This week’s reading: Hosea 2:1-13, Ezekiel 21:1-7
I don’t know about you guys, but I wasn’t a huge fan of this week’s reading.
It hurt. It made me uncomfortable, but only because it was so true.
Hosea 2:6-7 Therefore, this is what I will do: I will block her way with thorns; I will enclose her with a wall, so that she cannot find her paths. She will pursue her lovers but not catch them; she will seek them but not find them. Then she will think, “I will go back to my former husband, did then it was better for me than now.”
I have personally felt my way blocked with thorns. I have felt trapped. Ever since my husband left I have pursued lovers, but, well, I’m still single.
I have looked for reason and validation in everything, but Him.
From work, to kids, to family, to friends, you name it.
I have wandered off over and over and over again. Leaving because I convince myself that there is something better. I just have to find it.
But there’s not. No matter how many times I wander off, there’s never anything better. If anything, I crawl back to Him. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Afraid. And broken.
This last time was hard. There I was. I had hit rock bottom again.
In a weird way, that’s the best place for me. At least there, I completely depend on Him.
But I hit rock bottom and I found myself more ashamed than ever. I hated myself for what I had done. I hated that I knew, if I wanted it, He would forgive me.
I hated that I had disappointed Him. Again.
So as I read those verses once more, kidding, more like over and over again. Instead of feeling shame and guilt, like I did earlier this week. I am grateful.
I am grateful because that’s what it’s going to take. Thorns, walls, hidden paths.
And it might not be what I want on that day. Or that week. Or even that month. And it will probably hurt again. And it will probably put me in a funk, again. And it will probably suck, a lot. And I will probably spend hours on the phone with my friends talking about all the crap that’s going on in my life and how I just don’t get it.
But knowing that He is always pursuing me, no matter what I do. Knowing that He loves me in a way I could never understand completely. Knowing that He is always ready to forgive.
Well, it makes the thorns and the walls bearable.
And it makes me grateful.
Oh! And if you’re those friends, and you know who you are, remind me of what I just said. Remind me that I don’t have to look because it’s already here.
And He isn’t going anywhere.
Lord, thank you for never giving up on us. For never giving up on me. Even when I expected you to. Even when I would have. Thank you for always knowing better. For blocking my ways. For not always doing what I ask, but rather doing what’s best for me. Lord, this week help me to seek your will over mine. Lord help me to pray for the knowledge of your will and the strength to carry it out. I ask these things in your name. Amen.