This past weekend was rough. I was in a funk, but I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I just cried and cried and cried some more y’all.
People would ask me what was wrong, I could come up with nothing. Well, until I talked it through with my Al Anon Sponsor.
Before I even made the decision to call her, I knew she would know. She’s the only person that really gets me. So I called. And we talked.
And she totally got me.
But let’s back up for a minute.
Remember last week when I made the announcement about leading my own bible study? Yeah, God was pretty adamant about that happening. He had laid it on my heart for while, but I have to admit, I don’t always listen, as least, not right away.
But I listened this time.
So bible study it was. And then I prayed about what to study. I have some favorite books in the Bible. A few I even felt comfortable about leading, but He decided that Hosea would be what I was going to lead and study.
I couldn’t understand. Hosea?! Of all the books in the Bible, He picked Hosea.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Hosea. I love the story of Gomer. I have often felt like Gomer. But to lead a bible study on Hosea? I wasn’t sure God knew what He was doing, but who am I to argue?
So I picked Hosea. Well, we picked Hosea.
Now, we can keep going.
Where were we? Oh yeah, crying and crying all weekend.
So I’m talking to my sponsor and in Al Anon we have these tools. One of my favorites that I always forget to use on my own is called HALT.
When we are upset or sad or whatever we should HALT and ask ourselves are we:
As I talked through the choices, there it was.
No, I wasn’t hungry. I had been stuffing my face all weekend with food from the birthday party. Was I angry? A little, but that wasn’t it. I wasn’t tired either. I had taken the weekend off and enjoyed sleeping in and lounging around for the most part.
But boy was I lonely.
The more I talked about it, the more I had to admit just how lonely I actually was.
And for those of you who know me personally, you wouldn’t imagine I was lonely. I am always with people, it seems. I have friends. I have a social life, well, kind of, if you count play dates.
Heck, my job is all about building relationships.
And if you know me, you know I love my alone time. My time to just be and not be anything really. My time to sit in sweats and a tank top and not have to pretend or impress or even smile if I don’t want to.
But as I listened to myself talk, I realized I am probably one of the loneliest people I know.
So what is it that I want? What is it that’s missing from my life?
And being a single mother has proven hard to build such relationships. I don’t have time for relationships and if I do make time it’s for all the wrong people.
I want it all. I want the perfect relationship. Don’t get that confused with the perfect man. I know that doesn’t exist, but I want something more than what I’ve been getting.
And so I’ve been seeking relationships in everything else. Relationships with money, my job, men, friends, you name it. But nothing is what I need it to be.
Hence, the loneliness.
So, as I continue to talk this all out, I realize He also is looking for a relationship. And I realize, I haven’t exactly been looking for Him.
I thought we had a pretty good relationship as it was, but He wants more.
Selfishly, He wants it all.
And then it hits me. Hosea. Now I get it. Now I realize why He chose that book.
He is pursuing a relationship with me.
And as I wrote earlier, it isn’t always pretty. Because while I love being pursued. I can’t help but admit that I wish He were flesh. I wish I could touch Him. See Him.
Because there are times when I just want to have a conversation. Or make dinner for someone. Preferably someone who will eat what I cook, too. Because I want to hold hands. Because I want to drink coffee with someone.
But either way, He’s pursuing me. Knowing who He is, I feel confident in saying that this probably will be the best relationship I’ve ever had, even if it doesn’t look the way I think I want it too, but it still doesn’t make it easy.
But like I said,
“He doesn’t care if you’re sobbing. Or kicking. Or dragging your feet.
He doesn’t care how long you’ve been away. Or how far away you were.
And when you can stop crying long enough to see Him, you realize just how much you wanted Him to come and get you.
How much you wanted to be pursued.”