You, again.

Because I thought I was over you. I thought that I had dealt with you. That I had taken all the power from you.

But I was wrong. Man, was I wrong.

I can still remember what it felt like to see those messages and to know in that moment that my marriage was actually over.

It hadn’t been the first time I had been cheated on. And it certainly wouldn’t be the last, but there’s just something about you.

Maybe it was the way you shook my hand when we first met. Or the way you told me I had a beautiful family.

Maybe it’s because I had what you wanted and I knew it.

Or maybe you had something I wanted.

I wonder what you’re doing. I wonder if you still help break up marriages. I wonder if you ever found what you were looking for. I wonder if it was someone else’s first.

People tell me all the time that it wasn’t your fault. That I should be angry at my ex. And I am. But I am mad at you. I am so mad at you.

And in the same breath, I am grateful for you.

I am grateful that you destroyed my family. I am grateful that you got me out of an abusive relationship. I am grateful that you made me realize just what I deserved.

But it still hurts.

And when I think about it, I’m right back there. Falling into the kitchen floor. Unable to catch my breath. Feeling all the emotions at once and not knowing what to do with any of them.

I am there on the floor calling my ex husband and trying to muster out the words asking for an explanation as he still tried to lie to me and cover it up.

And I’m mad.

Mad because it’s been long enough and you have no place here. Mad because enough is enough. Mad because you should not matter to me.

And yet, the very thought of you sends me crashing down. Unable to speak. Unable to move. Completely paralyzed.

Because you were the last thing I expected. And somehow you were exactly what I needed.

And to be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about that.

And I’m not sure, I ever will.


2 Replies to “You, again.”

  1. Lauren ,

    This is beautiful and haunting at the same time. It never would seem as though God would send someone into your life and purposely use infidelity as a way to derail your marriage. But it’s what you were able to do with all of the brokenness that God was intending. Your courage and selflessness and God’s grace has led you to this moment right here, right now. Never forget before you ever showed your children what it’s like to be in a loving relationship you showed them what it’s lkke to have a focused and intentional monther. A mother capable of doing what it takes to provide esp in times of abandonment and repeated disappointment, a mother to many are as a leader of a mission, a business and a movement. You showed them that you love them because He loves us first. And then probably when you least expected it God showed you a man that needed you as much and you needed him and with no hesitation or doubt you saw the amazing opportunity this family could be

    This woman may still haunt your past and who knows for how long. But she has no power over your future. Your daughter will grow up to be a kind loving and generous woman because of you. Your son will fall in love with a special person and treat her the proper and loving godly way he should because of you.

    Xo

    1. I’m not crying, you are. THANK YOU. This might be the sweetest thing I have ever read. Thank you for speaking truth over me. Thank you for being a Godly woman in my life. You have no idea what you just did for me. ♥️

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