The thing is, I don’t even have it in me to apologize anymore. Not for this. Not for what I’ve become. The old me? The old me apologized all of the time. I apologized for everything. I apologized for who I was.
The truth is, this is probably my most selfish season of life. I am constantly thinking about me. What I want. What I don’t want. What I’m willing to tolerate. I don’t do things just to do things anymore. I do things because I want to or because I don’t want to.
I think this throws people off. I know it does.
Because they aren’t used to it. Heck, I’m not used to it. And maybe I’m doing things the wrong way, who knows? But what I do know is that for 10 years I was in a relationship that had nothing to do with me. For 10 years I constantly put myself below others. And not in the nice way, but in the sick way.
For 10 years I did it the way everyone else wanted to. I avoided conflict. I nodded when I wanted to scream. I learned to cry in the shower. I learned to hide my emotions, except anger and resentment. I got real good at showing those.
I learned to disguise myself as something that made everyone else comfortable. Except myself.
For those 10 years, I was never comfortable.
So maybe I don’t know what I’m doing now. I don’t think I should know. I’m learning. I’m taking it one day at a time and trying. Because this is all new to me.
Because this wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to love me through good times and bad. In sickness and in health. Till death do us part. And he didn’t.
So maybe I do look like I’ve gotten it all together. Most days, I feel like I do, but then sometimes I just don’t. And I’m okay with that. Because, if anything, I’ve learned it’s not about perfection, it’s about progress and that is something I’m making everyday.
So don’t push me. Don’t criticize me. Don’t act like I should have it all together because I don’t and it’s not fair that anyone expect I should. I am taking this one step at a time because when you plan too much, like spending the rest of your life with your husband, well it can throw you off when it doesn’t happen.
So this season is about me. It’s about learning who I am. It’s about being okay with the brokenness. It’s about being selfish and finally being the one who isn’t uncomfortable.
And no, I’m not sorry.