I’m Listening

I say it all the time, ‘God is good.’ I say it because He is. It’s true. All of the time. But one thing I’ve noticed, is that we can often only talk about Him. Our ‘religion’ tends to be one sided. And while I’m not suggesting we stop talking about Him, I think it’s important to acknowledge that while God is good, we also have a very bad enemy. 

An enemy who is out to destroy us. 

I’ve noticed over the past few years, when I begin to talk about the enemy, people become uncomfortable. I get looks. Whispers behind my back, but the truth is if we believe in Him we also need to believe in him.

And he is real.

I believe that we are in a spiritual war, always. Sometimes I can sense the enemy is around. I feel him. 

I felt him a lot when my husband was here. Not saying my husband is the enemy, but that our marriage was certainly under attack. 

I have been blessed enough not to sense him as much these days, but I know he’s there, waiting to pounce. Waiting for my moment of weakness. My doubt, my insecurity, my fear. 

He just sits there and waits.

If I have learned anything over the last few years in my faith walk it is that God loves me and the enemy hates me. 

Yes, he often disguises himself as fun. He pretends that he wants what’s best for me. But the truth is, he hates me. 

He hates all of us. 

 These last few days have been hard. Harder than most. I have struggled. I have spent countless hours crying. I have been scared and nervous and fearful. 

And the enemy has just been waiting. 

I’m going home in just a few days. God is so good. This was a huge blessing to me. I never expected to be able to go home twice in one year. 

And for Christmas?! It couldn’t have been any better. I was so excited when I realized that God was making this possible. So grateful and overwhelmed. He heard my prayer and He blessed me. 

The enemy didn’t like that. 

If there has ever been a time when I have needed to trust God, it is now. It is in this divorce. The uncertainty that surrounds me right now is so scary. I never know what my husband is thinking, what his motives are. 

Everything is different these days.

I’m still working on establishing myself as a single mother and trying to get on my own two feet, but it’s hard. And it’s scary. 

I never imagined I would be doing this on my own. Taking care of my kids, having the financial responsibility rest on me alone. I still don’t know that it’s actually hit me, this is what my life looks like now.

And I tell you what, if I am not constantly aware of my relationship with God and who He is and what He does, I can become my own worst enemy. 

And the enemy knows that. And he waits for it. 

So last week I wasn’t sure that when I came home from my visit, I would have a place to stay. I wasn’t sure that I would have my things. I didn’t know if I should pack everything up and move it into storage. I felt guilty for spending the money to go home. With all of these other things looming over my head, I felt the money could be spent best somewhere else. 

Suddenly my blessing had become a curse. Or that’s what the enemy wanted me to think. 

I rushed around trying to figure it all out. I texted my sponsor freaking out about what to do. How was I supposed to fix this? I was leaving in a week. 

Or maybe I wouldn’t. 

Maybe I would just stay here and figure out what to do. I would just stay here and take care of everything. Come up with a plan, something. 

And so I started to think about spending Christmas, alone. Just the 3 of us. Something I also never expected. 

I prayed. I fell to my knees, sobbing, pleading, begging. Lord I am so scared. I don’t know what to do. Your will, Lord, not mine. 

And then I remembered God had given me the blessing to be able to go home. He did that. Not me. And He would take care of the rest. He knows what I need. He knows before I even ask.

My husband texted me later on. Apologized for freaking out. Assured me that I would have a place to live when I came back. 

That was God. Another answered prayer.  

You see, the enemy tried to trick me out of His blessing. He tried to get me to doubt who my God is. What my God can do. 

I felt the battle. I was caught in the middle. 

And can I tell you something else? Even if I stayed, I still couldn’t figure this out on my own. I still have no plan. No strategies. It’s much to much for me. 

But not Him. He has the plan. He’s already there. He knows exactly where I am going to live. He knows exactly how I’m going to lay the bills. He knows. Nothing’s too big for Him. 

And so despite the enemy’s attempt to ruin my trip, my faith, my relationship with my Father, I’m going home. 

I’m going home because that’s what He wants me to do. And the only thing I can control is whether or not I listen to Him. 

And I’m listening. 

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34

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