I don’t know why I’m even surprised anymore.
I’ve probably started a few posts out that way, but the truth is it’s always shocking to me. I always sit here after it happens and just kind of hang out with my mouth a little open because I just can’t believe how clearly I can hear Him, especially when I’m listening.
Last night wasn’t good. It was full of tears and pain and fear. Divorce is hard. Breaking up a family is hard. And it should be. But that doesn’t make it any more bearable because it still sucks.
The truth is divorce can bring out the ugly in each of us. Maybe it’s intentional. Maybe it’s not. I am constantly reminded that ‘hurting people hurt people’. I know this from experience.
I often look back at the things that were said and wish that I could take them back. I know better. But in the moment, I can’t help it. I’m hurt.
I’ve been hurting for years.
I almost wish he would follow through on the threats. Finally cut the string. What I would give for him not to be able to dangle things over my head. Because I know, eventually he will run out of threats. Eventually, I won’t have to worry anymore about our finances or whether or not I will have a place to live or if our bills will get paid.
So last night, after things got bad, I realized I wasn’t really nervous. After I stepped back and thought about everything, I was okay. I wasn’t scared. Maybe for a few minutes, but then the fear subsided.
It was still there. Still present. But it didn’t consume me.
I can’t take credit, it’s Him. He knew that conversation was going to take place. He knew that those threats were going to be made. And He had been preparing me for it all day, even though I had no idea.
I went to an Al Anon meeting yesterday. The topic: Fear and Anxiety. How do we deal with those things? My answer, I appreciate the fear and the anxiety because it reminds me that I need Him. And when I actually think about it and what I am actually fearful of and I don’t make up a 1000 different scenarios, I am reminded that He is always bigger than my fear.
So as I was being threatened. As I was being told that I would be cut off financially and that I would be evicted from my home. And after I put my own feelings aside (not soon enough, but a lot sooner than before) I was totally okay. I didn’t feel scared. I felt comforted. Because I knew He was right there.
Fast forward to this morning. The fear tried to sneak back in, it did for a minute or two. I held back the tears. I was tired of crying. I opened my Al Anon literature.
I start each morning with a cup of coffee and 3 readings. Somedays the readings hit pretty close to home. I find myself relating. Other days, they offer great advice, but nothing really mind blowing.
Today, it was Him. He was talking to me through those pages. And He blew my mind.
We wonder why they cannot realize what they are doing to the family. We doubt they care. If they did, we think, how could they behave in this irrational way? In Al-Anon we learn that this a false conclusion; we cannot know how terribly they suffer from guilt at the hurt they inflict.
I know I will be guided to where I need to go today. I may not always notice my Higher Power’s help, but I have faith that it exists.
Why do I allow myself to suffer, to blow small things out of proportion? I can break a situation down to a more manageable size by taking it one day at a time.
No apologies have been made. I don’t expect there to be. And I’m okay with that. Because if I’ve learned anything it’s that divorce is ugly, but it’s not my battle. I don’t need to worry. I don’t need to prove myself. And I don’t need to be scared. He’s my provider. All I have to do is just remember to trust Him.
He’s got the rest under control. And like the guy said yesterday ‘When I’m waiting, God’s working’.
And even if you don’t even realize you’re waiting, He’s still working.