No one can serve two masters, since either he will hate one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. Matthew 6:24
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve read that verse.
Let’s just say that I read it enough where I thought I understood it enough to just glance at it when it would come up.
Except that’s just one of the amazing things about God’s word. It’s never the same each time we read it.
We can read the same verse over and over and somehow, we still have this amazing gift to take something different from it each time.
This is why His word never fails.
So, yeah, okay, can’t serve God and money, got it.
Except that I didn’t. I don’t.
I have this amazing ability to turn anything into a little God.
From my family to my job to my prayers.
I can even turn my coffee into a little God every morning if I’m not careful.
So as I read this verse again, I replaced ‘money’ with all those other things, but something still wasn’t right.
And then it hit me.
You cannot serve both God and yourself.
It hit me straight in the gut and took my breath away.
It was never my intention to compete with God. But that’s exactly what I had been doing.
It was never any of those other things.
It was me.
It was thinking I knew better than He did.
It was thinking I was more resourceful than He was.
It was thinking that I was exactly where I was in life because of what I did to get there.
Because I don’t know about you, but every time I have tried to do something on my own either one of two things happen: 1. I fall on my face. 2. I make a bigger mess than necessary.
Oh, and there is one more thing: I always come back to Him.
Have I truly been a disciple of Christ? I can’t help but wonder.
Oh man, do I love Him. I love Him so much it hurts.
But do I love myself more?
What a conviction it is to ask yourself that very question.
I was hoping to finish this blog and shout from my bed that I loved Him the most.
But as I sit here, comforted by this hot cup of coffee, I’m not sure I can say that with an honest heart.
So instead, I’m quietly asking the Holy Spirit to come into this broken heart and to make some changes.
Reluctantly, I am asking the Holy Spirit to come into my broken heart.
Because this is terrifying.
Dying to one’s self?
Choosing to trust in something you can’t even see?
Laying down all the things that bring me satisfaction and joy?
I wish I could say it was easier, but it’s not. And I can feel myself clinging on to those fleeting things.
Because for so long, even when I wasn’t acknowledging it, for so long it was up to me. At least, that’s how I looked at it.
That’s what we’re conditioned to do, right?
We grow up with the idea that if we want something we have to work for it.
That our best choices have gotten us to where we are.
And that if we aren’t happy with something we have the power to change it.
But what if that goes against everything that He is?
What if by believing those things we are giving ourselves too much credit and taking away from what He has done for us?
I hope you weren’t expecting an answer.
Because I’m drawing a blank.
And maybe this is His lesson. The thing that’s happening right now. The not knowing.
Maybe this is Him proving a point. Making His case.
Maybe, He brings us into the familiar just to show us how unfamiliar it actually is.
And how much, despite what we may think, we actually need Him.