Something is missing, y’all.
The thing is I have an idea of what, but I’m not sure how to get it.
Not sure where to find it.
Because I’ve looked. But I just keep looking in all the wrong places.
I remember when I wasn’t pretty. (Before you say anything, let’s just agree to disagree). I wasn’t. I didn’t feel pretty. Guys didn’t notice me. And I remembered thinking that ‘if I was prettier, I’d be happy.’
That’s where it all started.
‘If I had this job, I’d be happy.’
‘If I had these friends, I’d be happy.’
‘If I lived here, I’d be happy.’
‘If I had this phone, I’d be happy.’
‘If I had these clothes, I’d be happy.’
‘If my life looked like this, I’d be happy.’
And y’all want to know something?
It does and I do, but I’m not.
I have the clothes. The friends. The apartment. The phone. I haven’t felt prettier. I can honestly say that I have checked off all the boxes for the way I want my life to look like, and yet, something is missing.
Now, let me clear one thing up. I am happy. I am beyond grateful for all of these things. I am proud of the life I have created. But I can’t deny that something is missing.
I’m a doer. I like to check things off of my to-do list, daily. It’s what I do. It’s how I stay organized. It’s what makes me feel like I’ve got it somewhat together. But these last couple of months, I haven’t.
I’m a mess.
And I’ve tried to maintain the to-do list on the days that I can even find it, but instead of making me feel like I’ve got it together, I feel like a mess. Like someone who can’t get it together. Not even for a minute.
But because I am who I am, I continue to add to the list.
Pray to Him.
Read about Him.
Talk to Him.
Talk about Him.
I make sure I have my ‘Christ Following’ down. I dot my ‘I’s’ and cross my ‘T’s’, but something is still missing.
I don’t know how else to do it. I want the Jesus that everyone else seems to know. The one who is always near. The one who makes them not feel alone.
Because, I don’t have that. I feel alone, constantly. I need those conversations, and not the ones where I am yelling at Him, taking out my anger and frustration on Him, but the ones where someone asks me about my day. Or the ones where I share something funny that happened.
As a friend of mine put it, I need Jesus with skin on.
I have prayed for patience and guidance and wisdom and pretty much anything you could think of to help me through this season, but it still sucks.
It hasn’t let up.
But there I am again, ‘If I…then I…’ how do I get out of that mindset?! How can I learn to just live in this moment. This exact moment. The one where I am laying in bed typing this on my phone because He has put it on my heart that I am not the only one who does this.
Because He has put it on my heart that this is just what we do.
Because this is what it means to live in a world of brokenness.
So what do we do? How do we change the cycle. The habits. The desires.
How do we make Him the center of it?
And not just a check off our to-do list, but actually living and breathing his existence while doing life here?
Because I think this is what’s exhausting me. And I’m ready to rest.