Oh, Facebook. You and your memories.
Today, you reminded me that 6 years ago it was ‘one month till I was a Mrs.’ Now I look at the calendar and remind myself that it’s one month until I celebrate a year that my husband left me.
Because you see, I am no longer sad, not most days, anyways. It still hurts sometimes. Sometimes I still wonder why it had to happen, but as I sat there and read that reminder I realized I just had no idea.
I had no idea how good life could be. I thought that by marrying my husband, that was it. That was as good as life could be. What I didn’t realize is that I was settling.
Oh gracious, was I settling.
I was also giving up responsibility. I had decided that by marrying my husband that it was suddenly his responsibility to make me happy.
Only his responsibility.
What I didn’t know is that I would be the only one who could do that.
Now I know.
I also know that I wasn’t being fair to my husband. I set him up for failure.
I set us up for failure.
But I’m done being upset about it. It happened. It was never just one of us either. So before you take sides, know that I was just as guilty as he was.
So now, I’m just sitting here. It’s a quiet Saturday morning. I’ve got a hot cup of coffee and a good book to keep me company while the kids sleep and Facebook does a good job of reminding me of the life I used to live.
I reflected back for a minute on a what a Saturday morning would look like while we were married. Usually, I would wake up to discover my husband had not come home that night. At first, I would cry. I would try to call or text.
But then I stopped caring.
I would wake up to find that he had not come home and I would just sit in the silence, knowing that I was miserable, but also knowing I didn’t have a clue how to change that.
Now I know.
And so that’s what I’ll be reminded of when Facebook decides to share those memories with me. Now I’ll remind myself that I know exactly how to make myself happy. Now I know how to take care of myself. And now I know that I’m the only one who can do those things.
What a gift, right? Yeah, I think so too.