‘In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it’” (Isaiah 30:15).
It’s like He knew what I needed to hear today.
Like He knew what would ‘click’. What I was looking for. What would help me make sense in my life right here.
And here it is, in Isaiah.
I cannot tell you how many times I try to be strong and to ‘deal’ with it. Whatever ‘it’ may be. From finances to finding life’s balance. I feel like I’ve even put more pressure on myself since my husband left determined to prove to myself, to him, to friends, to family, and to social media, that I’ve got this. Not only do I have this, but I’m going to be the best ex wife that’s ever been walked out on and expected to start back over from the bottom up, that you’ve ever seen.
And so here I am. Oh, I’m doing it. I’m slowly getting back on my feet. Slowly creating the life I want, but I’m exhausted most days.
Actually, I’ve been exhausted for weeks.
I had a thought this morning as I walked to the kitchen to make my first cup of coffee. As I looked around, I saw that the house needed to be cleaned. Suddenly, I was annoyed. Annoyed because it would be up to me to clean the house. Annoyed because I would have to fold the laundry. Annoyed because I would have to vacuum. Annoyed because I would have to dust. Annoyed because I would have to put the dishes away. Annoyed because it would be up to me. All of it.
Now, don’t get me wrong. My ex never helped out. And yes, it is even less cleaning than before because I don’t have to clean up after him. But I’m exhausted. Not just from cleaning, but from doing it all. I’m worn out. I’m desperate for a break.
But I’ve got the wrong idea.
I’m so busy trying to keep my head above water with bills, life, being a single mom, career, that I don’t take the time to trust Him to provide all of those things.
And it’s not like I would ever get to a point where I don’t have to think about these things. Where I could rest after the fact, because the bills happen every month. Life happens every day. I’m always going to be a single mom. My job never stops.
I’m not sure why I believed that there was a finish line, there isn’t. I’ve been sprinting for nothing. Because just when I think I’ve gotten to a place where I can catch my breath, it starts all over again.
The truth is that my rest is in Him. My strength is in Him. Nothing else. Especially, nothing that I can do on my own.
Does that reassure anyone else? Because let me tell you something. I am exhausted. And I wake up every single morning unsure of how I’m going to get through the day. I am taunted by the fact that this is what my life looks like. And is what it’s going to look like for sometime.
Confession: somedays I’m so exhausted that I miss the days when I had no car, no responsibilities. No life, really.
But then I’m reminded that it had nothing to do with laying around and doing nothing because even then I was responsible for the cleaning and the kids. I still had to pay bills and figure out the finances. I was still trying to keep my head above the water. I was pretty much doing the same thing as I am now, except that then, I truly relied on Him to get me through it.
I trusted Him and not myself.
And after this week’s reading, I need to get back to that. Because I can’t keep doing things my way. But just like Israel I am like a wild donkey going off on my own.
And let’s be real, I can’t survive on my own. Not even close. I need Him.
I need Him more than ever.
Because I’m exhausted.
Lord, thank you for taking the time out to talk just to me. Thank you for being my rest. Thank you for being my strength. Lord, I pray that when I start to wander off on my own, that you bring me back to you. And Lord, when I get exhausted, because I will, because I will try to do it on my own. Because I am broken. Lord, let my exhaustion be a reminder to sit and rest in you. Always. In your name, Amen.