Impossible

Because this morning I woke up with a thousand things on my mind.

He wasn’t one of them.

Completely stressed out. Full of worry. With a to-do list a mile long.

And yet, He insisted I come spend some time with Him.

‘The rest of the world can wait,’ He said.

I fought His calling to come and be still.

I didn’t have time to sit and be still. I had things to do. He knew that.

It was true, I had been meaning to spend some time with Him this week, but I just couldn’t find the time.

“I’ll do it tomorrow,” had become my life mantra.

But not today.

I had run out of tomorrows and my Father wanted to talk.

And just like a disciplined child who had just been reprimanded, I lowered my head and found a seat at the table.

Unsure of what to read I just turned to Luke.

I could feel the tension building up. I had so many other things I should have been doing. Rest was not on my list of things to do.

I began to read quickly. Well, more like skimming. I would just get it over with.

Time with God- check!

Except that it didn’t quite go that way.

Even though I wanted to skim, suddenly I was soaking in every word.

Breathing in the word of God like I was just catching my breath.

I could still hear the thoughts in my head.

All the things I needed to figure out.

How I was going to pay for this or that.

How I was going to hit some pretty big numbers for work over the next couple of days.

And the truth was I had zero answers.

It all looked pretty impossible and I was pretty worried.

And then there it was.

For nothing will be impossible with God. Luke 1:37

I got goosebumps.

I stopped.

Before I could even voice my doubt He interrupted me.

‘Nothing,’ He said.

And there was more.

Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill what He has spoken to her. Luke 1: 45

(I see what You did there.)

Now you might be thinking ‘woah, that’s pretty weird’ but that’s not even the weirdest part. Remember all those things I was stressing about. The money. The bills. The pressure from work. They are still there. I’m looking at them staring at me from across the table, but they don’t seem nearly as significant as they did before.

See what I think I realized is that there really is only one solution to our problems and that’s finding the strength to trust our Holy and loving God enough that we don’t worry about anything else.

Because He tells us that nothing is impossible and that those of us who believe Him are blessed.

Friends, the answers are there. He is there. But for some reason He is the last place I look.

I am grateful that He is gracious enough to blatantly put the answer right in front of me.

Grateful that He knows what I need even before I do.

Truth is though, I don’t know what He’ll do. And I don’t know if His solution looks like mine. But what I do know is that nothing is impossible and I have every reason to believe Him.

Here I Am

Because I can still remember all the prayers I thought you forgot.

The nights I spent crying.

Asking you what I did to deserve any of this.

Because I was miserable. I was lonely. And because I felt forgotten.

But then here I am.

And I am only here because of You.

Because you pursued me.

And you brought me even closer to you.

This entire time. There you were. Right beside me.

Loving.

Pursuing.

Even when I messed up.

When I gave up trusting you.

When I was convinced my way was better.

When I thought you had better things to do.

When I was too ashamed to talk to you.

There you were.

Loving.

Pursuing.

Because you knew better.

You knew this place.

You knew him.

And you knew that he was exactly what I needed.

Because you heard every prayer.

Because you caught every tear.

And because you knew exactly what I deserved- even better than I did.

Because you always keep your promises.

Because you’re still not done.

And because you’re still at it.

Loving.

Pursuing.

Lord, thank you. Thank you for all of this. For this life you have created for me. For him. Lord, you are so good. Help me to trust more. To be reminded of how good You are everyday. Even in this world of brokenness and hurt. You are still good. And we can put our hope in you. Lord, thank you for loving me and pursuing me even when I begged you to just leave me alone. You are so good, Lord. Lord, thank you for being such a good father to me. Help me to grow into Your ways, Lord. Give me a new heart.Help me to trust you, Lord. Without ceasing. But mostly, Lord, thank you. Just thank you. In Your Name I pray. Amen.

Catch Me

And I think my biggest fear is that one day I’ll wake up and realize it was never real. 

That it was too good to be true.

That I went and did it again. 

Falling for the wrong guy. 

That I will wake up and I won’t have my best friend anymore. 

That it was all in my head. 

That I should have known better. 

Because how can this be? 

How could I have finally found you? 

How can it be as good as it is?

Because I don’t think I could bear to know that this wasn’t real. 

That I was just imagining things.

Because I’m afraid that I will never feel this way again. 

Because I jumped. Without hesitation. Without even thinking. 

I just jumped. 

And maybe it’s not that my biggest fear is falling too hard. 

It’s that you won’t be there to catch me. 

And if I’ve learned anything, it’s that I need you to catch me.

Amen

Lord, thank you. 

Thank you for this man. This amazing and perfect man. This man I never realized existed. 

This man who changed everything. 

Lord, thank you. 

Thank you for sending me a man who loves You more than he loves himself. A man who knows You. A man who fears You. A man who isn’t afraid to talk about You.

Lord, thank you. 

Lord, bless this man. Bless this relationship. And bless this family. 

Lord, help us to live a life that brings honor and glory to Your name. 

Lord, fill us with your Holy Spirit so that we may walk in Your ways.

Lord, thank you for guiding us when we don’t know the way. For forgiving us when we fall short. And for loving us in a way that allows us to love each other. 

I pray that no matter where we find ourselves down the road, that our eyes will always be fixed on you, Lord. 

Hand in hand, I pray we will always seek you, together. 

I pray these things in Your name. For Your honor and glory. 

Amen. 

Falling Short

I wish I could figure out the words. 

The words to use to talk about this. 

To talk about us.

See? Words are my life. They are the one thing I know. The one place I feel the most comfortable. (Well, besides you.)

And yet, with you, I fall short. Every time, I fall short. 

Because, you see, it all changed with you.

The whole story. 

It changed. 

I had no idea that it could be like this. No one ever told me it could be like this. 

Perhaps, they found themselves falling short too. 

But you and me. This. Whatever this is. This is good. This is exactly how it’s supposed to be. 

And yeah, I’ve thought I’ve been here before. 

I have prayed about getting to this place.

I have looked for you everywhere. 

But it turns out, I was looking for all the wrong things. 

Because this? I would have had no idea to even look for this. 

Because I never knew this existed. 

But, here you are. 

And I wish I could figure out the words to talk about this. 

But, maybe we can just fall short together. 

And I’m (still) Celebrating

Can you believe it’s been two years? 

Two whole years.

On one hand it seems like nothing. Just a blink. On the other, so much has changed. 

Today, I woke up grateful. 

Grateful that two years ago you decided to leave me. 

I knew when I met you that you would change my life, but I had no idea what that would look like. 

But you did. 

You changed everything. 

And I am so grateful. 

It’s funny, but I look forward to this day. I take it all in. 

And then you know what I do next? 

I celebrate. 

I celebrate all of it. 

The high’s. The low’s. The times when I wasn’t sure how I was going to get back up. And the times I never thought I’d come back down. 

You have given me an opportunity to grow and to find compassion in places I thought impossible. 

Without even knowing it, you have taught me grace. 

I have grown closer to Him. Setting an example to our kids that it is easier to love than to hate. 

I won’t lie and say it’s been easy. It hasn’t. But it’s been worth it. 

So, today I’m gonna celebrate. 

Still. 

With You

I will not make this tragedy about me. 

I will not make it about my beliefs. 

I will not make it my platform to take my stance. 

Because I think that’s the problem. 

The sense of self. 

This pride and sense of entitlement to be right. 

To be heard. 

To be sure that everyone knows how we feel. 

So instead, I’m going to think about you. 

I’m going to let my heart break with you. 

I’m going to get angry with you and not at you. 

Because I will not make this tragedy about me. 

But I will use it as an opportunity to stand with you. 

Familiar 

No one can serve two masters, since either he will hate one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. Matthew 6:24

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve read that verse. 

Let’s just say that I read it enough where I thought I understood it enough to just glance at it when it would come up. 

Except that’s just one of the amazing things about God’s word. It’s never the same each time we read it. 

We can read the same verse over and over and somehow, we still have this amazing gift to take something different from it each time. 

This is why His word never fails. 

So, yeah, okay, can’t serve God and money, got it. 

Except that I didn’t. I don’t. 

I have this amazing ability to turn anything into a little God. 

Anything. 

From my family to my job to my prayers. 

I can even turn my coffee into a little God every morning if I’m not careful. 

So as I read this verse again, I replaced ‘money’ with all those other things, but something still wasn’t right. 

And then it hit me.

You cannot serve both God and yourself.

It hit me straight in the gut and took my breath away.

It was never my intention to compete with God. But that’s exactly what I had been doing. 

It was never any of those other things. 

It was me. 

It was thinking I knew better than He did. 

It was thinking I was more resourceful than He was. 

It was thinking that I was exactly where I was in life because of what I did to get there. 

Gross, right? 

Because I don’t know about you, but every time I have tried to do something on my own either one of two things happen: 1. I fall on my face. 2. I make a bigger mess than necessary. 

Oh, and there is one more thing: I always come back to Him. 

Have I truly been a disciple of Christ? I can’t help but wonder. 

Oh man, do I love Him. I love Him so much it hurts. 

But do I love myself more? 

What a conviction it is to ask yourself that very question. 

I was hoping to finish this blog and shout from my bed that I loved Him the most. 

But as I sit here, comforted by this hot cup of coffee, I’m not sure I can say that with an honest heart. 

So instead, I’m quietly asking the Holy Spirit to come into this broken heart and to make some changes. 

Reluctantly, I am asking the Holy Spirit to come into my broken heart.

Because this is terrifying. 

Dying to one’s self? 

Choosing to trust in something you can’t even see? 

Laying down all the things that bring me satisfaction and joy? 

I wish I could say it was easier, but it’s not. And I can feel myself clinging on to those fleeting things. 

Because for so long, even when I wasn’t acknowledging it, for so long it was up to me. At least, that’s how I looked at it. 

That’s what we’re conditioned to do, right?

We grow up with the idea that if we want something we have to work for it. 

That our best choices have gotten us to where we are. 

And that if we aren’t happy with something we have the power to change it. 

But what if that goes against everything that He is?

What if by believing those things we are giving ourselves too much credit and taking away from what He has done for us? 

I hope you weren’t expecting an answer. 

Because I’m drawing a blank. 

And maybe this is His lesson. The thing that’s happening right now. The not knowing. 

Maybe this is Him proving a point. Making His case. 

Maybe, He brings us into the familiar just to show us how unfamiliar it actually is. 

And how much, despite what we may think, we actually need Him.

 

Here

I made it.

Finally, I made it. 

I can hardly catch my breath. 

I never actually expected to make it here. 

There was something always getting in my way. Mostly that was me, but I made it.

I must have passed by this place a thousand times.

Mostly in my head, passing the time until I could actually be here.

But I never thought I’d make it. 

There’s a sense of familiarity here. 

I like that.

Like this was how it was supposed to be. 

Like this is where I should have been.

But looking back, it was all of those wrong turns, those detours, the roadwork, it all helped me get here. 

Right here with you. 

Exactly where I should have been. 

And I’m just glad I made it. 

Because it was a long ride. And I spent a lot of time on the road. 

A lot of long nights; restless mornings. 

But the truth is, I would have kept driving if I knew you’d be here.

I am just so happy to finally be here. 

You Can Be

So recently I’ve been living or trying to live (verdict is still out on that) in a season of contentment. 

God has really put it on my heart that despite my best efforts this is where I am supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing. 

I can stop trying to run. 

I can finally stop and catch my breath. 

As a single mother I am constantly thinking about money. Maybe that’s an unfair assessment? Maybe we’re all thinking about money.

I know I am. 

Always.

Whether I have enough. If I will have enough. How I wish I had more. What I would do with more if I had it. 

You get the picture.

Yesterday I found myself praying. 

My bank account had only $20 in it and payday was a long ways away. 

So I prayed. 

I prayed that I would get to a place financially where I didn’t have to worry. 

I even threw out a specific amount, you know, just in case He wasn’t sure. ;)

But before I could even say ‘amen’ I knew I was wrong. 

I was completely wrong in that prayer. 

He could answer it. I have no doubt that He could provide the exact dollar amount per my request. But it wasn’t really about the money. 

‘You can be…’ He answered.

I retraced my words wondering what He was talking about.

‘You can be…’ He repeated.

And He was right. 

I could be. 

I didn’t have to worry. 

Even with only $20 in my bank account and payday a long ways away. I didn’t have to worry. 

Because I can be in that place despite the size of my paycheck. 

Because I can be in that place by choosing to trust Him.

Because at the end of the day it comes down to me and where I put my faith. 

The truth is, instead of praying for more money, I need to change my prayer. 

What I need besides a bigger paycheck is a complete change in heart. 

A change in the way I look at money.

A change in the way I handle my money. 

Because, let’s be honest, I’ll never have ‘enough’. 

No one can serve two masters, since either he will hate one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. Matthew 6:24

But the truth is that I already do. 

I already have more than enough.

I have so much because of what Jesus chose to do for me on the cross when He gave up His perfect life for my messy, broken, imperfect life. 

And so do you. 

More than any dollar amount we could ever want. 

Lord, thank you. Thank you for sending your only son to take my place on that cross. Thank you for always giving me enough. Even when I don’t deserve it. Lord, change my heart. Help me to be content despite my circumstances. Despite the size of my paycheck or the size of my bank account. Remind me always that you are enough. You are all I need. And help to make you all I want. I pray these things in your name. For your honor and glory. Amen.