Have you guys seen the movie ‘How to be Single’? I’m not much of a movie person, but Rebel Wilson is in it and well, I think she’s pretty hilarious. So I watched it.
And then I had friends come over throughout the week and guess what they wanted to watch.
And so I watched it again. And again. And again. Five times to be exact.
I don’t want to give anything away because it is a cute movie and you should totally watch it sometime, but basically the main character comes to the understanding that being single isn’t a bad thing. Actually, it can be the best thing.
And it was at that moment, that I realized He was talking to me again.
Being single is an amazing gift when you think about it. Now, I don’t want to say that marriage and dating are not gifts, because I don’t believe that’s true. If there is anything you can take from this post it’s that all seasons are gifts, but right now I want to talk about being single.
For 10 years I was a girlfriend, a fiancé, a wife, a mom. Somewhere along the way I had lost my own identity. I was too busy being what everyone else needed that I neglected to take care of my own needs.
When my ex walked out on me over a year ago, I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to exist without those titles.
I needed someone to define me because I had no idea how to define myself.
And so I wished and prayed my singleness away. Everyday. Every single day.
I hated being alone.
I remember going to the grocery store and convincing myself that people could tell that my husband had walked out on me. I could see the looks of pity in their eyes. I felt it made people not want me even more.
And so I continued to pray to find a man. Well, not just any man, but the man.
As I mentioned in a previous post, being told ‘no’ is not something I enjoy, but that was the answer. The only man that I actually felt something with, the only man I could have seen myself spending the rest of my life with, moved to Texas (ironic, huh?) and got married.
And here I am, still alone.
I’m not going to lie, it hurt to see the facebook posts. To see her face in the pictures beside him. I didn’t understand God’s reasoning and quickly resorted to my ‘it’s not fair’ attitude.
But if there’s one thing that I can be sure of, it’s that He’s got it all figured out. And it’s usually better than anything I could ever imagine.
Earlier this week, I finished reading this book, ‘Crave’ by Lysa TeurKerst. I don’t know why I picked it up at the store. I don’t struggle with food issues really. (The book is about craving food more than you crave God). But I do enjoy her as an author and it was on sale, so I grabbed it.
Y’all. Replace the word ‘food’ with ‘men’ and this book was written just for me.
As I flipped through the pages I knew why I grabbed the book. He made me. This was Him talking right to me. Exposing my sin of craving men more than I crave Him.
The thing that I have struggled most with during this season of singleness is going against what I want. What my flesh wants. Being told ‘no’. And knowing that if I choose God’s will over mine it’s going to hurt. Anyone else ever feel like that?
Let’s be honest, His will sometimes sucks. Not the end result. Or the being obedient. But the process. I feel confident in saying this because I’m sure Jesus felt the same way on the night He was betrayed. He knew what was going to happen and as amazing as the end result was, it didn’t mean that it didn’t suck for Him getting there.
Another example, my ex husband walking out on me. Yes, my life is a thousand times better since he left. Yes, I am grateful for every minute since then. But, do those things make the pain from my ex walking out any less? No. Those wounds still hurt. They’re still fresh. And had I been given the choice, I would have preferred to do this a completely different way, but He was already here. He knew that if I would just rely on Him, I’d get through it.
And I did.
So while I know doing things His way is going to end up being better than I can ever imagine, it’s still hard because I don’t want to hurt anymore. I’m definitely tired of crying. And I can’t help but think ‘can I catch a break?’.
But I guess when you pray the prayer ‘Lord, give me the knowledge of your will and the strength to carry it out’, He listens. Some could even say I did this to myself.
And in those moments where I just want to pretend like He’s the bad guy, I can’t. Diving into my bible, I look for all the times He was mean to prove my point, but I can’t. What I can find is love. And love isn’t always about getting your way or not being told ‘no’. Unconditional love is thinking about what’s best for the other person.
So as I finished watching the movie for the fifth time, I couldn’t help but take away a message that I believe was directly from Him.
This singleness, this isn’t a punishment, this is a gift. Because you never know when it’s going to be gone. You never know when you’re going to meet someone. This season of my life is meant for me. To learn what I want. What I like. What I don’t. To dig deep and find out exactly who I am. To do things I never thought I could do. To be someone I never thought I could be. And to fully rely on Him when it gets tough.
So I’m not going to keep complaining about this season. Instead, I’m going to ask you to join me in prayer so that I never take a single minute of my singleness for granted.
Because you never know. The guy of my dreams could be reading this right now.