Lost

Since when did it become so hard to pray? 

I am lost, y’all. Completely lost. 

So without getting into a lot of detail I will tell you that something happened. I did something and it changed everything. 

I am being hard on myself. Too hard according to some. And not hard enough according to others. 

And on one hand I know He’s here. He’s been here the whole time. 

And on the other, I wish He wasn’t. 

But I just don’t know how to talk to Him right now. 

And it isn’t Him. It’s me. 

It’s all me. 

And here’s the thing. I know what will help. I know what will take this burden from me. I know all of that. 

And I’ve been reminded of just that from many of you, but it isn’t that easy. 

Because part of me thinks He shouldn’t. Part of me wishes He would be angry. 

Because I know what I would do. 

But that’s not Him. 

For anyone reading this who might not know Him. For anyone who might think He’s mean or angry or full of wrath. 

He isn’t. 

‘But this world is so awful and horrible…’

Yeah, I know. But that’s not Him. He’s not responsible for that. We are. 

The brokenness. The evil. The injustice. That’s us. Not Him. 

But I still can’t talk to Him. 

Maybe it’s pride. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s because I don’t think I deserve grace, forgiveness, love. 

I just can’t. 

Because I wouldn’t even know where to begin. 

And the person I ask for help when I’m scared, well, you see what’s happening. 

And I know that He already knows. I know that He already knows what I can’t say yet, but still, here I am. 

Silent. 

Desperate to be heard, but too scared to say a word. 

So, it looks like I’ll have to be lost a little while longer. 

At least, I know I’m not alone. 

One thought on “Lost

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