Because I jumped. Without hesitation. Without even thinking. 

I just jumped. 

And maybe it’s not that my biggest fear is falling too hard. 

It’s that you won’t be there to catch me. 

And if I’ve learned anything, it’s that I need you to catch me.

Amen

Lord, thank you. 

Thank you for this man. This amazing and perfect man. This man I never realized existed. 

This man who changed everything. 

Lord, thank you. 

Thank you for sending me a man who loves You more than he loves himself. A man who knows You. A man who fears You. A man who isn’t afraid to talk about You.

Lord, thank you. 

Lord, bless this man. Bless this relationship. And bless this family. 

Lord, help us to live a life that brings honor and glory to Your name. 

Lord, fill us with your Holy Spirit so that we may walk in Your ways.

Lord, thank you for guiding us when we don’t know the way. For forgiving us when we fall short. And for loving us in a way that allows us to love each other. 

I pray that no matter where we find ourselves down the road, that our eyes will always be fixed on you, Lord. 

Hand in hand, I pray we will always seek you, together. 

I pray these things in Your name. For Your honor and glory. 

Amen. 

Falling Short

I wish I could figure out the words. 

The words to use to talk about this. 

To talk about us.

See? Words are my life. They are the one thing I know. The one place I feel the most comfortable. (Well, besides you.)

And yet, with you, I fall short. Every time, I fall short. 

Because, you see, it all changed with you.

The whole story. 

It changed. 

I had no idea that it could be like this. No one ever told me it could be like this. 

Perhaps, they found themselves falling short too. 

But you and me. This. Whatever this is. This is good. This is exactly how it’s supposed to be. 

And yeah, I’ve thought I’ve been here before. 

I have prayed about getting to this place.

I have looked for you everywhere. 

But it turns out, I was looking for all the wrong things. 

Because this? I would have had no idea to even look for this. 

Because I never knew this existed. 

But, here you are. 

And I wish I could figure out the words to talk about this. 

But, maybe we can just fall short together. 

Here

I made it.

Finally, I made it. 

I can hardly catch my breath. 

I never actually expected to make it here. 

There was something always getting in my way. Mostly that was me, but I made it.

I must have passed by this place a thousand times.

Mostly in my head, passing the time until I could actually be here.

But I never thought I’d make it. 

There’s a sense of familiarity here. 

I like that.

Like this was how it was supposed to be. 

Like this is where I should have been.

But looking back, it was all of those wrong turns, those detours, the roadwork, it all helped me get here. 

Right here with you. 

Exactly where I should have been. 

And I’m just glad I made it. 

Because it was a long ride. And I spent a lot of time on the road. 

A lot of long nights; restless mornings. 

But the truth is, I would have kept driving if I knew you’d be here.

I am just so happy to finally be here. 

Date Night

I took myself on a date last night. 

Just me.

And you want to know something? 

It was perfect. 

Perfect because I didn’t have to worry about what I was going to wear. 

Perfect because I could just be without worrying about trying to make an impression.

Perfect because I didn’t have to worry about anything.

Not even finding a babysitter. 

I bought myself flowers. 

And the biggest steak I could find. 

I lit a candle. You know, to set the mood.

I poured myself a glass of wine. 

It was quiet. 

And amazing. 

I got to eat as much as I wanted. And have an extra glass of wine without anyone judging me.

I got to be comfortable. Not just because I was wearing my pajamas, but because I got to be me. 

For dessert I had cheesecake. 

And realized that I should probably order dessert more when I’m on dates. 

I got to listen to music. 

Read a little of my new book. 

And not wonder if the guy across from me was going to call me the next day. 

Because I don’t know about you, but dating sucks. 

I remember shortly after Justin left that I finally felt ready to start dating. I was naive enough to think that dating would be this amazingly fun thing that I got to do now. The silver lining of a very dark cloud. 

I looked forward to those first dates. The ones where your stomach found itself in knots because this could be it. This could be your last first date ever. 

Turns out, not only am I completely naive, but I am also a hopeless romantic. 

And while I won’t say all of my dates have been a bust, I will say it’s exhausting. And it can drive a girl crazy. 

But most of all, it can make you lose sight of what’s important. 

So I took myself on a date. 

My kids looked at me like I was crazy. 

‘But who’s going to have dinner with you?’ ‘Wait, so you’re just going to be alone?’ ‘Mom, that’s sad.’ 

Maybe it is. Maybe this is just me being naive again. 

Do I wish there had been someone else to cook for? Absolutely.

Do I wish there had been two wine glasses to put in the dishwasher at the end of the night? Of course. 

But there is something so empowering learning to accept that there might only be dinner for one. And there might only be one wine glass. 

And that’s okay. 

I’d be lying if I said I hope that’s what happens. I don’t. I want someone looking at me from across the table. I want the romance. 

I want the happy ending.

I also wouldn’t mind help with the dishes. ;) 

But what I’ve learned over these last few months is that I don’t just want anyone there. 

I’m letting Him choose. 

And so for right now the other seats are empty. 

And that’s okay. 

Because I took myself on a date last night. 

And between us? I think I might ask for a second. 

Just the Two of Us

So here we are. Just the two of us, again. 

You know, you’re setting a pretty impossible bar. 

Because even the good ones fall short. 

You did that. 

You made me realize just how much I deserve. How much I shouldn’t settle. And just how much I have settled in the past. 

I wish I could tell you that I’m getting more comfortable with the lonliness, but I’m not.

I wish I could tell you that I’m not sitting here wondering what the heck is wrong with me, but I can’t. 

But mostly I just wish that you could be here so I could feel a little less lonely. 

So help me. 

Help me to find contentment in this season. 

Because it’s hard not to compare. Especially when it’s so quiet here. 

It’s hard not to want what ‘they’ have. 

Because the enemy is desperate to convince me that I don’t belong. 

So that’s why I need your help. 

Help me to appreciate this season. 

Help me to feel your presence. 

Help me to remember that I am not alone, not really. 

Help me to shift my focus to all the amazing things I have in my life. 

Help me to have a heart of gratitude. 

Help me to love this life just as you intended. 

Because it’s not about me. Nope. It’s about you. 

You should probably remind me of that too. A lot. 

Give me the knowledge of your will and the strength to carry that out. 

I’m putting a lot of emphasis on that last part. 

Because that’s where you really come in. 

(Because I don’t know if you know this, but I kind of like doing things my way.)

So, here goes nothing, right? 

Because here we are. Just the two of us, again. 

“God Hid Her”

Because I shared this blog with another friend of mine. It didn’t apply to me because at the time I was convinced that I had found the man of my dreams. 

He was everything that I could have ever wanted and I believed that I was finally done looking. 

My kids loved him. I loved him. And he fit in with our family. 

Finally, this season of loneliness was over. 

Except that it wasn’t. 

Long story short, but ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t typically work out when you find out he has another girlfriend. 

So I’ve moved on. 

Learning to be comfortable with just myself. 

Learning to not take a single moment for granted.

But y’all, I am lonely.

Oh, I’ve heard it all before. I’ve even offered the same advice to my friends. 

But, I’d be lying if I pretended like it was easy. Like this was easy. Because it isn’t. Not even close. 

Because I’m lonely. 

“She was continuously rejected.

She couldn’t understand why.

No one ever stuck around.

Always pointing the finger at herself.

But all along God was hiding her.

From harm seen & unseen.

For He knew her worth when she didn’t. 

Too precious was she for any ol’ body.

Especially a somebody who’d dim her light.

Especially a somebody who’d take her away from her purpose.

So He made them dodge her because He was saving her for His very best. 

The realest love she’d ever lay eyes on, sweet him. 

& it’d be worth being hidden. 

He’s hiding you.”

And when I read that I think ‘how sweet’, but then I also think ‘okay, enough.’ 
‘Do you hear me?! Enough!’

Because this season is confusing. And it’s hard. And while I don’t want to sit here and whine, I’m over it. 

Because I just want someone.

I want someone to share things with. 

To lay on the couch with.

To do nothing with.

I want someone who I know will be excited to hear my good news.

Someone who will understand the bad news. 

Someone who won’t expect me to talk at all, but will just be still with me. 

And maybe there are some of you reading this thinking ‘give it time, it will happen.’ And trust me, I’ve said the exact same thing, and maybe my perception of time and His is different (note the sarcasm), but I’ve been lonely for a long time (insert dramatic exasperated sigh and eye roll). 

In fact, I would say that I was lonely my entire marriage. But I had become content. Because at least I had someone. And even if I couldn’t have the conversations I so desperately wanted to have, I could argue. I could have some sort of interaction.

Something.

And then maybe there are some of you who would offer the same advice I have.

That I will always be lonely until He is enough for me. Even if I had someone.

And I get it. I do. But I struggle. 

Man, do I struggle.

I struggle a lot with this idea.

Because I need something. Someone. I need substance. 

I need, Jesus with skin on. 

Because I’m tired of quiet time. I’m tired of reflecting. I’m tired of talking to myself. 

Because I never wanted to be here. 

Because I’m tired of going to the grocery store and seeing all the happy couples. 

Because then I remember that ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and suddenly I can see the enemy’s tactics. 

And I realize that as long as I am busy focusing on the things I don’t have, I will never focus on the things I do have. 

And I know that I have a lot. I know that my life is good. It might not look like the way I think it should, but I know it’s good because He is good. 

Because as long as the enemy can remind me of what I don’t have he can change my perspective of who He is. 

Because he can convince me to settle. To come out of hiding. To just want anything. To deal with anything. Even if it isn’t good. Even if it isn’t really what I want. 

Because deep down I know what I deserve. And after my marriage ended I decided that I wasn’t going to settle ever again. 

That this time, I would do it His way.

So maybe it is a good thing He’s hiding me. 

Threat

I see how you look at me. Don’t think I don’t notice,  because I do. 

I’m a threat to you. I get it.

Because when you look at me, you see yourself.

Because you can’t quite figure it out. What did I do wrong?

Because from the outside we had it all. Just like you.

Because we appeared to be happy. ‘Was she faking the whole time?’

Because if it were that bad she would have left, right? 

Because I make you uncomfortable. 

Because it just doesn’t make sense. 

Because it just looks too familiar. 

So you keep me at a distance. 

Because you want to believe that it can’t be you. It could never be you.

Because you’re happy. And because you love eachother. And because you would never get a divorce. 

Because that only happens to people like me. 

Because it just doesn’t happen to people like you. 

At least, that’s what you tell yourself. 

And so I see how you look at me. 

Because I used to have the same look on my face too. 

Restoration

I’ve asked myself the same question for years, now. 

Because I remember how it felt every time I prayed for it. Because I believed that He could do it. And for a long time, I believed that He would. 

So imagine my surprise when I came home from a 3+ week vacation to celebrate our 5 year anniversary and instead my husband decided to walk out. 

It would be the last time he walked out. 

But even in those moments of not knowing, I knew. I knew that He would fix it. That He would make it better. That we would finally have the marriage that I had dreamed about and worked so hard for. 

I was constantly praying during those next few days. I think I had everyone praying for me. For us. 

So then, why didn’t He restore my marriage? 

He could have. 

He was capable. 

He could hear the desperation in my voice.

I had been faithful, both to Him and to my marriage. 

He knew I didn’t believe in divorce. 

He knew I couldn’t imagine my life without my husband in it. 

He knew the shame I felt as I watched my marriage fall apart and I knew that there was nothing left I could do, and yet, there had been so much that I did to get us there. 

He knew my pain. My loneliness. My frustration. He knew it all. 

He knew what it did to me to feel that rejection. To know that my husband had already found someone else. Someone that he wanted more than me. He knew how that crushed me. How I let it define me. He knew. 

And yet, He chose not to restore my marriage. 

Oh I prayed to give Him the chance to let me give Him glory and honor for the restoration. I told Him repeatedly that I would not take any credit, but instead give it all to Him. 

This was His chance to shine. This was a chance for my friends and my family and for those who didn’t believe in Him to see just exactly what He could do. 

But He never took me up on my offer. Despite my compelling argument.

Instead, He chose not to restore my marriage. 

Instead, He chose to show Himself through all the things I never imagined I would be doing. 

Instead, He chose to show Himself through starting over. He chose to show Himself in blessing me for my faithfulness. Instead, He chose to show Himself in answering my prayer to get me back home. He chose to show Himself through the strength that only He could provide when it came to raising these two kids all by myself. Instead, He chose to show Himself by blessing my business and allowing me to do all the things I loved without having to sacrifice any of it. He chose to show Himself in the way that I had finally fallen in love with who I was, not because of who I am, but because of who He is. 

Instead, He chose to show Himself in my story of love and compassion and forgiveness and grace. 

And with that, He brought Himself the honor and glory that I had so desperately pleaded for, on His behalf. 

Because by not restoring my marriage, He restored me. 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.” Isaiah 55:8