I have to be honest with you guys. I haven’t been doing very well these last few days.
Yes, I earned an incredible, life changing promotion at work and it was awesome. And exciting. And I was literally on the edge of my seat for like 5 days. And it felt so good to finally do it and even better watching my team help me do it, but then life happened.
And it’s not as pretty as it could be.
I never expected myself to be a single mother. I never expected to have my husband walk out on me. I never expected to have to do this on my own. And really, I guess, I never expected to have to trust God this much.
Does that make sense?
Yes, I trust God, but mostly when He’s doing things I’m comfortable with. And when He’s doing them on my time. Totally trust Him. But it’s those moments where I just don’t know. Where I can’t control every aspect of my life. Where I either have to just jump or cower away.
I wish I could tell you I jump, but most times I cower. And eventually, He just has to carry me.
In recovery, I’ve learned a few things. I try to apply them to my life often, but it’s about progress not perfection and so most days, I fall short.
“Live and Let Live”. Sounds pretty easy right. No. For such a simple sentence, this gives me so much trouble. I struggle with this idea, but because I am serious about recovery I gave it a shot. Want to know what happened?
Well, if I can be blunt, I got screwed. I “lived and let lived” and now I’m the one struggling and if I can really be honest, I don’t think that’s fair.
So this is where trusting God would really help me out except that in these moments I just don’t. I do, ultimately, overall, but I want to know His plan. I want to know what He’s got up His sleeve. I don’t want anymore surprises.
Do you hear me?! I don’t want anymore surprises!
Except that I do. I like the edge of my seat surprises. I like the good surprises like being able to go home twice in one year. Or having a surprise night off away from the kids for a little bit. I like those things. I don’t like finding out that I have no money because someone decided to spend it. I don’t like not being able to know where I’m going to live or if my bills are going to be paid. I don’t like those things.
I’m a planner and I find that when I “live and let live” I don’t get to plan. I’m not a truster. I have never been. Given my relationship history and not just with my soon to be ex husband, trust just isn’t my thing.
A lot of times, I find myself praying and asking Him, ‘Do you really expect me to trust you? I mean, have you seen what I’ve been through?’
‘Yeah, I have. I got you through it, remember?’
And then I do remember. He’s gotten me through it all. And if I can just stay focused on what is happening right now, in this moment, not what has happened before, not what could happen next, but in this moment, right now, then I know He’s got it.
And I don’t think I need to really know anything else. I can just trust Him.