Birthdays

Hard to believe my baby is 3 years old. I have so many emotions going through me, right now. 

I don’t even know where to begin. 

I can’t help but think of where we were last year. What we were doing. Usually, the memories are good, but last year, well, last year my husband and I were separated. 

I knew my marriage would be restored. I had held on to the faith that it would be and it was actually at Adelaide’s birthday party where we decided to give it another shot. He would move back in just a few days later. 

The year before that we had been fighting constantly. The kids and I were getting ready to take a vacation without daddy. For 3 weeks I would run away to my grandparents’ house until I felt like my husband wanted us back. 

I’m not sure that he ever did. 

It would be just a few months later that I would find out my husband had been cheating on me. He cheated on me even while I was gone. Swearing every night that he wasn’t. I should have believed myself, but I let him convince me that I was just being a crazy girl. 

I can still feel the raw pain of finding out that he had been unfaithful. I still cry when I think about just like I am right now. 

He broke me. 

He made me unable to trust others, myself included. 

Yes, I am on the path to recovery, but I’ve still got a long way to go. I am still hurt. And here we are celebrating another birthday without him. 

I wish I knew how to describe what I’m feeling, but even with my extensive vocabulary, it’s lacking. 

Hopefully, next year when I’m thinking about my baby being 4, I’ll reflect back on this day and witness just how far I’ve come.

Maybe birthdays witbout him will just get easier. 

Maybe. 

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