It’s not that I try to make the same mistakes over and over, but I am broken. Boy, am I broken.
But I do. I make the same mistakes. Again and again. And I feel guilty. And I ask for forgiveness. And then I do it again. And again.
When I listen to the enemy I can feel ashamed. I can question God’s love for me.
How could He love someone like me? Someone who is constantly failing. Someone who is always falling short.
How many times can He forgive me?
Forgiveness is a tough subject for me. I have forgiven, but I’m not sure that I have forgotten, which makes me wonder, is it actually forgiveness if I still remember the debt?
I remember when I found out that my ex husband had been cheating on me. There was no devastation like it. It changed everything for me. It broke me.
And so I did what I could. I forgave him. Well, I thought I did, but I couldn’t help but think about it all the time. When he was running late, I immediately convinced myself he was probably cheating again. When he didn’t answer the phone, I convinced myself it was because he was with her.
It was always in the back of my mind. Always making me second guess myself and my choice to ‘forgive’.
So then I think about Him. I think about how I am always asking for forgiveness only to turn around at some later point in my life and do it again. Not intentionally, but I’ve noticed we have the same conversations a lot.
Like a lot, a lot.
So how is it possible that He can constantly forgive me for my shortcomings?
And then the enemy is there to suggest that He can’t. That He is mad and that I am never going to live up to the expectations He has set for me.
He lies to me and says that enough is enough. And this was the final straw.
But, this chapter in Hosea suggests the complete opposite, doesn’t it?
While I can’t speak for God, I can’t help but think that He probably does get disappointed when we make the same mistakes again and again. But like any parent, it doesn’t make us love our children any less.
I may be 32 years old, but I can’t help but think that I am just like a 3 year old child in His eyes. I may know better, but I still push the boundaries and I am still learning.
And He loves me just as much as He always has.
Nothing will change that.
Thank goodness, nothing will change that.
And while I keep thinking of what Paul said in Romans 6:1-14,
What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? 2 By no means! How can nwe who died to sin still live in it? 3 Do you not know that all of us owho have been baptized pinto Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4 We were qburied therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as rChrist was raised from the dead by sthe glory of the Father, we too might walk in tnewness of life.
5 For uif we have been united with him in va death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. 6 We know that wour old self1 xwas crucified with him in order that ythe body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. 7 For zone who has died ahas been set free2 from sin. 8 Now bif we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9 We know that cChrist, being raised from the dead, will never die again; ddeath no longer has dominion over him. 10 For the death he died he died to sin, eonce for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. 11 So you also must consider yourselves fdead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.
12 Let not gsin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. 13 hDo not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but ipresent yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. 14 For jsin kwill have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.
I am not suggesting that we just keep making those bad choices just because we think we can, I’m merely suggesting that His love, His grace, and His mercy has nothing to do with whether or not we deserve any of it. He just does it because that’s who He is.
And when the enemy is trying to tell you differently, you should remember that.
Because just as Hosea redeemed Gomer, God is always in the process of redeeming us. Always willing to buy us back. To pay our debt. And to love us in spite of our brokenness.
Why else would He have sent His only son to die for our sins?