I had never considered it adultery. No, not what I was doing. I wasn’t committing adultery. I was moving on. I was getting over. I was finally figuring out how to be happy.
He didn’t think so.
I met this man in January, he wasn’t like anything I had ever considered dating. He wasn’t my type at all. In fact, I was convinced that it would just be one date and a few text messages at most.
He had a daughter. She was 10. I know that what I’m about to say next is going to make you go ‘Well, what the heck?’ but I’ll say it anyways. I wasn’t interested in dating anyone with kids. I wasn’t sure that I could even love someone else’s kids, but I pretended not to acknowledge the fact that he had a daughter.
We met for coffee one night. It was raining. I was tired. Not sure I even really wanted to be there, but we met. And we hit it off.
He was funny. He was sweet. He was everything I had been wanting. We had walked similar paths in our marriages.
It ended up being one of my favorite dates.
I was convinced God had brought this man into my life. Without being perfect, he was perfect. I started falling for him. We started falling for each other.
One day I went to see him. He was moving. I was bored. So I pretended that I would help. I got to meet his mother and his daughter. On my way I prayed to God that if this was a good thing, that I would like his daughter.
I did. Instantly.
I saw our lives mingling. It was a good thing. We weren’t ready to rush anything, but I had a good feeling.
A few weeks later I was talking to a friend from church. I casually mentioned that I had been going out on a few dates. ‘Nothing serious,’ I added.
‘You shouldn’t be doing that,’ she said. I told her how my husband was dating and that he had a girlfriend. I was doing my best to justify what I was doing.
‘Let him be the one to commit adultery, not you. You’re still married. God still looks at you as married.’
I pretended to get it. I did. But I ignored it.
It had been so long since I had had attention from a man. This was everything that I had wanted for so long from my husband. Everything. I couldn’t give that up and I blatantly told God that I wasn’t giving it up.
For so long I had been faithful and loving to my husband. For so long I had done the ‘right’ thing. And I wasn’t hurting anyone, my husband had a girlfriend for goodness sake.
But I could tell that He wasn’t okay with it.
At first, it was just little things. I did my best to ignore them. I refused to listen.
Funny, how not long ago I was desperate to hear Him. And now, I did my best to silence Him because I knew what He was going to do.
We would have conversations in the car, just the two of us. Mainly it was me just yelling.
‘I can’t end this,’ I said, ‘you have to.’
On Friday, I could tell something wasn’t right with the guy I had been seeing. Something was off. But I didn’t push it.
Saturday, I hadn’t heard from him. I got inside of my head and over thought everything. I begged and pleaded to God to give me some reassurance.
‘I can’t be rejected again!’ I screamed.
On Sunday, I woke up at 8:12am and knew I had to get to church. It had been months since I had been inside a church. I jumped in the shower, got my daughter ready and ran out the door at 8:28am as I made my way to my old church home 40 minutes away.
I walked in late. But knew instantly I was supposed to be there and according to Him, I was right on time.
I sat in the back. Alone. I knew something was going to happen.
The message was clear. He wasn’t okay with my choice.
I knew it was over then. Driving back to my parents’ house, I knew it was over.
I still hadn’t heard from him. And by Sunday night I had accepted that it was over. Hard to have anything when He’s not on your side.
On Monday, I was working on a blog. Praying in between the lines. Asking God what was wrong with me. Why did it seem like no man wanted me? My husband didn’t want me. My past boyfriends didn’t want me. And now this guy didn’t want me. I just didn’t want to be rejected again.
That’s when my phone ‘dinged’ and it was him. A long message appeared on my screen.
I won’t get into details, mainly because it hurts to think about that message, but I can tell you it wasn’t a rejection. After I read the lines a few times through the tears I realized this was God doing what I wasn’t strong enough to do. He was ending it. Once again taking care of my sin.
Oh, but it hurts. And I’m still not happy about it. At all.
Actually, when I’m not crying, I’m angry. Very angry.
But I get it. I know what He’s doing. I know He loves me. I know that one day I will look back and say ‘He knew this whole time.’ May take some time to get there, but I know I will.
Honestly, He has made it very clear that He is the only ‘man’ I need right now.
That’s why yesterday, He gave me flowers.
So I was just telling someone the other day that it had been so long since I had gotten flowers. And how I actually loved getting flowers. It had been years since I got any. So God has been very evident in my life lately. Even when I’m trying to ignore Him because I don’t like what He’s saying. But the thing about God, is that you really can’t ignore Him. So today, I went to the grocery store to grab something to eat in the car on the way to a meeting. It’s been kind of a crappy day. A crappy few days. I’m hurt. I’m emotional. It’s just not been great. So as I’m checking out a lady comes up to me and says ‘Do you want these? They’re extra and we just want to give them to you.’ Y’all. You know it was Him. He gave me these flowers. The conversations we’ve been having lately, this is Him, assuring me, that He’s what I need. Even if I don’t want to believe it, it’s Him. Only Him. I can think I need someone else. I can think a man would fill this void in my life. But all I need is Him.
So now, even though I don’t want to. And even though this is going to be one of the hardest moments in my life, I focus on Him. On myself. I give up dating. I become obedient. And I get better.
As my sponsor put it, a ‘man fast’.
I need to learn to let Him decide my worth, my value. I need to learn what it means to love myself. I need no distractions. Nothing to hide behind. No one else to fix. I’ve been coping and hiding for far too long.
And now, it’s just the two of us. So I guess you could say I met someone.