Because I thought I was over you. I thought that I had dealt with you. That I had taken all the power from you.
But I was wrong. Man, was I wrong.
I can still remember what it felt like to see those messages and to know in that moment that my marriage was actually over.
It hadn’t been the first time I had been cheated on. And it certainly wouldn’t be the last, but there’s just something about you.
Maybe it was the way you shook my hand when we first met. Or the way you told me I had a beautiful family.
Maybe it’s because I had what you wanted and I knew it.
Or maybe you had something I wanted.
I wonder what you’re doing. I wonder if you still help break up marriages. I wonder if you ever found what you were looking for. I wonder if it was someone else’s first.
People tell me all the time that it wasn’t your fault. That I should be angry at my ex. And I am. But I am mad at you. I am so mad at you.
And in the same breath, I am grateful for you.
I am grateful that you destroyed my family. I am grateful that you got me out of an abusive relationship. I am grateful that you made me realize just what I deserved.
But it still hurts.
And when I think about it, I’m right back there. Falling into the kitchen floor. Unable to catch my breath. Feeling all the emotions at once and not knowing what to do with any of them.
I am there on the floor calling my ex husband and trying to muster out the words asking for an explanation as he still tried to lie to me and cover it up.
And I’m mad.
Mad because it’s been long enough and you have no place here. Mad because enough is enough. Mad because you should not matter to me.
And yet, the very thought of you sends me crashing down. Unable to speak. Unable to move. Completely paralyzed.
Because you were the last thing I expected. And somehow you were exactly what I needed.
And to be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about that.
And I’m not sure, I ever will.