You know, I have never questioned my faith. And I have never questioned my relationship with God. There are few things in this life that I am completely certain of, but those two, I know for a fact.
I know when I hear God’s voice. I know when He tells me ‘yes’ and when He tells me ‘no’.
Of course, I don’t always instantly hear it, but for me, there’s a process. He’s been doing it since I first started listening, so when I hear Him, I hear Him.
People don’t like that. I think it makes them uncomfortable.
And so they question it.
‘Are you sure that’s what He’s telling you?’ ‘I mean, why would He tell you that?’ ‘That just doesn’t make any sense.’ ‘Are you sure you’re just not wanting to hear that?’
That’s the enemy. I know it. It’s eerily familiar to the story of creation, don’t you think?
Genesis 3:1 …”Did God actually say…”
And I’ll be honest, if I didn’t have the relationship I have with Him, I would be hesitant. I would doubt. I would wonder, ‘Am I actually hearing Him? Did He actually say that?’
Because that brings me to my next point. The basis for these words.
Y’all, God does some crazy things. And they don’t always make sense. Not even a little. Definitely not a lot.
The first story that comes to mind is about another girl. A young teenage girl who was pretty much a nobody. A virgin nobody. Who was just minding her own business, engaged to her boyfriend Joseph and then BOOM.
Imagine being her friend. Imagine hearing her story. ‘Yeah, um, so you guys, (I’m totally paraphrasing how she would talk) funny thing, but I’m actually carrying God’s child. No, I’m totally still a virgin. Oh, um, yeah, no the Holy Spirit impregnated me. Joseph? Yeah, um, well, an angel told him what happened, so I think we’re good.”
Would you believe her? I’m not sure that I would. I know that sounds awful, but I get it, right? That’s crazy. Why in the world would God do it that way? Why would He make it so unbelievable?
Well, I’m no expert, but I have an idea.
He calls us to trust Him. He offers no explanation. And more often than not, His way is not the way the world would do it or the way the world is even comfortable with.
I know this, because what He has put on my heart is going to shock you. When you find out what He’s calling me to do, you’re going to call me crazy. You’re going to have opinion after opinion on why I shouldn’t have done this or why I should have done it a different way.
It’s not going to make sense.
And that’s okay.
Because after a lot of thinking and a lot of praying, I realize it’s not really up to you. Just like it really isn’t up to me.
Over the last week, He has been adamant in sharing verse after verse with me on trusting Him:
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord.” Jeremiah 17:7
“And put your trust in the Lord.” Psalm 4:5
“Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.” Psalm 37:3
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Okay, God, I get it. Trust you. Yep, I’m there.” But that was before He shared His plan.
Fortunately, I am firm in my faith. And I know the relationship I have with Him. And so even afterwards, I was okay with it. (Even though, I may have thrown around the word ‘crazy’ a few times.)
Now, the world will tell me that there are a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t do what He said. Why this is crazy. Why this doesn’t sound like the God they know.
I remember when I came home to NC to visit in September 2015. It had been years since I had seen my friends and my family. Not to mention, it had been years since I had been happy in my marriage.
The truth was I hated my life back in Houston. I struggled. I was in a loveless marriage and I knew it. I knew that my husband was cheating on me and yet, I stayed.
But a couple days before I was to go back home, I texted my husband. Asked him if I should even come home, because I was scared. He assured me everything would be fine.
As I said my goodbyes to my friends and family the same feeling kept coming up. No one wanted me to go back home. They begged me to stay. And to be honest, I thought about it.
I mean, I had finally gotten away. I could start my life over. I had a support system. Aside from clothes and toys, I didn’t really need to go home.
It would have been easier to stay.
As I spent my last day with my best friend, she asked me “why are you going back there?”
I went to the bathroom. I could feel the tears coming. And as I shut the door I asked Him why I had to go back.
“Because I said so.”
It was such a typical dad response, but that was all I needed to know.
And as I explained it to her, I knew she didn’t understand, no one did. Not even myself, but what I did know was that He was telling me to go home.
And so I did.
You already know the rest of the story. I got home and my husband walked out the next day on our 5 year wedding anniversary.
I remember asking Him what the heck the point was. And I still haven’t really gotten an answer, but again, it’s not my place to know His plans. All I need to know is that everything that happens is a part of His plan. And He is good.
And I can’t help but notice that I did trust Him. And I obeyed Him and He blessed me beyond anything that I deserved. But that’s who He is. He takes care of it.
So now we’re here.
He’s got another crazy plan up His sleeve (assuming He wears a shirt) and people just don’t understand it.
But can I tell you something else? Something I’ve just realized or recognized or acknowledged, I’m not sure which one just yet.
For so long I have tried my best to fit Him inside of this box. This nice, neat, little box. It’s the only way that I can make sense of Him, most days. But the truth is, He doesn’t fit, y’all. He is so much more than a tiny, little box. And I don’t have to understand Him in order for Him to be Himself.
And when I finally took Him out of this tiny box, y’all, it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Gosh, it was beautiful.
And so, I’m just gonna trust Him.
And y’all, I mean this in the sweetest way, but honestly, I just can’t worry about what you guys think. I just can’t do it anymore.
Because it exhausts me.
And I know that most of you mean well and that you just worry because you love me, but y’all, He’s got me.