Here I Am

Because I can still remember all the prayers I thought you forgot.

The nights I spent crying.

Asking you what I did to deserve any of this.

Because I was miserable. I was lonely. And because I felt forgotten.

But then here I am.

And I am only here because of You.

Because you pursued me.

And you brought me even closer to you.

This entire time. There you were. Right beside me.

Loving.

Pursuing.

Even when I messed up.

When I gave up trusting you.

When I was convinced my way was better.

When I thought you had better things to do.

When I was too ashamed to talk to you.

There you were.

Loving.

Pursuing.

Because you knew better.

You knew this place.

You knew him.

And you knew that he was exactly what I needed.

Because you heard every prayer.

Because you caught every tear.

And because you knew exactly what I deserved- even better than I did.

Because you always keep your promises.

Because you’re still not done.

And because you’re still at it.

Loving.

Pursuing.

Lord, thank you. Thank you for all of this. For this life you have created for me. For him. Lord, you are so good. Help me to trust more. To be reminded of how good You are everyday. Even in this world of brokenness and hurt. You are still good. And we can put our hope in you. Lord, thank you for loving me and pursuing me even when I begged you to just leave me alone. You are so good, Lord. Lord, thank you for being such a good father to me. Help me to grow into Your ways, Lord. Give me a new heart.Help me to trust you, Lord. Without ceasing. But mostly, Lord, thank you. Just thank you. In Your Name I pray. Amen.

Catch Me

And I think my biggest fear is that one day I’ll wake up and realize it was never real. 

That it was too good to be true.

That I went and did it again. 

Falling for the wrong guy. 

That I will wake up and I won’t have my best friend anymore. 

That it was all in my head. 

That I should have known better. 

Because how can this be? 

How could I have finally found you? 

How can it be as good as it is?

Because I don’t think I could bear to know that this wasn’t real. 

That I was just imagining things.

Because I’m afraid that I will never feel this way again. 

Because I jumped. Without hesitation. Without even thinking. 

I just jumped. 

And maybe it’s not that my biggest fear is falling too hard. 

It’s that you won’t be there to catch me. 

And if I’ve learned anything, it’s that I need you to catch me.

Amen

Lord, thank you. 

Thank you for this man. This amazing and perfect man. This man I never realized existed. 

This man who changed everything. 

Lord, thank you. 

Thank you for sending me a man who loves You more than he loves himself. A man who knows You. A man who fears You. A man who isn’t afraid to talk about You.

Lord, thank you. 

Lord, bless this man. Bless this relationship. And bless this family. 

Lord, help us to live a life that brings honor and glory to Your name. 

Lord, fill us with your Holy Spirit so that we may walk in Your ways.

Lord, thank you for guiding us when we don’t know the way. For forgiving us when we fall short. And for loving us in a way that allows us to love each other. 

I pray that no matter where we find ourselves down the road, that our eyes will always be fixed on you, Lord. 

Hand in hand, I pray we will always seek you, together. 

I pray these things in Your name. For Your honor and glory. 

Amen. 

Falling Short

I wish I could figure out the words. 

The words to use to talk about this. 

To talk about us.

See? Words are my life. They are the one thing I know. The one place I feel the most comfortable. (Well, besides you.)

And yet, with you, I fall short. Every time, I fall short. 

Because, you see, it all changed with you.

The whole story. 

It changed. 

I had no idea that it could be like this. No one ever told me it could be like this. 

Perhaps, they found themselves falling short too. 

But you and me. This. Whatever this is. This is good. This is exactly how it’s supposed to be. 

And yeah, I’ve thought I’ve been here before. 

I have prayed about getting to this place.

I have looked for you everywhere. 

But it turns out, I was looking for all the wrong things. 

Because this? I would have had no idea to even look for this. 

Because I never knew this existed. 

But, here you are. 

And I wish I could figure out the words to talk about this. 

But, maybe we can just fall short together. 

Here

I made it.

Finally, I made it. 

I can hardly catch my breath. 

I never actually expected to make it here. 

There was something always getting in my way. Mostly that was me, but I made it.

I must have passed by this place a thousand times.

Mostly in my head, passing the time until I could actually be here.

But I never thought I’d make it. 

There’s a sense of familiarity here. 

I like that.

Like this was how it was supposed to be. 

Like this is where I should have been.

But looking back, it was all of those wrong turns, those detours, the roadwork, it all helped me get here. 

Right here with you. 

Exactly where I should have been. 

And I’m just glad I made it. 

Because it was a long ride. And I spent a lot of time on the road. 

A lot of long nights; restless mornings. 

But the truth is, I would have kept driving if I knew you’d be here.

I am just so happy to finally be here. 

Date Night

I took myself on a date last night. 

Just me.

And you want to know something? 

It was perfect. 

Perfect because I didn’t have to worry about what I was going to wear. 

Perfect because I could just be without worrying about trying to make an impression.

Perfect because I didn’t have to worry about anything.

Not even finding a babysitter. 

I bought myself flowers. 

And the biggest steak I could find. 

I lit a candle. You know, to set the mood.

I poured myself a glass of wine. 

It was quiet. 

And amazing. 

I got to eat as much as I wanted. And have an extra glass of wine without anyone judging me.

I got to be comfortable. Not just because I was wearing my pajamas, but because I got to be me. 

For dessert I had cheesecake. 

And realized that I should probably order dessert more when I’m on dates. 

I got to listen to music. 

Read a little of my new book. 

And not wonder if the guy across from me was going to call me the next day. 

Because I don’t know about you, but dating sucks. 

I remember shortly after Justin left that I finally felt ready to start dating. I was naive enough to think that dating would be this amazingly fun thing that I got to do now. The silver lining of a very dark cloud. 

I looked forward to those first dates. The ones where your stomach found itself in knots because this could be it. This could be your last first date ever. 

Turns out, not only am I completely naive, but I am also a hopeless romantic. 

And while I won’t say all of my dates have been a bust, I will say it’s exhausting. And it can drive a girl crazy. 

But most of all, it can make you lose sight of what’s important. 

So I took myself on a date. 

My kids looked at me like I was crazy. 

‘But who’s going to have dinner with you?’ ‘Wait, so you’re just going to be alone?’ ‘Mom, that’s sad.’ 

Maybe it is. Maybe this is just me being naive again. 

Do I wish there had been someone else to cook for? Absolutely.

Do I wish there had been two wine glasses to put in the dishwasher at the end of the night? Of course. 

But there is something so empowering learning to accept that there might only be dinner for one. And there might only be one wine glass. 

And that’s okay. 

I’d be lying if I said I hope that’s what happens. I don’t. I want someone looking at me from across the table. I want the romance. 

I want the happy ending.

I also wouldn’t mind help with the dishes. ;) 

But what I’ve learned over these last few months is that I don’t just want anyone there. 

I’m letting Him choose. 

And so for right now the other seats are empty. 

And that’s okay. 

Because I took myself on a date last night. 

And between us? I think I might ask for a second. 

Just the Two of Us

So here we are. Just the two of us, again. 

You know, you’re setting a pretty impossible bar. 

Because even the good ones fall short. 

You did that. 

You made me realize just how much I deserve. How much I shouldn’t settle. And just how much I have settled in the past. 

I wish I could tell you that I’m getting more comfortable with the lonliness, but I’m not.

I wish I could tell you that I’m not sitting here wondering what the heck is wrong with me, but I can’t. 

But mostly I just wish that you could be here so I could feel a little less lonely. 

So help me. 

Help me to find contentment in this season. 

Because it’s hard not to compare. Especially when it’s so quiet here. 

It’s hard not to want what ‘they’ have. 

Because the enemy is desperate to convince me that I don’t belong. 

So that’s why I need your help. 

Help me to appreciate this season. 

Help me to feel your presence. 

Help me to remember that I am not alone, not really. 

Help me to shift my focus to all the amazing things I have in my life. 

Help me to have a heart of gratitude. 

Help me to love this life just as you intended. 

Because it’s not about me. Nope. It’s about you. 

You should probably remind me of that too. A lot. 

Give me the knowledge of your will and the strength to carry that out. 

I’m putting a lot of emphasis on that last part. 

Because that’s where you really come in. 

(Because I don’t know if you know this, but I kind of like doing things my way.)

So, here goes nothing, right? 

Because here we are. Just the two of us, again. 

“God Hid Her”

Because I shared this blog with another friend of mine. It didn’t apply to me because at the time I was convinced that I had found the man of my dreams. 

He was everything that I could have ever wanted and I believed that I was finally done looking. 

My kids loved him. I loved him. And he fit in with our family. 

Finally, this season of loneliness was over. 

Except that it wasn’t. 

Long story short, but ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t typically work out when you find out he has another girlfriend. 

So I’ve moved on. 

Learning to be comfortable with just myself. 

Learning to not take a single moment for granted.

But y’all, I am lonely.

Oh, I’ve heard it all before. I’ve even offered the same advice to my friends. 

But, I’d be lying if I pretended like it was easy. Like this was easy. Because it isn’t. Not even close. 

Because I’m lonely. 

“She was continuously rejected.

She couldn’t understand why.

No one ever stuck around.

Always pointing the finger at herself.

But all along God was hiding her.

From harm seen & unseen.

For He knew her worth when she didn’t. 

Too precious was she for any ol’ body.

Especially a somebody who’d dim her light.

Especially a somebody who’d take her away from her purpose.

So He made them dodge her because He was saving her for His very best. 

The realest love she’d ever lay eyes on, sweet him. 

& it’d be worth being hidden. 

He’s hiding you.”

And when I read that I think ‘how sweet’, but then I also think ‘okay, enough.’ 
‘Do you hear me?! Enough!’

Because this season is confusing. And it’s hard. And while I don’t want to sit here and whine, I’m over it. 

Because I just want someone.

I want someone to share things with. 

To lay on the couch with.

To do nothing with.

I want someone who I know will be excited to hear my good news.

Someone who will understand the bad news. 

Someone who won’t expect me to talk at all, but will just be still with me. 

And maybe there are some of you reading this thinking ‘give it time, it will happen.’ And trust me, I’ve said the exact same thing, and maybe my perception of time and His is different (note the sarcasm), but I’ve been lonely for a long time (insert dramatic exasperated sigh and eye roll). 

In fact, I would say that I was lonely my entire marriage. But I had become content. Because at least I had someone. And even if I couldn’t have the conversations I so desperately wanted to have, I could argue. I could have some sort of interaction.

Something.

And then maybe there are some of you who would offer the same advice I have.

That I will always be lonely until He is enough for me. Even if I had someone.

And I get it. I do. But I struggle. 

Man, do I struggle.

I struggle a lot with this idea.

Because I need something. Someone. I need substance. 

I need, Jesus with skin on. 

Because I’m tired of quiet time. I’m tired of reflecting. I’m tired of talking to myself. 

Because I never wanted to be here. 

Because I’m tired of going to the grocery store and seeing all the happy couples. 

Because then I remember that ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and suddenly I can see the enemy’s tactics. 

And I realize that as long as I am busy focusing on the things I don’t have, I will never focus on the things I do have. 

And I know that I have a lot. I know that my life is good. It might not look like the way I think it should, but I know it’s good because He is good. 

Because as long as the enemy can remind me of what I don’t have he can change my perspective of who He is. 

Because he can convince me to settle. To come out of hiding. To just want anything. To deal with anything. Even if it isn’t good. Even if it isn’t really what I want. 

Because deep down I know what I deserve. And after my marriage ended I decided that I wasn’t going to settle ever again. 

That this time, I would do it His way.

So maybe it is a good thing He’s hiding me. 

More

You wanna know something? There is never going to be enough time with you. 

Like, ever.

The truth is, had I known that it could be this good, I would have waited.

I would have sat on a rock and waited for you. 

Twiddling my thumbs. Patiently, well, almost patiently, waiting for you. 

I wouldn’t have wasted my time on anyone else because, if I’ve learned anything since being with you, it’s that there is never going to be enough time. 

I say that and then I think back to all the time, all the hours, the minutes, the seconds, that I have taken for granted. 

But not with you. 

Because I refuse to take even a single second for granted with you. 

Because I’m convinced there is never going to be enough time with you.

Because I’m only going to say this once. 

This is it.

Even the time it takes to say those 10 words is time that I’m losing with you. 

Because I’m always going to want one more minute. 

Because I’m always going to want one more kiss. 

Or one more chance to put my hand inside of yours.

Because I could wake up to you every morning and fall asleep to you every night and it still wouldn’t be enough.

Because I’m always going to want one more hug. 

One more story. 

One more laugh. 

Because I’m always going to want more. 

More of everything. 

Because there is never going to be enough time with you. 

Waiting

I couldn’t help but think that the sermon last Sunday was something just for me. 

Oh, I’m sure it applied to other people and their lives, but there was no denying that this was just another one of our intimate conversations that just so happen to take place in a large room full of people.

“Waiting,” the pastor began, “we are always waiting for something.” 

I perked up.

“We are waiting for the big things. The little things. The mundane things. Always waiting for something.”

Well, if that ain’t the darn truth? 

I have spent my entire life waiting. Waiting to find the right man. Waiting for a proposal. Waiting for the wedding day. Waiting to get pregnant. Waiting to meet each child after carrying them for 9 long months. Waiting for dinner. Waiting for a promotion. Waiting for a sale. Waiting for an apology. Waiting to see if my ex husband would come home after walking out. Waiting for an apartment. Waiting for a car. And most recently, waiting for a boyfriend.

Always waiting on something.

This past week or so God has really put it on my heart to ‘remain’. That’s the word that keeps coming to mind after every prayer. After every good cry. After I yell at Him for a little while. 

Remain.

Now, for those who know me, this goes against everything that I am. I don’t remain. I do. I fix. I manipulate. I control. Being still. Waiting. Being patient. Being content. Remaining. That’s not me.

Not even close.

As the conversation continued and the word ‘remain’ occupied my thoughts, I reflected back to the things I wait on. 

What happens when we’re done waiting. When we first lay eyes on the child that has grown inside of our bellies for 9 months? Or when we finally get that promotion at work that we’ve waited so long for? Or the wedding day that comes and goes in a blink of an eye? Then what? 

“Often times our hopes, our wishes, they’re too small,” he said.

See, I’ve just wanted a boyfriend. Sure, I have a checklist that I hope to check off once I meet him, but really it’s just a boyfriend that I’m waiting on. (Excuse me, was waiting on.) But what if God’s plan is to make that hope of having a boyfriend something bigger. Something I couldn’t even begin to imagine. 

And the thing is, I think He’s protecting me from settling with hope that is too small. 

Turn with me to Luke 1: 5-22. Anyone else relate to Zechariah? Here God sends an angel to give Zechariah some pretty unbelievable news. And he doesn’t believe it. He had hoped for a baby for a really long time, but he made his current hopes and wishes in relation to what he could do. 

Not what He could do. 

I have scoured online dating apps and services looking to find a man that I could spend time with. That would make me feel complete. My hopes had become based on what I could do. But God, God says that I should remain. Not because He’s mean. Or because He doesn’t want me to be happy. But because He has something so much better in store for me. Maybe it’s a boyfriend. Maybe it isn’t. But His hopes for me, aren’t based on what I can do.  

He wants me to have hopes based on what He can do. 

So I remain. I remain because I can’t even begin to think like He does. Because I will settle, every single time, I’ll settle. And if I’m waiting on everything else anyways why not wait for Him. 

Because if you’ll turn to verses 68-79 you’ll see that God always delivers HIs promises. 

And as the pastor continued to talk, “because here was Zechariah, when Elizabeth finally bore their son, it wasn’t the son he boasted about. It was about God coming to his people and keeping the promise that He had made nearly 3,000 years earlier. That was the hope. That was the big picture. God always keeps His word to us.”

So, if God says to remain, I remain. Even if it isn’t easy and even if it’s the last thing I want to do. Because God delivers His promises and He’s already told me that He’s got something pretty amazing in store for me. And I don’t have to settle anymore. 

I just have to remain and wait on Him.

And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord. Luke 1:45