The other day a friend texted me and asked me how my day was going. I responded quickly because I always have my phone close by as I am pretty attached to it with work.
Busy. I answered. I’ve got this and this and that and oh yeah this to do.
He responded ‘Do you ever take time to just relax? You’re always busy.’
I thought about the question for a minute. Well, did I?
I looked back through our texts. He had asked the question before. ‘What are you doing?’ ‘How’s your day?’ ‘Any plans?’ And my answer was always the same.
Busy. Lots of things to do. No break. Always doing something.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn’t take breaks. I rarely relaxed.
When people ask me what I do for fun, I honestly don’t know the answer.
Fun? I’m a newly single mom who works from home, homeschools, blogs and does a little web designing on the side. And oh, yeah, I hardly ever get any time to myself. Pretty much doing it all on my own. So no. No fun.
Somehow, somewhere down the road, I’ve confused the word ‘fun’ with ‘irresponsible’. So what does that mean exactly?
As I sat in my Al Anon meeting last night, listening to the people talk about ‘balance’ I realized I had none.
Not even the slightest clue.
So, I began to do a little soul searching. A little praying. And a little bit of listening.
I stay busy so I can maintain control. Because if I do this and this and this and that then it will go exactly the way I want it to.
You don’t really trust me.
Back to square one, I guess. Honestly? I don’t. I say I do. I want to. But I don’t.
I trust myself.
Not only that, but I don’t believe Him. I search and seek approval and worth from everything and everyone else, but Him.
I find it in my work, my parenting, social media, here on this blog. Everywhere. But Him.
Oh yes, I know Jesus loves me. I do. But I also want to know that everyone else does too.
And when I complete this or cross that off my list and I am recognized for doing a good job, well there’s my value. There’s my worth.
So the other night I sat down and I ‘relaxed’. I turned on the TV. Found a show on Netflix and hit play.
It was painful.
To sit there and not do anything productive. I had a thousand things I could have been doing. Packing for my trip, catching up on emails, making phone calls. You name it.
I could have even filled my time with reading recovery books or the bible or praying, but He insisted I just watch Netflix.
So I did.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
I’ve shared with you how nervous I’ve been about my trip home that’s coming up. I have been anxious and worried about everything. The money, the time, the what-if’s.
But I think this is Him. Actually, I know it is. This is Him giving me the break. Giving me rest. Even if I don’t know to ask for it, He still knows to give it.
And I don’t know about you, but that brings me comfort. I don’t even have to know what to ask for and yet, He knows exactly what to provide.
I guess I can trust Him.
He also has a sense of humor. Because today, even though I took a small break last night and watched another episode of ‘Friends’, He knew my heart and mind.
He knew it wouldn’t last long. He knew that when I woke up I was going to go back to the list of things to do. I was going to control and manipulate. He knew. And so today, I woke up not feeling so good.
Not completely sick, but worn out. Knowing that if I don’t rest, it will get worse. So today, it’s not just one episode of ‘Friends’, it’s a few.
It’s setting the phone down and spending as much time as I can hidden under the covers. Drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows and sipping hot tea. Not checking emails. Not making phone calls. Probably still checking Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, but mostly resting.
And just in case you’re wondering, in my free time, I like to watch ‘Friends’ on Netflix. And heck, I think I might even grab the gummy bears.