Burned

Oh man, this has been a tough week. 

I don’t know about you, but I’m not a huge fan of being told ‘no’. But if I’ve learned anything over this last week it’s that being told ‘no’ by Him can sometimes be the best thing for us.

But, if I can be honest, no matter how many times I get it, I still don’t take the answer willingly. 

I can be pretty stubborn. 

So, where to start? For so long I have wanted a boyfriend. Someone to do life with. Go ahead, ask me what I’m looking for? I have filled out enough online dating profiles that I can just rattle it off. 

I’m looking for my best friend. Someone to hold hands with. Someone to lay on the couch with and do nothing. Someone who isn’t threatened by me. Someone who encourages me to do better than the day before. I am looking for someone who fits in with me and the kids. Someone who will look at me the same way in 50 years as he did the first time he met me. I am looking for someone who isn’t intimidated by me. Someone who will bring me flowers even if he thinks it’s a waste of money. Someone who will love God more than he could ever love me. Someone to pray with. To pray for. Someone that I can finally let my guard down. I am looking for the person who God made just for me.

Oh, how I want that. How I have prayed to meet him. How I have looked everywhere to find him. 

But he’s not there.

And I’m still stubborn.

This past week, though, He was clear. Boyfriend would have to wait. Because I’m not ready for a boyfriend. Because what’s really missing, isn’t a boyfriend. It’s a deeper relationship with Him.

I touched on this a couple of weeks ago, but I think it deserves to be brought up again. You see, something has always been missing in my life. Always. And I look to the wrong things to fill me up and complete me. To be the missing piece. You know what I mean, right? If I lost 50lbs, I’d be happy. If I worked my dream job, I’d be happy. If I made this much money, I’d be happy. 

If I had a boyfriend, I’d be happy.

But you wanna know something? I did lose 50lbs. I do have a dream job. And I make more money than I ever thought I would. 

And something is still missing.

I thought it was a boyfriend, but then I realized nope. That was wrong. I need Him. I need to crave Him.

But, I’m still stubborn.

So, instead of throwing in the towel and deciding right then and there that I would do what He wanted, I kept looking.

Okay, y’all, I’m about to get really raw with you. I’m about to admit things to you, that are embarrassing. That make me ashamed. But this isn’t my story, it’s His.

First, let’s start with Tinder. For those of you who are not familiar, Tinder is an online dating app. It’s got a bad reputation for being an app primarily for hookups, but I didn’t use it for that. I love the idea of Tinder. I see what you look like, if I like what I see, I swipe right. If I don’t, I swipe left. And unless we both swipe right, there is no interaction. It’s a brilliant idea. Cuts out a lot of wasted time. 

I have met a few people off of Tinder. Some really nice guys. But nothing ever happened. We were never on the same page. But I was addicted to Tinder. Like, I couldn’t get enough of swiping left and right. Frequently, I would run out of people to swipe, thanks to living in a small town. 

I swiped all of the time. I loved it. And then last week, it broke. 

Coincidentally, right after me and Him had a pretty long heart to heart about being single. Now, if that’s not divine intervention, I don’t know what is. 

So Tinder broke and just like an addict I started feigning for it. I missed the rush. The attention. 

But because I’m still stubborn, I didn’t give up that easily. Nope, I’m a go-getter, remember?

So what do you do when you’re addicted to online dating apps and your favorite drug of choice is no longer available due to a worldwide outage. (See, told you, I couldn’t make this stuff up.)

The answer? Download another app. 

And so I did. Plenty of Fish. I created a username and password. Filled out a profile. Added some of my best selfies. And went live.

I had been on the app for just 2 hours before I went to bed. When I woke up I had 173 new messages. I couldn’t believe it. And in the back of my mind I was thinking ‘ha, looks like I didn’t even need Tinder’. 

Y’all. It was bad. The messages were bad. The things these men were saying to me. The way they made me feel. I didn’t want this attention. I didn’t want to be treated like this. I won’t get into details, but I will tell you that the highlight of this app was when a married couple asked me to be their girlfriend. 

I began to cry. Here I thought this was what I wanted. The attention. Men wanting me. Surely, out of 173 messages one would stand out. One would be what I was looking for, and one did. 

Him.

There He was in the midst of it. Patiently waiting for me to come back to Him. 

And y’all better believe I ran right to Him. 

I was in shock. I couldn’t believe the things these men were saying to me. The things these men were sending me. It was at that moment that I remembered I am the daughter of a King. No wait, I am the daughter of THE King. 

So I deleted the profile. The apps. All of it. I knew that I deserved better. And I knew that He would give me better, eventually. When I was ready. But in the meantime, this season of singleness was never meant to be a punishment. It was never meant to hurt me. This season of singleness was for my protection. But just like the child who knows they shouldn’t touch the stove, “It’s hot” their parent says, but who still has to touch it just to see for themselves, that was me. 

I touched the stove and it burned. Just like He said it would.

But the thing about good parents is when you do get burned, even if it’s because you don’t listen to their words of advice, they still love you and they still scoop you up and hold you close and let you know that everything is going to be okay. 

So this is where it starts. This is where I begin to crave Him the most. Sure, a boyfriend would be nice and who knows, maybe it will happen sooner than I think, but if it doesn’t, if it’s just the two of us, I’m okay with that. 

Because at least here, I’m safe. And I’m loved. 

And I have a feeling this is going to be the best relationship of my life. 

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