I still can’t believe we’re getting divorced.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I think all of the things I hadn’t felt before, I’m feeling now.
I think about you, my husband, er, my ex, I don’t even know what to call you anymore, but I think about you. A lot. Probably more than I should.
I think about how I still love you. No, it’s not the same, but it would be silly for myself to think that I would ever stop loving you.
I think about all of the things I lost when you decided to leave. It’s those things I grieve. The little things. The things most of us probably don’t even pay attention to until they’re gone.
I know I didn’t.
I try to remember why it was a good thing you left, but most days I struggle. I try to remember the fighting, the name calling. I try to remember what it felt like to watch you walk out every single weekend. Or how it felt when I would go to bed not knowing where you were or if you would be coming home.
I think back to the day I found out you were cheating on me. That pain. How raw it was. How raw it still is. But I think this is worse.
I know it is.
And then I get mad. I get angry. I think back to the times I wouldn’t leave. The times I chose to stay. The times I begged you to ‘give us one more chance’ and for what?
Just so you could decide that you didn’t want it anymore?
Just so you could change everything because you didn’t feel like doing the work anymore?
I don’t know why I’m surprised. It shouldn’t have surprised me. It’s pretty typical of you, actually.
So then why do I miss you?
Because the truth is, I am happier. I’m the happiest I’ve been. I guess I just wish I could have been happy with you. I wish we could have been happy together.
But, instead, we’re getting divorced.