I’ve started this blog about 15 times already, but I end up reading what I’m writing and deleting it just as fast because I just don’t know what to say.
Well, actually, that’s not entirely true. I know what to say, but I’m having a hard time saying it.
It wasn’t too long ago that I listened to a sermon about Pride.
I’ve never really thought of myself as a prideful person, but turns out, I am.
My pride was hurt when my ex husband walked out on me. It was hurt when I found out that he was cheating.
It killed me to have to start over.
To live on my parents’ couch for 4 months while I tried to piece my life back together.
I work in a business where pride runs the show. Even this blog has made its own contribution.
The truth is, I pride myself on doing it all on my own. Being a single mom, who not only has a successful business, but who homeschools, who works out 6 days a week. Who really does her best not to depend on anyone.
I hate asking for help.
But more than that, I hate admitting that I need help.
And this is the lesson He’s been trying to teach me.
This is the lesson I’ve been avoiding. Pretending not to hear Him. Pretending to have a plan B, C, D…
Praying for discernment and wisdom, but really hoping that I’d figure it out all on my own. Or that He would just jump on board with my will, not His.
So, here I am. I’m sure you’ve seen my many selfies and beach photos. Living it up in Florida over the last few weeks while my kids spend some time with their dad.
I’ve bragged about my life. Bragged about being able to take vacation after vacation. And on one hand, I’ve been completely honest. On the other, I’ve manipulated what you see.
The truth is I have been blessed. Very blessed. Everything I have is a gift from Him. Everything. And while I work hard, none of this is my doing. It’s Him.
I think I forgot that for a little bit. Truly believing that I got myself to where I am.
I didn’t. He did.
The truth is I’ve spent about $30 on this vacation. I have been blessed to be able to stay with friends and family during this time away.
And thank goodness, because financially, I’m struggling.
Money has always been a tough topic to talk about. With anyone. It makes me uncomfortable. And as much as I hate having a budget, I have to have one.
I’ve done well on my own. I still can’t believe that I get paid to do what I do for a living.
And I never thought that I could do this on my own, but I am (well, with His help, of course.)
But what I’ve learned, or rather, what He’s trying to teach me, is that it isn’t all about what I can do.
And honestly, I can’t do it alone.
It’s a lesson I’ve seen this entire trip. If you’re familiar with 12 step programs, it’s steps 1-3.
Given my own history with recovery, I can’t help but find it ironic that these are the steps I struggle with.
To sum it up:
- Admitted we were powerless.
- Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Turned our life and our will over to the care of God as we understood him.
Oh, how I go about each day thinking that I’m in control. That I’ve got it.
So this trip has been all about acknowledging these steps.
Let’s have another eyeroll.
I can’t get into the many details of what has happened since I left my house in April, but it’s Him.
And the final lesson is that I can’t do it. Not without Him.
My sales are down. My ex owes me money. I have bills that are due and, to be honest, I have no idea how I’m going to pay for them.
I was sharing these things with my friend.
“It’s like He has put up a wall on everything. Literally, He has blocked my way. The only way left to go is His way.”
I’m reminding myself of all the life lessons I’ve had up until this point because going His way is intimidating. It’s humbling. And even though I know it’s not, it seems so unsure.
“The thing is, there is nothing scarier than when I can’t hear Him anymore. When He goes quiet. When I’m screaming out to Him and yet, I hear nothing…and then there are times like this, when I know His voice exactly. When I can’t pretend not to hear Him. When He’s so loud that there’s no escaping Him.”
That’s where I’m at.
I’ve tried plans B, C, and D, but it’s evident that no matter what my plan is, it won’t work.
Therefore, this is what I will do:
I will block her way with thorns;
I will enclose her with a wall,
So that she cannot find her paths.
Gofundme. Immediately, I cringed.
As I shared what was going on with another friend, she approached me about setting up a
I didn’t want people to know that I was having such a hard time.
I was embarrassed. I AM embarrassed.
She felt that God had put it on her heart to do this for me.
I didn’t want to admit it, but I knew she was probably right.
It went hand in hand with what He had been trying to do in my life.
So, I let her. But I had a few conditions. I wasn’t going to share it with anyone I knew. She was not allowed to tag me either.
We should probably do another eye roll for good measure.
We talked again after I got some more bad news.
“I think you should share it,” she said.
I hesitated. Then quickly came up with a few excuses why I couldn’t do that. I told her I would pray about it, but what I meant is that I would briefly mention it during my prayers and move onto the next subject without waiting for a response.
I guess it is true that He knows us better than we know ourselves because I knew the answer to the prayer I hadn’t even prayed.
Immediately, I knew.
“Lauren,” she said, “this is how He uses you. You go through your struggles and you share it with people and in that you bring people closer to Him. People get to see who He is through you. How do you know that He doesn’t want you to share this so someone else can be blessed?”
I held back the tears.
I knew she was right.
This is what We did.
I struggled. He blessed.
So was my ego really too big to do what we had always done?
Over the course of this relationship did I really begin to believe that He had nothing to do with getting me to where I was?
So here I am.
Finally finishing up the blog that I couldn’t write just a few days ago.
Humbling myself to you, but mostly to Him.
Admitting that I am powerless. That my life had become unmanageable. And that the only way to change that would be with Him. Turning my life and my will over to Him. No matter if I think I have a better way. Or if my path is a little less intimidating.
I’m not doing this because of the money. Or to make myself feel better after I receive encouragement for being so open and honest.
Nope, I’m doing this because it isn’t really about me.
Never has been.
But, because Your will, not mine.