Because This Time it’s Different

I can’t get over how different it all feels this time. 

Y’all, it’s kind of amazing.

I’m finishing up packing. Getting things ready to hit the road back home to North Carolina. Washing, folding, packing. 

Organizing. Or my pathetic attempt at such. 

It has been an amazing 3+ weeks. I have rested. I have been restored. And I am renergized. 

It was exactly what I needed. 

It’s been a lot like before when I took long vacations, except there’s something very different. 

Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve gone home feeling wanted? 

Oh boy. 

I remember dreading going home. Afraid of going home. Because I knew how much he didn’t want me there. Because I knew how much he wished I’d stay. 

I remember going home thinking it was going to be different. That the time away was going to be exactly what we needed. That when I got out of the car or off the plane, he would see me and remember just how much he loved me, but it never worked out that way. 

I would be welcomed with empty stares. I would have to ask for a kiss. My attempt at trying. He would half hug me as if I was the last thing he wanted to see, probably because I was. 

Not this time, though. 

This time I’m wanted. This time he wished I never had left. This time I’m missed. 

This time it’s so different. 

This time I’m not scared. This time I’m excited to come home. Because this time I didn’t run away. 

Because this time it’s different. 

And while I used to be scared of ‘different’ and scared of ‘change’, I’ve realized that this entire season of my life is just that. It’s all different. 

And y’all, different is good. Different is so good. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still scared. Most days, I’m still scared, but along with being scared, comes trust. 

Because I’m learning to trust others. I’m learning to trust Him. But more than that, I’m finally learning to trust myself. 

Turns out that when I trust myself enough to trust Him completely, it just works. Things just work. And it’s all different. 

And y’all, different is so good. 

Because I know that when I get home there isn’t going to be any half hugs. I know that when I come home it won’t be just me going in for the kiss. Because I know when I come home, I’m going to be the only thing he wants to see. 

Because this time it’s different. 

And thank goodness, it’s different. 

XXOO

3 thoughts on “Because This Time it’s Different

  1. I’m hoping being with your Florida family helped a little. You sure showed us that we never need to worry about you again. Your physical strength is only matched by your mental strength and your mothering. We always loved you little and love you even more big!! Grandma and pop pop.

  2. Wow… Great words. Thanks for sharing.

    4 months ago, after finding myself lying prostrate on the floor in the front of the church, only half-way through the first song at church (“luckily” I wasn’t running media that day), I came up to return to my seat and be unable to stand still… Much less breath…

    I walked quickly to the associate/youth pastor, Bryan, and said, “If you’d rather hear my words than to see me explode, would it be okay if I speak?”

    On a side-note, as I laid in the floor 5 minutes earlier, I eventually cried myself up to my knees… I felt one hand, then another and eventually there were 7… I counted them all.

    Yet, upon turning and rising, there was one man with me. A ROCK in the church. He’s active and a doer. A goer and a true worker of the faith I’ve followed for now 27 years… (Rebirth day: 4/11/1989). Yet, the other 6 hands?? Yeah… I know who they were.

    On that day, four months ago, I found my peace. My place. My acceptance that’ll never fail, never let go and at ANY point I “leave”, He will ALWAYS be there…

    No, not the guy who prayed over me, but our shared Father, Creator and Lover of all… Whom I’d slid from, but always loved through marriage, miscarriage, foster parenting, birth of two awesome kiddos, a few job changes, two affairs, two BIG opportunities to forgive my mate (through the love He bestowed on me to pay forward), and an eventual separation and divorce, I stood firm in Him, but more like a standing firm in a mud-pie more so than standing firm in a cubic yard of concrete prior to being tossed in a New York river in the early prohibition days of the 1900’s…

    Anyway, I digress…

    For the last four months, I’ve been writing His words and placing my eyes in His direction. My heart is His and my ears are aligned with His directives… I’m now the Bluetooth speaker to the greatest stream that I’ve ever heard…

    And yet, no regret can be made… For what I call years of “mistakes”, He redirects me to a realization that those were “years of foundation building”… To which I must ask, “if the FOUNDATION alone took 27 years, Lord, what are you building here!!!??”

    God changes us. And He also puts us exactly where we need to be – exactly when we need to be there.

    Be blessed in your new challenges (opportunities), I sure am!!

    Btw, sorry to take off blogging on your blog, but obviously these words hit home for me and inspired me to speak freely… :)

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