Knowing

Because it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

That’s all I know.

When people ask me what I need, I can’t answer. Because I just don’t know.

I don’t know what’s going to make me feel better. I don’t know what’s going to stop my crying.

I just don’t know.

And I hate it. I hate not knowing. I hate just being.

I remember praying for my marriage. On my knees, I would beg Him to restore it.

I knew He could.

But I also remember being completely okay with the idea that He might not.

Because I knew, I knew in my gut, that it would be better.

Whatever ‘it’ was, I just knew it would be better.

Not this time.

I can’t see what good came from this. What good comes from losing a child.

I can’t find the silver lining.

And it makes me mad.

Because I should have been 16 weeks yesterday. That would have been good.

Because I should be thinking about spending insane amounts of money on cute cloth diapers, because have you seen them?!

Because I should be talking to my kids about ‘when the baby gets here’ instead of having to discuss why bad things happen.

Because I should be shopping for new clothes instead of grabbing the ones I packed up when my belly started to show.

Because I should be thanking Him for the life inside of me instead of wondering what I did to deserve this.

I don’t think I’ve ever been here before. It’s a feeling I don’t know.

Because I know the verses. I know the right things to say. I know all of that. And yet, none of it makes sense.

Because life isn’t stopping for anyone else. But I can’t seem to figure out how to put one foot in front of the next.

I’m just sort of here. Not sure where we’re going. Just sort of here, existing as best I can.

Scared to make people uncomfortable. But how do you say ‘hey, I’m Lauren. I was pregnant earlier this week and now I’m not.’

Because I just don’t know.

One Reply to “Knowing”

  1. Lauren I lost two unborn babies myself. I am here for you if you want to talk. Love you and praying for your peace. ❤️

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