Enough. 

Seek peace and pursue it. (Psalm 34:14)

Every so often, as I am spending time in God’s word do I stop and go, ‘That. That’s what He wants me to write about.’ 

I read it over and over. 

Seek peace and pursue it. 

At first, I was convinced it had to do with my life. What had been going on. 

Life was crazy. Things happened. I had been running away for a long time. Too scared to come back. Too scared to look Him in the eye.

So surely, this is what He was laying on my heart. This. Finding peace within myself. Peace through Him. Peace from this small town that I didn’t always care for. 

And maybe I was sort of right. 

But that wasn’t it. I didn’t feel the words flying out of my fingertips the way they do when He gives me the words. 

And then it happened. 

It has covered my facebook feed. Twitter has been going crazy. It’s on the news. It’s on the streets. It’s in the eyes of my dearest friends. 

And it has been something that I didn’t even have the slightest clue was happening. 

It was because of my privilege that I was clueless. Oh, the irony. 

Brothers and sisters, I am talking to you. 

Church, I am talking to you.

But mostly, I am talking to myself.

Seek peace and pursue it. 

Because there should be no reason for this mess we’ve gotten ourselves in. 

Because there should be no reason why someone is hated because of their skin color. 

Because we shouldn’t even be seeing skin color.

Because we are all His children. 

Because we are all made in His image.

Because, quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of hearing ‘All lives matter’.

Because it isn’t about us anymore.

Because I’m afraid of the people I see on the TV. Not because I think they’ll hurt me, but because I have a feeling I know more people just like them than I ever realized. 

Because no one should leave their house worried about what could happen just because they don’t look like me. 

Because I’m not talking about jobs or pay or social injustices like that. No, what I am talking about is people of color having to worry about coming home simply because they are people of color. 

Brother and sisters, I am talking to you.

Church, I am talking to you.

Seek peace and pursue it.

Because our brothers and sisters are hurting. 

Because He calls us to love one another as He has loved us and I’m not sure that we are understanding just what He meant.

Because what is happening right now is not making America great again. 

And because now I am talking to you. 

To my friends who don’t look like me.

I am sorry. 

I know these are just words on a screen, but I am sorry.

I am sorry I didn’t understand sooner.

I am sorry I didn’t speak up sooner.

I am sorry I didn’t seek peace sooner. 

I am sorry that my heart did not break sooner.

But know this. I am choosing to stand with you. 

I am choosing to love you.

I am choosing to speak up on your behalf and use my privelage to let you be heard. 

Because I will not be associated with what’s going on.

I will not let them decide where I belong based on the color of my skin.

Because I refuse to raise my children in a world where one is better than the other.

And because now I am talking to you.

Love them too. 

I know what I am asking seems ridiculous.

And I know that you could come up with many reasons why I should never ask this of you.

But be better than they are.

Seek peace and pursue it. 

Even when it’s hard. 

Even when it seems pointless. 

Because He is peace. 

And we should all be pursuing Him. 

Lord, I know to many it might seem like you are not here. But I know that isn’t true. Lord, I know your heart is breaking like ours. Lord, be with us. Be with all of us. Help us to pray for each other. Help us to pray when it hurts, Lord. Help us to pray even when we don’t have the words. Lord, love on those who are hurting. Lord, use me. Help me to do what you have called me to do. Lord, help us to seek peace and pursue it. Lord, I pray this in your name for your honor and glory. Amen.


Caught

My sin finally caught up with me. 

I'm not sure how long I thought I could outrun it. Out smart it. And, well, just ignore it. 

But I tried. 

I tried really hard.

But it finally caught up with me. 

I expected an outrage. Punishment. 

I expected to be shamed. Hated. 

And so I hid. 

I hid for a long time. 

I hid behind these words. I hid behind you. Anything I could do to hide, I did. 

But my sin finally caught up with me.

I stood there, face to face with it. 

And you want to know something? 

It wasn't as bad as I thought. 

Yes, it was bad. Yes, it broke God's heart. But it didn't define me. 

It didn't control me. 

And it didn't make Him love me any less. 

Because that's who He is. 

The world would have you believe that He couldn't love us. That He couldn't forgive us. 

That it would have to be up to us to make it better.

Y'all. The world is wrong. 

He loves us. Period.

He loves us even when we don't love ourselves. 

When we can't love ourselves. 

Because what the world uses to hurt us, He uses to love us. 

To meet us wherever we are. 

And to say, "I love you, anyways." 

It's not to justify our sin. Or to make it okay. But it's to remind us that even though we are broken, He is not. 

Even though we fall short, He never will. 

Even though we can't, He can. 

So, I finally stopped running. 

I finally stopped hiding.

Because I finally let my sin catch up to me. 

Lost

Since when did it become so hard to pray? 

I am lost, y’all. Completely lost. 

So without getting into a lot of detail I will tell you that something happened. I did something and it changed everything. 

I am being hard on myself. Too hard according to some. And not hard enough according to others. 

And on one hand I know He’s here. He’s been here the whole time. 

And on the other, I wish He wasn’t. 

But I just don’t know how to talk to Him right now. 

And it isn’t Him. It’s me. 

It’s all me. 

And here’s the thing. I know what will help. I know what will take this burden from me. I know all of that. 

And I’ve been reminded of just that from many of you, but it isn’t that easy. 

Because part of me thinks He shouldn’t. Part of me wishes He would be angry. 

Because I know what I would do. 

But that’s not Him. 

For anyone reading this who might not know Him. For anyone who might think He’s mean or angry or full of wrath. 

He isn’t. 

‘But this world is so awful and horrible…’

Yeah, I know. But that’s not Him. He’s not responsible for that. We are. 

The brokenness. The evil. The injustice. That’s us. Not Him. 

But I still can’t talk to Him. 

Maybe it’s pride. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s because I don’t think I deserve grace, forgiveness, love. 

I just can’t. 

Because I wouldn’t even know where to begin. 

And the person I ask for help when I’m scared, well, you see what’s happening. 

And I know that He already knows. I know that He already knows what I can’t say yet, but still, here I am. 

Silent. 

Desperate to be heard, but too scared to say a word. 

So, it looks like I’ll have to be lost a little while longer. 

At least, I know I’m not alone. 

“God Hid Her”

Because I shared this blog with another friend of mine. It didn’t apply to me because at the time I was convinced that I had found the man of my dreams. 

He was everything that I could have ever wanted and I believed that I was finally done looking. 

My kids loved him. I loved him. And he fit in with our family. 

Finally, this season of loneliness was over. 

Except that it wasn’t. 

Long story short, but ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t typically work out when you find out he has another girlfriend. 

So I’ve moved on. 

Learning to be comfortable with just myself. 

Learning to not take a single moment for granted.

But y’all, I am lonely.

Oh, I’ve heard it all before. I’ve even offered the same advice to my friends. 

But, I’d be lying if I pretended like it was easy. Like this was easy. Because it isn’t. Not even close. 

Because I’m lonely. 

“She was continuously rejected.

She couldn’t understand why.

No one ever stuck around.

Always pointing the finger at herself.

But all along God was hiding her.

From harm seen & unseen.

For He knew her worth when she didn’t. 

Too precious was she for any ol’ body.

Especially a somebody who’d dim her light.

Especially a somebody who’d take her away from her purpose.

So He made them dodge her because He was saving her for His very best. 

The realest love she’d ever lay eyes on, sweet him. 

& it’d be worth being hidden. 

He’s hiding you.”

And when I read that I think ‘how sweet’, but then I also think ‘okay, enough.’ 
‘Do you hear me?! Enough!’

Because this season is confusing. And it’s hard. And while I don’t want to sit here and whine, I’m over it. 

Because I just want someone.

I want someone to share things with. 

To lay on the couch with.

To do nothing with.

I want someone who I know will be excited to hear my good news.

Someone who will understand the bad news. 

Someone who won’t expect me to talk at all, but will just be still with me. 

And maybe there are some of you reading this thinking ‘give it time, it will happen.’ And trust me, I’ve said the exact same thing, and maybe my perception of time and His is different (note the sarcasm), but I’ve been lonely for a long time (insert dramatic exasperated sigh and eye roll). 

In fact, I would say that I was lonely my entire marriage. But I had become content. Because at least I had someone. And even if I couldn’t have the conversations I so desperately wanted to have, I could argue. I could have some sort of interaction.

Something.

And then maybe there are some of you who would offer the same advice I have.

That I will always be lonely until He is enough for me. Even if I had someone.

And I get it. I do. But I struggle. 

Man, do I struggle.

I struggle a lot with this idea.

Because I need something. Someone. I need substance. 

I need, Jesus with skin on. 

Because I’m tired of quiet time. I’m tired of reflecting. I’m tired of talking to myself. 

Because I never wanted to be here. 

Because I’m tired of going to the grocery store and seeing all the happy couples. 

Because then I remember that ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and suddenly I can see the enemy’s tactics. 

And I realize that as long as I am busy focusing on the things I don’t have, I will never focus on the things I do have. 

And I know that I have a lot. I know that my life is good. It might not look like the way I think it should, but I know it’s good because He is good. 

Because as long as the enemy can remind me of what I don’t have he can change my perspective of who He is. 

Because he can convince me to settle. To come out of hiding. To just want anything. To deal with anything. Even if it isn’t good. Even if it isn’t really what I want. 

Because deep down I know what I deserve. And after my marriage ended I decided that I wasn’t going to settle ever again. 

That this time, I would do it His way.

So maybe it is a good thing He’s hiding me. 

Your Will, Not Mine. 

I’ve started this blog about 15 times already, but I end up reading what I’m writing and deleting it just as fast because I just don’t know what to say.

Well, actually, that’s not entirely true. I know what to say, but I’m having a hard time saying it.

It wasn’t too long ago that I listened to a sermon about Pride

I’ve never really thought of myself as a prideful person, but turns out, I am.

A lot.

My pride was hurt when my ex husband walked out on me. It was hurt when I found out that he was cheating.

It killed me to have to start over. 

To live on my parents’ couch for 4 months while I tried to piece my life back together.

I work in a business where pride runs the show. Even this blog has made its own contribution.

The truth is, I pride myself on doing it all on my own. Being a single mom, who not only has a successful business, but who homeschools, who works out 6 days a week. Who really does her best not to depend on anyone. 

I hate asking for help. 

But more than that, I hate admitting that I need help.

And this is the lesson He’s been trying to teach me.

This is the lesson I’ve been avoiding. Pretending not to hear Him. Pretending to have a plan B, C, D…

Praying for discernment and wisdom, but really hoping that I’d figure it out all on my own. Or that He would just jump on board with my will, not His.

 So, here I am. I’m sure you’ve seen my many selfies and beach photos. Living it up in Florida over the last few weeks while my kids spend some time with their dad.

I’ve bragged about my life. Bragged about being able to take vacation after vacation. And on one hand, I’ve been completely honest. On the other, I’ve manipulated what you see. 

The truth is I have been blessed. Very blessed. Everything I have is a gift from Him. Everything. And while I work hard, none of this is my doing. It’s Him.

I think I forgot that for a little bit. Truly believing that I got myself to where I am. 

I didn’t. He did.

The truth is I’ve spent about $30 on this vacation. I have been blessed to be able to stay with friends and family during this time away. 

And thank goodness, because financially, I’m struggling. 

Money has always been a tough topic to talk about. With anyone. It makes me uncomfortable. And as much as I hate having a budget, I have to have one. 

I’ve done well on my own. I still can’t believe that I get paid to do what I do for a living. 

And I never thought that I could do this on my own, but I am (well, with His help, of course.) 

But what I’ve learned, or rather, what He’s trying to teach me, is that it isn’t all about what I can do.

And honestly, I can’t do it alone. 

It’s a lesson I’ve seen this entire trip. If you’re familiar with 12 step programs, it’s steps 1-3. 

Given my own history with recovery, I can’t help but find it ironic that these are the steps I struggle with. 

To sum it up:

  1. Admitted we were powerless.
  2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Turned our life and our will over to the care of God as we understood him.

Oh, how I go about each day thinking that I’m in control. That I’ve got it. 

Cue, eyeroll. 

So this trip has been all about acknowledging these steps.

Let’s have another eyeroll. 

I can’t get into the many details of what has happened since I left my house in April, but it’s Him. 

And the final lesson is that I can’t do it. Not without Him. 

My sales are down. My ex owes me money. I have bills that are due and, to be honest, I have no idea how I’m going to pay for them. 

I was sharing these things with my friend. 

“It’s like He has put up a wall on everything. Literally, He has blocked my way. The only way left to go is His way.”

I’m reminding myself of all the life lessons I’ve had up until this point because going His way is intimidating. It’s humbling. And even though I know it’s not, it seems so unsure. 

“The thing is, there is nothing scarier than when I can’t hear Him anymore. When He goes quiet. When I’m screaming out to Him and yet, I hear nothing…and then there are times like this, when I know His voice exactly. When I can’t pretend not to hear Him. When He’s so loud that there’s no escaping Him.” 

That’s where I’m at. 

I’ve tried plans B, C, and D, but it’s evident that no matter what my plan is, it won’t work. 

Therefore, this is what I will do:
I will block her way with thorns; 
I will enclose her with a wall,
So that she cannot find her paths.

                                          Hosea 2:6

As I shared what was going on with another friend, she approached me about setting up a Gofundme. Immediately, I cringed. 

I didn’t want people to know that I was having such a hard time. 

I was embarrassed. I AM embarrassed. 

She felt that God had put it on her heart to do this for me. 

I didn’t want to admit it, but I knew she was probably right. 

It went hand in hand with what He had been trying to do in my life. 

So, I let her. But I had a few conditions. I wasn’t going to share it with anyone I knew. She was not allowed to tag me either.

We should probably do another eye roll for good measure. 

We talked again after I got some more bad news.

“I think you should share it,” she said. 

I hesitated. Then quickly came up with a few excuses why I couldn’t do that. I told her I would pray about it, but what I meant is that I would briefly mention it during my prayers and move onto the next subject without waiting for a response.

I guess it is true that He knows us better than we know ourselves because I knew the answer to the prayer I hadn’t even prayed. 

Immediately, I knew.

“Lauren,” she said, “this is how He uses you. You go through your struggles and you share it with people and in that you bring people closer to Him. People get to see who He is through you. How do you know that He doesn’t want you to share this so someone else can be blessed?” 

I held back the tears. 

I knew she was right. 

This is what We did. 

I struggled. He blessed.

So was my ego really too big to do what we had always done? 

Over the course of this relationship did I really begin to believe that He had nothing to do with getting me to where I was?

So here I am. 

Finally finishing up the blog that I couldn’t write just a few days ago. 

Humbling myself to you, but mostly to Him.

Admitting that I am powerless. That my life had become unmanageable. And that the only way to change that would be with Him. Turning my life and my will over to Him. No matter if I think I have a better way. Or if my path is a little less intimidating. 

I’m not doing this because of the money. Or to make myself feel better after I receive encouragement for being so open and honest. 

Nope, I’m doing this because it isn’t really about me. 

Never has been.

But, because Your will, not mine. 

Bikini

So this entire trip has been about learning to not only step out of my comfort zone, but to be comfortable doing it. 

I’ve already begun to make baby steps. Doing things I never would do. Trying foods I would never have eaten. 

I’ve joked since Justin first left me about wanting my very own ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ moment, but the thing is, He listened. 

Because here it is. 
So the other day, in theme with my trip, I decided to buy a bikini. 
Now, some of you may not believe that He had something to do with something so silly and trivial, but I would have to disagree. 
Hear me out. 

There it was. In my favorite colors. It had not been in the same store when I was in NC nor had it been online. 

It was everything I could want in a bathing suit. Except that it was a bikini. 

It had been over 8 years since I had worn a two piece. And I’m not going to lie, the second I laid my eyes on it, I began to criticize the way my body would look in it. 
This bathing suit was meant for a ‘perfect’ body. Whatever that meant. But I grabbed it anyways and quickly made it to the checkout line before I changed my mind. 

When I got to my car I threw the bag into my backseat. And I left it there for a few days. Uncertain of what I was supposed to do with it. Puzzled that a bathing suit could bring up so many emotions and feelings that I had worked so hard to suppress. 

Memories of the way I felt about my body growing up were suddenly at the forefront of my mind. Never mind all the progress I had made in the last few years. 

Suddenly I was back to where I was. Embarrassed, ashamed, and full of self hate. 

The bag sat in my car for a few days. I pretended not to notice it when I would get in the car. 

But there it was.

Because I don’t give up on things and because I can be one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet, I knew that I would wear that bathing suit at least once. 

And so, last week, I put it on. 

Maybe I was hoping it was all in my head. That my body was ‘perfect’ for this bathing suit. But when I looked in the mirror, the full size mirror, I might add, I felt the same way I had when I held it up in the store. 

But then I realized something. Something big. 

Who really cares about what I wear to the beach? 

I was so nervous that someone would think ‘eww, why is she wearing that?’ Or that someone would say the things I was saying to myself. 

But let’s be real. 

People who are at the beach did not come to see what I would be wearing. They didn’t come to criticize me. To put me down. They came to see the beach. 

And if they did, it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the way they thought of themselves. 

The things that mattered were the things I was saying to myself. And it was time I started being a little nicer. 

So, I grabbed my bag and I made my way to the beach. Bikini and all. 

And I’ve done it more than once. 

Am I where I want to be? Not yet. But I’m celebrating every step forward that I take. 

Because stubborn or not, I did it. 

And no one can take that away from me. Not even myself. 

Hand Holding

Last week, God laid some pretty crazy things on my heart. 

“This is what we’re going to do,” He said. 

I couldn’t help but think He was a little crazy, but I went with it. 

And just to make sure I was hearing Him correctly I went on a 3 day fast. And y’all. I heard Him correctly.

So my fast is over. I’m back to my typical routine and life. And, to be honest, I’m back to my old ways.

I seriously can’t roll my eyes enough at this.

Because the truth is, last week I was so close to Him. Like, so close. I could feel Him everywhere. I knew Him in a way I hadn’t before. Our relationship had become intimate. It had become the relationship that I was dying to have with Him. 

Seriously, I was on another level. 

But like I said, I’ve fallen back to my old habits.

Let me explain.

Okay, so last week God had put some things on my heart. I saw a plan (even if I didn’t have all the details). I saw a purpose. It made sense. 

And I was all in.

So today, when the plan started to drift from what I thought it would look like, my first reaction was to embrace for impact. 

What do I mean?

I mean, telling myself that I probably didn’t hear Him correctly. That maybe I was mistaken. Maybe this wasn’t the plan after all. 

SERIOUSLY, LAUREN?? 

Did you guys see what I just did there? Because I didn’t. Not right away anyways. 

And I’m pretty sure that most of us do what I did, naturally. It’s our go-to because we don’t really get who He is. 

And if you read my blog from last week, you would see that today, I did my best to stuff Him back into that tiny little box. 

Because here’s the truth, y’all. When things started to go differently than I had expected them to, I immediately thought it couldn’t be done. 

The plan He had just couldn’t be done if He didn’t stick to the way I thought it should work. 

Because that’s so typical of me. Thinking that my way is the best way and if it isn’t done my way, well then, what’s the point? 

But here’s the truth. The truth is that my God can do anything. 

The truth is, no matter how hard I try I will never get Him to fit inside of that box. 

The truth is, that this Sunday we are celebrating the fact that my God overcame death. 

The truth is, that there is nothing too impossible for Him.

The truth is, He doesn’t have to have a detailed plan because at His command it will all fall into place.

The truth is, this isn’t really about Him and His abilities, but rather it’s about me, my heart, and my faith to believe that if He said He would, He will. 

And so today when I realized what I had done I had to dig deep and ask myself ‘Do you really think He can do it? Or were you just thinking He could if He did it your way?’ 

And y’all, that realization hurt me. Because at the first sign of it not going the way I thought it should I just believed that He wasn’t going to do it. 

And that is a bold faced lie straight from the pit of hell. 

That’s what the enemy wants me to believe. That not only He won’t do it, but that I never heard Him in the first place. 

Because the enemy would rather create doubt inside of my heart so that I would stop trusting God to do it and maybe take things into my own hands. 

But not this time. 

So what if He doesn’t show me the exact layout of His plan. That’s not how this relationship works. He wants me to know that He is good. And that His plans are good. And that everything He does is for my good. Whether it goes the way I want it to or it doesn’t. 

All I have to do is have faith in Him. 

He doesn’t ask me to collaborate on a plan. He doesn’t ask me for a plan B, if His doesn’t work. All He asks of me is that I have faith in Him and in who He is. 

He isn’t going to show us all the details. Because if He did that makes it easy to trust Him. If we see the details and we see the outcome, what exactly do we have to put our faith in? 

It’s trusting in the things we can’t see. Believing Him even when it looks like the odds are against us. 

It’s being willing to step off the ledge without seeing what’s underneath, but only being able to see who’s holding our hand. 

So today, I want you to join me and ask yourself ‘Do you really think He can do it? Or were you just thinking He could if He did it your way?’

Because I’m thinking He can really do it. 

He’s Got Me

You know, I have never questioned my faith. And I have never questioned my relationship with God. There are few things in this life that I am completely certain of, but those two, I know for a fact.

I know when I hear God’s voice. I know when He tells me ‘yes’ and when He tells me ‘no’. 

Of course, I don’t always instantly hear it, but for me, there’s a process. He’s been doing it since I first started listening, so when I hear Him, I hear Him. 

People don’t like that. I think it makes them uncomfortable.

And so they question it. 

‘Are you sure that’s what He’s telling you?’ ‘I mean, why would He tell you that?’ ‘That just doesn’t make any sense.’ ‘Are you sure you’re just not wanting to hear that?’

That’s the enemy. I know it. It’s eerily familiar to the story of creation, don’t you think? 

Genesis 3:1 …”Did God actually say…” 

And I’ll be honest, if I didn’t have the relationship I have with Him, I would be hesitant. I would doubt. I would wonder, ‘Am I actually hearing Him? Did He actually say that?’ 

Because that brings me to my next point. The basis for these words. 

Y’all, God does some crazy things. And they don’t always make sense. Not even a little. Definitely not a lot.

The first story that comes to mind is about another girl. A young teenage girl who was pretty much a nobody. A virgin nobody. Who was just minding her own business, engaged to her boyfriend Joseph and then BOOM. 

Imagine being her friend. Imagine hearing her story. ‘Yeah, um, so you guys, (I’m totally paraphrasing how she would talk) funny thing, but I’m actually carrying God’s child. No, I’m totally still a virgin. Oh, um, yeah, no the Holy Spirit impregnated me. Joseph? Yeah, um, well, an angel told him what happened, so I think we’re good.” 

Would you believe her? I’m not sure that I would. I know that sounds awful, but I get it, right? That’s crazy. Why in the world would God do it that way? Why would He make it so unbelievable? 

Well, I’m no expert, but I have an idea.

He calls us to trust Him. He offers no explanation. And more often than not, His way is not the way the world would do it or the way the world is even comfortable with. 

I know this, because what He has put on my heart is going to shock you. When you find out what He’s calling me to do, you’re going to call me crazy. You’re going to have opinion after opinion on why I shouldn’t have done this or why I should have done it a different way. 

It’s not going to make sense. 

And that’s okay. 

Because after a lot of thinking and a lot of praying, I realize it’s not really up to you. Just like it really isn’t up to me. 

Over the last week, He has been adamant in sharing verse after verse with me on trusting Him:

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord.” Jeremiah 17:7

“And put your trust in the Lord.” Psalm 4:5

“Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.” Psalm 37:3

I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Okay, God, I get it. Trust you. Yep, I’m there.” But that was before He shared His plan. 

Fortunately, I am firm in my faith. And I know the relationship I have with Him. And so even afterwards, I was okay with it. (Even though, I may have thrown around the word ‘crazy’ a few times.)

Now, the world will tell me that there are a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t do what He said. Why this is crazy. Why this doesn’t sound like the God they know. 

But I am not of this world, remember? 

I remember when I came home to NC to visit in September 2015. It had been years since I had seen my friends and my family. Not to mention, it had been years since I had been happy in my marriage.

The truth was I hated my life back in Houston. I struggled. I was in a loveless marriage and I knew it. I knew that my husband was cheating on me and yet, I stayed. 

But a couple days before I was to go back home, I texted my husband. Asked him if I should even come home, because I was scared. He assured me everything would be fine. 

As I said my goodbyes to my friends and family the same feeling kept coming up. No one wanted me to go back home. They begged me to stay. And to be honest, I thought about it.

I mean, I had finally gotten away. I could start my life over. I had a support system. Aside from clothes and toys, I didn’t really need to go home. 

It would have been easier to stay.

As I spent my last day with my best friend, she asked me “why are you going back there?” 

I went to the bathroom. I could feel the tears coming. And as I shut the door I asked Him why I had to go back. 

“Because I said so.” 

It was such a typical dad response, but that was all I needed to know. 

And as I explained it to her, I knew she didn’t understand, no one did. Not even myself, but what I did know was that He was telling me to go home. 

And so I did.

You already know the rest of the story. I got home and my husband walked out the next day on our 5 year wedding anniversary. 

I remember asking Him what the heck the point was. And I still haven’t really gotten an answer, but again, it’s not my place to know His plans. All I need to know is that everything that happens is a part of His plan. And He is good. 

That’s it.

And I can’t help but notice that I did trust Him. And I obeyed Him and He blessed me beyond anything that I deserved. But that’s who He is. He takes care of it. 

So now we’re here. 

He’s got another crazy plan up His sleeve (assuming He wears a shirt) and people just don’t understand it. 

But can I tell you something else? Something I’ve just realized or recognized or acknowledged, I’m not sure which one just yet.

For so long I have tried my best to fit Him inside of this box. This nice, neat, little box. It’s the only way that I can make sense of Him, most days. But the truth is, He doesn’t fit, y’all. He is so much more than a tiny, little box. And I don’t have to understand Him in order for Him to be Himself. 

I don’t. 

And when I finally took Him out of this tiny box, y’all, it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.  

Gosh, it was beautiful.

And so, I’m just gonna trust Him. 

And y’all, I mean this in the sweetest way, but honestly, I just can’t worry about what you guys think. I just can’t do it anymore.

Because it exhausts me. 

And I know that most of you mean well and that you just worry because you love me, but y’all, He’s got me. 

And really, I just need to save my energy for trusting Him, because, well, He keeps telling me to do these crazy things. 

Threat

I see how you look at me. Don’t think I don’t notice,  because I do. 

I’m a threat to you. I get it.

Because when you look at me, you see yourself.

Because you can’t quite figure it out. What did I do wrong?

Because from the outside we had it all. Just like you.

Because we appeared to be happy. ‘Was she faking the whole time?’

Because if it were that bad she would have left, right? 

Because I make you uncomfortable. 

Because it just doesn’t make sense. 

Because it just looks too familiar. 

So you keep me at a distance. 

Because you want to believe that it can’t be you. It could never be you.

Because you’re happy. And because you love eachother. And because you would never get a divorce. 

Because that only happens to people like me. 

Because it just doesn’t happen to people like you. 

At least, that’s what you tell yourself. 

And so I see how you look at me. 

Because I used to have the same look on my face too.