Because I shared this blog with another friend of mine. It didn’t apply to me because at the time I was convinced that I had found the man of my dreams.
He was everything that I could have ever wanted and I believed that I was finally done looking.
My kids loved him. I loved him. And he fit in with our family.
Finally, this season of loneliness was over.
Except that it wasn’t.
Long story short, but ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t typically work out when you find out he has another girlfriend.
So I’ve moved on.
Learning to be comfortable with just myself.
Learning to not take a single moment for granted.
But y’all, I am lonely.
Oh, I’ve heard it all before. I’ve even offered the same advice to my friends.
But, I’d be lying if I pretended like it was easy. Like this was easy. Because it isn’t. Not even close.
Because I’m lonely.
“She was continuously rejected.
She couldn’t understand why.
No one ever stuck around.
Always pointing the finger at herself.
But all along God was hiding her.
From harm seen & unseen.
For He knew her worth when she didn’t.
Too precious was she for any ol’ body.
Especially a somebody who’d dim her light.
Especially a somebody who’d take her away from her purpose.
So He made them dodge her because He was saving her for His very best.
The realest love she’d ever lay eyes on, sweet him.
& it’d be worth being hidden.
He’s hiding you.”
And when I read that I think ‘how sweet’, but then I also think ‘okay, enough.’
‘Do you hear me?! Enough!’
Because this season is confusing. And it’s hard. And while I don’t want to sit here and whine, I’m over it.
Because I just want someone.
I want someone to share things with.
To lay on the couch with.
To do nothing with.
I want someone who I know will be excited to hear my good news.
Someone who will understand the bad news.
Someone who won’t expect me to talk at all, but will just be still with me.
And maybe there are some of you reading this thinking ‘give it time, it will happen.’ And trust me, I’ve said the exact same thing, and maybe my perception of time and His is different (note the sarcasm), but I’ve been lonely for a long time (insert dramatic exasperated sigh and eye roll).
In fact, I would say that I was lonely my entire marriage. But I had become content. Because at least I had someone. And even if I couldn’t have the conversations I so desperately wanted to have, I could argue. I could have some sort of interaction.
And then maybe there are some of you who would offer the same advice I have.
That I will always be lonely until He is enough for me. Even if I had someone.
And I get it. I do. But I struggle.
Man, do I struggle.
I struggle a lot with this idea.
Because I need something. Someone. I need substance.
I need, Jesus with skin on.
Because I’m tired of quiet time. I’m tired of reflecting. I’m tired of talking to myself.
Because I never wanted to be here.
Because I’m tired of going to the grocery store and seeing all the happy couples.
Because then I remember that ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and suddenly I can see the enemy’s tactics.
And I realize that as long as I am busy focusing on the things I don’t have, I will never focus on the things I do have.
And I know that I have a lot. I know that my life is good. It might not look like the way I think it should, but I know it’s good because He is good.
Because as long as the enemy can remind me of what I don’t have he can change my perspective of who He is.
Because he can convince me to settle. To come out of hiding. To just want anything. To deal with anything. Even if it isn’t good. Even if it isn’t really what I want.
Because deep down I know what I deserve. And after my marriage ended I decided that I wasn’t going to settle ever again.
That this time, I would do it His way.
So maybe it is a good thing He’s hiding me.