With You

I will not make this tragedy about me. 

I will not make it about my beliefs. 

I will not make it my platform to take my stance. 

Because I think that’s the problem. 

The sense of self. 

This pride and sense of entitlement to be right. 

To be heard. 

To be sure that everyone knows how we feel. 

So instead, I’m going to think about you. 

I’m going to let my heart break with you. 

I’m going to get angry with you and not at you. 

Because I will not make this tragedy about me. 

But I will use it as an opportunity to stand with you. 

Familiar 

No one can serve two masters, since either he will hate one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. Matthew 6:24

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve read that verse. 

Let’s just say that I read it enough where I thought I understood it enough to just glance at it when it would come up. 

Except that’s just one of the amazing things about God’s word. It’s never the same each time we read it. 

We can read the same verse over and over and somehow, we still have this amazing gift to take something different from it each time. 

This is why His word never fails. 

So, yeah, okay, can’t serve God and money, got it. 

Except that I didn’t. I don’t. 

I have this amazing ability to turn anything into a little God. 

Anything. 

From my family to my job to my prayers. 

I can even turn my coffee into a little God every morning if I’m not careful. 

So as I read this verse again, I replaced ‘money’ with all those other things, but something still wasn’t right. 

And then it hit me.

You cannot serve both God and yourself.

It hit me straight in the gut and took my breath away.

It was never my intention to compete with God. But that’s exactly what I had been doing. 

It was never any of those other things. 

It was me. 

It was thinking I knew better than He did. 

It was thinking I was more resourceful than He was. 

It was thinking that I was exactly where I was in life because of what I did to get there. 

Gross, right? 

Because I don’t know about you, but every time I have tried to do something on my own either one of two things happen: 1. I fall on my face. 2. I make a bigger mess than necessary. 

Oh, and there is one more thing: I always come back to Him. 

Have I truly been a disciple of Christ? I can’t help but wonder. 

Oh man, do I love Him. I love Him so much it hurts. 

But do I love myself more? 

What a conviction it is to ask yourself that very question. 

I was hoping to finish this blog and shout from my bed that I loved Him the most. 

But as I sit here, comforted by this hot cup of coffee, I’m not sure I can say that with an honest heart. 

So instead, I’m quietly asking the Holy Spirit to come into this broken heart and to make some changes. 

Reluctantly, I am asking the Holy Spirit to come into my broken heart.

Because this is terrifying. 

Dying to one’s self? 

Choosing to trust in something you can’t even see? 

Laying down all the things that bring me satisfaction and joy? 

I wish I could say it was easier, but it’s not. And I can feel myself clinging on to those fleeting things. 

Because for so long, even when I wasn’t acknowledging it, for so long it was up to me. At least, that’s how I looked at it. 

That’s what we’re conditioned to do, right?

We grow up with the idea that if we want something we have to work for it. 

That our best choices have gotten us to where we are. 

And that if we aren’t happy with something we have the power to change it. 

But what if that goes against everything that He is?

What if by believing those things we are giving ourselves too much credit and taking away from what He has done for us? 

I hope you weren’t expecting an answer. 

Because I’m drawing a blank. 

And maybe this is His lesson. The thing that’s happening right now. The not knowing. 

Maybe this is Him proving a point. Making His case. 

Maybe, He brings us into the familiar just to show us how unfamiliar it actually is. 

And how much, despite what we may think, we actually need Him.

 

How can I pray for you? 

Simply, comment below or email me: lauren@laurenfalber.com 

Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6

Here

I made it.

Finally, I made it. 

I can hardly catch my breath. 

I never actually expected to make it here. 

There was something always getting in my way. Mostly that was me, but I made it.

I must have passed by this place a thousand times.

Mostly in my head, passing the time until I could actually be here.

But I never thought I’d make it. 

There’s a sense of familiarity here. 

I like that.

Like this was how it was supposed to be. 

Like this is where I should have been.

But looking back, it was all of those wrong turns, those detours, the roadwork, it all helped me get here. 

Right here with you. 

Exactly where I should have been. 

And I’m just glad I made it. 

Because it was a long ride. And I spent a lot of time on the road. 

A lot of long nights; restless mornings. 

But the truth is, I would have kept driving if I knew you’d be here.

I am just so happy to finally be here. 

You Can Be

So recently I’ve been living or trying to live (verdict is still out on that) in a season of contentment. 

God has really put it on my heart that despite my best efforts this is where I am supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing. 

I can stop trying to run. 

I can finally stop and catch my breath. 

As a single mother I am constantly thinking about money. Maybe that’s an unfair assessment? Maybe we’re all thinking about money.

I know I am. 

Always.

Whether I have enough. If I will have enough. How I wish I had more. What I would do with more if I had it. 

You get the picture.

Yesterday I found myself praying. 

My bank account had only $20 in it and payday was a long ways away. 

So I prayed. 

I prayed that I would get to a place financially where I didn’t have to worry. 

I even threw out a specific amount, you know, just in case He wasn’t sure. ;)

But before I could even say ‘amen’ I knew I was wrong. 

I was completely wrong in that prayer. 

He could answer it. I have no doubt that He could provide the exact dollar amount per my request. But it wasn’t really about the money. 

‘You can be…’ He answered.

I retraced my words wondering what He was talking about.

‘You can be…’ He repeated.

And He was right. 

I could be. 

I didn’t have to worry. 

Even with only $20 in my bank account and payday a long ways away. I didn’t have to worry. 

Because I can be in that place despite the size of my paycheck. 

Because I can be in that place by choosing to trust Him.

Because at the end of the day it comes down to me and where I put my faith. 

The truth is, instead of praying for more money, I need to change my prayer. 

What I need besides a bigger paycheck is a complete change in heart. 

A change in the way I look at money.

A change in the way I handle my money. 

Because, let’s be honest, I’ll never have ‘enough’. 

No one can serve two masters, since either he will hate one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. Matthew 6:24

But the truth is that I already do. 

I already have more than enough.

I have so much because of what Jesus chose to do for me on the cross when He gave up His perfect life for my messy, broken, imperfect life. 

And so do you. 

More than any dollar amount we could ever want. 

Lord, thank you. Thank you for sending your only son to take my place on that cross. Thank you for always giving me enough. Even when I don’t deserve it. Lord, change my heart. Help me to be content despite my circumstances. Despite the size of my paycheck or the size of my bank account. Remind me always that you are enough. You are all I need. And help to make you all I want. I pray these things in your name. For your honor and glory. Amen. 

Date Night

I took myself on a date last night. 

Just me.

And you want to know something? 

It was perfect. 

Perfect because I didn’t have to worry about what I was going to wear. 

Perfect because I could just be without worrying about trying to make an impression.

Perfect because I didn’t have to worry about anything.

Not even finding a babysitter. 

I bought myself flowers. 

And the biggest steak I could find. 

I lit a candle. You know, to set the mood.

I poured myself a glass of wine. 

It was quiet. 

And amazing. 

I got to eat as much as I wanted. And have an extra glass of wine without anyone judging me.

I got to be comfortable. Not just because I was wearing my pajamas, but because I got to be me. 

For dessert I had cheesecake. 

And realized that I should probably order dessert more when I’m on dates. 

I got to listen to music. 

Read a little of my new book. 

And not wonder if the guy across from me was going to call me the next day. 

Because I don’t know about you, but dating sucks. 

I remember shortly after Justin left that I finally felt ready to start dating. I was naive enough to think that dating would be this amazingly fun thing that I got to do now. The silver lining of a very dark cloud. 

I looked forward to those first dates. The ones where your stomach found itself in knots because this could be it. This could be your last first date ever. 

Turns out, not only am I completely naive, but I am also a hopeless romantic. 

And while I won’t say all of my dates have been a bust, I will say it’s exhausting. And it can drive a girl crazy. 

But most of all, it can make you lose sight of what’s important. 

So I took myself on a date. 

My kids looked at me like I was crazy. 

‘But who’s going to have dinner with you?’ ‘Wait, so you’re just going to be alone?’ ‘Mom, that’s sad.’ 

Maybe it is. Maybe this is just me being naive again. 

Do I wish there had been someone else to cook for? Absolutely.

Do I wish there had been two wine glasses to put in the dishwasher at the end of the night? Of course. 

But there is something so empowering learning to accept that there might only be dinner for one. And there might only be one wine glass. 

And that’s okay. 

I’d be lying if I said I hope that’s what happens. I don’t. I want someone looking at me from across the table. I want the romance. 

I want the happy ending.

I also wouldn’t mind help with the dishes. ;) 

But what I’ve learned over these last few months is that I don’t just want anyone there. 

I’m letting Him choose. 

And so for right now the other seats are empty. 

And that’s okay. 

Because I took myself on a date last night. 

And between us? I think I might ask for a second. 

Just the Two of Us

So here we are. Just the two of us, again. 

You know, you’re setting a pretty impossible bar. 

Because even the good ones fall short. 

You did that. 

You made me realize just how much I deserve. How much I shouldn’t settle. And just how much I have settled in the past. 

I wish I could tell you that I’m getting more comfortable with the lonliness, but I’m not.

I wish I could tell you that I’m not sitting here wondering what the heck is wrong with me, but I can’t. 

But mostly I just wish that you could be here so I could feel a little less lonely. 

So help me. 

Help me to find contentment in this season. 

Because it’s hard not to compare. Especially when it’s so quiet here. 

It’s hard not to want what ‘they’ have. 

Because the enemy is desperate to convince me that I don’t belong. 

So that’s why I need your help. 

Help me to appreciate this season. 

Help me to feel your presence. 

Help me to remember that I am not alone, not really. 

Help me to shift my focus to all the amazing things I have in my life. 

Help me to have a heart of gratitude. 

Help me to love this life just as you intended. 

Because it’s not about me. Nope. It’s about you. 

You should probably remind me of that too. A lot. 

Give me the knowledge of your will and the strength to carry that out. 

I’m putting a lot of emphasis on that last part. 

Because that’s where you really come in. 

(Because I don’t know if you know this, but I kind of like doing things my way.)

So, here goes nothing, right? 

Because here we are. Just the two of us, again. 

All Wrong

Y’all, I think I’ve been doing it all wrong. 

Let me start off by asking you the same question someone asked me. 

“Why do you go to church on Sunday morning?” 

I didn’t even have to think about the answer. 

I go because it’s what I do. I go because of how I feel when I’m there. I go because I want my kids to be raised in a church. 

And sure, there’s nothing really wrong with those answers, but there is something missing from those answers. 

Let me ask you another question.

“Why do you read the Bible?”

To comfort myself. To educate myself. To find answers. 

Again, nothing wrong with those answers and yet, they are still missing something. 

Y’all, I’ve been doing it all wrong. 

Because this whole time I’ve made it about myself. 

What can God do for me? 

I never really thought of it like that. I thought I was doing right by reading the Bible and going to church every Sunday. 

You know me, dotting my i’s and crossing my t’s. 

But the truth is, it should never be about me. 

It should be about Him. 

Yes, the beautiful thing about Him is that when we honor Him and we praise Him, it does something for us too. It gives us that warm, fuzzy feeling that so many of us long for. But it isn’t about that feeling. 

It’s about Him.

I have been to church for answers. For when I’m having a bad week, a bad day, a bad morning. You name it. I go and I try to make myself feel better.

What can you do for me? 

When I’m struggling in life, as a single mother, with finances, relationships, you name it. I flip open my Bible and I try to make myself feel better. 

But, it isn’t about me. 

Whether I’m happy or sad or stressed or not, it isn’t about me. 

It should be about Him. 

I should be praising Him and worshiping Him despite what my personal life looks like. 

It should never be about what He can do for me, but rather, what I can do for Him. 

Now, in the grand scheme of things I realize I really can’t do much for Him. Truth be told, He doesn’t need me. But thankfully, He doesn’t expect much.

And instead of showing up on Sunday mornings for me, I can show up for Him. 

I can stop worrying about what He can do for me and I can just show up for Him. 

I can love Him. 

I can love Him with my whole heart.

Instead of opening up my Bible to answer all the questions I have to the unfairness of life, I can just be grateful for His living word.

I can just spend time with Him. 

Now, I’m not saying we can’t pray. Or that we shouldn’t pray. I firmly believe that in order to be in a relationship with God, we need to be able to talk to Him. 

And I don’t know about you, but my life would be even more of a wreck if I wasn’t able to pray to Him.

But instead of focusing on the prayer. Instead of focusing on the desired outcome of the specific prayer. Perhaps, I could focus on the action. 

The very blessing that it is to be able to go to Him in prayer. (Thank you Jesus)

Truth be told, I can find myself off track, a lot. 

Desiring my will instead of His.

I’m there right now. 

Boldly praying for Him to do things my way. 

But I think I have it all wrong. 

The bold part is not asking Him to do things my way, it’s being able to talk to Him at all. 

Because it’s not about me. It’s about Him. 

Because, y’all. I’ve been doing it all wrong. 

It was never actually about me. That’s the sin and the brokenness in our world. That’s the reminder that I desperately need Him in all things. 

Even in these kinds of things. 

Because I mess up. 

Because even when it’s about Him, I make it about me. 

Lord, help me to make it about you. 


Enough. 

Seek peace and pursue it. (Psalm 34:14)

Every so often, as I am spending time in God’s word do I stop and go, ‘That. That’s what He wants me to write about.’ 

I read it over and over. 

Seek peace and pursue it. 

At first, I was convinced it had to do with my life. What had been going on. 

Life was crazy. Things happened. I had been running away for a long time. Too scared to come back. Too scared to look Him in the eye.

So surely, this is what He was laying on my heart. This. Finding peace within myself. Peace through Him. Peace from this small town that I didn’t always care for. 

And maybe I was sort of right. 

But that wasn’t it. I didn’t feel the words flying out of my fingertips the way they do when He gives me the words. 

And then it happened. 

It has covered my facebook feed. Twitter has been going crazy. It’s on the news. It’s on the streets. It’s in the eyes of my dearest friends. 

And it has been something that I didn’t even have the slightest clue was happening. 

It was because of my privilege that I was clueless. Oh, the irony. 

Brothers and sisters, I am talking to you. 

Church, I am talking to you.

But mostly, I am talking to myself.

Seek peace and pursue it. 

Because there should be no reason for this mess we’ve gotten ourselves in. 

Because there should be no reason why someone is hated because of their skin color. 

Because we shouldn’t even be seeing skin color.

Because we are all His children. 

Because we are all made in His image.

Because, quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of hearing ‘All lives matter’.

Because it isn’t about us anymore.

Because I’m afraid of the people I see on the TV. Not because I think they’ll hurt me, but because I have a feeling I know more people just like them than I ever realized. 

Because no one should leave their house worried about what could happen just because they don’t look like me. 

Because I’m not talking about jobs or pay or social injustices like that. No, what I am talking about is people of color having to worry about coming home simply because they are people of color. 

Brother and sisters, I am talking to you.

Church, I am talking to you.

Seek peace and pursue it.

Because our brothers and sisters are hurting. 

Because He calls us to love one another as He has loved us and I’m not sure that we are understanding just what He meant.

Because what is happening right now is not making America great again. 

And because now I am talking to you. 

To my friends who don’t look like me.

I am sorry. 

I know these are just words on a screen, but I am sorry.

I am sorry I didn’t understand sooner.

I am sorry I didn’t speak up sooner.

I am sorry I didn’t seek peace sooner. 

I am sorry that my heart did not break sooner.

But know this. I am choosing to stand with you. 

I am choosing to love you.

I am choosing to speak up on your behalf and use my privelage to let you be heard. 

Because I will not be associated with what’s going on.

I will not let them decide where I belong based on the color of my skin.

Because I refuse to raise my children in a world where one is better than the other.

And because now I am talking to you.

Love them too. 

I know what I am asking seems ridiculous.

And I know that you could come up with many reasons why I should never ask this of you.

But be better than they are.

Seek peace and pursue it. 

Even when it’s hard. 

Even when it seems pointless. 

Because He is peace. 

And we should all be pursuing Him. 

Lord, I know to many it might seem like you are not here. But I know that isn’t true. Lord, I know your heart is breaking like ours. Lord, be with us. Be with all of us. Help us to pray for each other. Help us to pray when it hurts, Lord. Help us to pray even when we don’t have the words. Lord, love on those who are hurting. Lord, use me. Help me to do what you have called me to do. Lord, help us to seek peace and pursue it. Lord, I pray this in your name for your honor and glory. Amen.


Caught

My sin finally caught up with me. 

I'm not sure how long I thought I could outrun it. Out smart it. And, well, just ignore it. 

But I tried. 

I tried really hard.

But it finally caught up with me. 

I expected an outrage. Punishment. 

I expected to be shamed. Hated. 

And so I hid. 

I hid for a long time. 

I hid behind these words. I hid behind you. Anything I could do to hide, I did. 

But my sin finally caught up with me.

I stood there, face to face with it. 

And you want to know something? 

It wasn't as bad as I thought. 

Yes, it was bad. Yes, it broke God's heart. But it didn't define me. 

It didn't control me. 

And it didn't make Him love me any less. 

Because that's who He is. 

The world would have you believe that He couldn't love us. That He couldn't forgive us. 

That it would have to be up to us to make it better.

Y'all. The world is wrong. 

He loves us. Period.

He loves us even when we don't love ourselves. 

When we can't love ourselves. 

Because what the world uses to hurt us, He uses to love us. 

To meet us wherever we are. 

And to say, "I love you, anyways." 

It's not to justify our sin. Or to make it okay. But it's to remind us that even though we are broken, He is not. 

Even though we fall short, He never will. 

Even though we can't, He can. 

So, I finally stopped running. 

I finally stopped hiding.

Because I finally let my sin catch up to me.