“Are you absolutely sure this is what we should be doing?”
I’m convinced He’s not sure. I’m convinced that I have a better plan. If we could just do it the way I want…
“Do you trust me?”
This is usually the part where I roll my eyes. I don’t know if you can tell, but we’ve done this a lot in our relationship. Next I go into a whole inner monologue on why, no, I really don’t trust, anyone.
I remind Him of all the times I’ve been betrayed. I go through the list of people who have hurt me and if I have enough time I go through each offense. You know, just to remind Him.
It’s amazing at how much I can remember, makes me wonder why I can never remember where I left my phone.
I remind Him how scared I am. How trusting Him is literally the last thing in the world that I want to do because EVERYTIME I trust someone, I get hurt.
I mean, you’re the God of everything, You HAVE to remember this, right? So, you see where I’m coming from, right?!
“Do you trust me?”
He’s on repeat now. And it’s everywhere. He is everywhere. Instantly I regret praying for all of those ‘neon signs’. Like a frustrated teenager, I just want to be left alone.
But He loves me too much so He’s everywhere.
It’s not that I enjoy the kicking and the screaming, but I am just so scared.
Your way is hard. And it’s lonely. No one understands it. It never makes sense.
How can I trust You? How can I look at what I’ve been through and trust You?
And then it hits me. Oh.
That’s how. It’s exactly those things I’ve been through. It’s coming back from rockbottom. It’s watching my husband walk out on us. It’s becoming a single mom. It’s starting over with nothing. It’s making something from nothing when everyone else told you you couldn’t. It’s packing up all your belongings in your car and realizing that the only thing left to do is to trust Him.
It’s remembering where you’ve been and where He’s gotten you. It’s knowing that He’s got bigger plans for you.
And having faith that because of that He’ll give you everything you need to get there.
Because if there is anything I know it’s that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.
“Do you trust me?” He asks one last time.
I have so many reasons not too, but so many more that say I can.
So yeah, I guess I really do.