Somewhere Else

You should have been here. 

Who knew divorce could be so emotional? Between us, I’m tired. I’m so tired of feeling things because of you. 

And I’m tired of having no one to talk to about it. Because that was you. You were my person. You were the one I could talk to, even if you never listened. I could talk. 

Now, I just sit here. Having conversations with myself. 

You should have been here. Your absence was a constant reminder that everything I knew was no longer. 

The truth is, you should have been here because this was our celebration. This was something we did. Not just me. We did it. We made her. 

This was our day, too. 

But instead, I was here and you were somewhere else. 

Instead, I was here defending you and, well, you were somewhere else.

Because people just don’t get it. Most days, I don’t even get it. But I know you’re not well. You may argue with me, but someone who is well, doesn’t just walk out on their entire family, so no, you aren’t well. 

And perhaps, I’m the only one who can see that. I don’t even think you see it. But I see it and I just feel so sorry for you. Because you should have been here, but instead you were somewhere else. 

You should have been here. And I shouldn’t have to defend you. You should have been here because that’s what you promised me. 

Because you swore to me that you would love me no matter what. 

But instead, I was here and you were somewhere else. 

3 Replies to “Somewhere Else”

  1. Why are you defending him? Excusing him? He is an adult, who is clearly making his own bad choices? It is your job to be the best mother you can be to your children and that includes, sadly, letting them learn for themselves who their father is. It is an easier lesson to grown into than to one day wake up too, in my opinion.

    1. He’s sick. Alcoholism is a disease. And I believe that being a good mother means I don’t criticize their father for choices he made because he’s sick. I wasn’t always so compassionate, but I’ve learned a lot about alcoholism. And the truth is, I’ve spent a long time being angry at something I have no control over. Something I didn’t cause. And something I can’t cure. And there’s a good chance that one or both of my kids could be an alcoholic. I would have the same compassion on them too.

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