I cannot actually remember the last time I liked myself. Loved myself.
I have spent the last the few days reflecting back, thinking surely I could come up with something, a time, but I’ve got nothing.
Oh, I’ve put on a good show. And yes, I am starting to learn to love myself, but I’m still a work in progress.
As I reflected over the last 31 years, that I can remember, I realized that while I haven’t loved myself, I have loved attention.
Oh boy do I love attention. But there’s a catch.
It seems I have spent my entire life seeking attention, but I only wanted you to pay attention to what I wanted you to see. I have spent hours upon hours trying to control what you saw. From my days in college where I practically pierced everything and tattooed the rest (sorry mom), to taking the ‘perfect’ picture over and over and over until I liked what I saw.
I have used countless defense mechanisms over the years including hiding behind my husband’s sickness.
That hurts me to write that. I am ashamed and embarrassed to even admit this, but this is not just about me. This is about Him. Because I can see Him using these things and I know He has a plan, one that I’ve been praying about for a long time. And I see it happening. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I hid behind my husband’s disease because it meant I could still manipulate my way out of acknowledging my own sickness.
I still got the attention I so desperately wanted, but I was still able to control what you saw.
All because I didn’t like myself. Didn’t love myself. Afraid of falling short. Of being discovered- called out on my imperfections. Not being wanted or loved or desired or needed or worthy.
I could on, the list is long.
But now, I have nothing left to hide from. Excuse me, behind. Now I have nothing left to hide behind.
It’s scary to think that I am probably figuring out who I am the same time everyone else is. It’s already harder to manipulate.
And something I’ve been able to realize is that there really isn’t that much difference between me and my husband.
How’s that for knocking the wind out of you?
Nope, we are pretty much the same. In the same way he used me, I used him. He was my deflector. I never actually admitted that I had my own faults and defects. I just blamed it on him.
I mean, after all, his problems were so much worse than mine, right?
I realize now, that I have been believing a lie. Straight from the pit of hell. I believed that I was not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, the list could go on and on and on. The enemy had convinced me that I just wasn’t enough. And he’s kind of right, I’m not, but He is.
He is enough. And because He is enough He makes me enough. Same goes for you too.
Am I healed? Gosh no. Not even close. But I’m on my way. I may be taking it very slowly, but I am starting to step into the light. God is calling me to expose myself, I know it, I can feel it. I’ve been praying about it. If I do what He is telling me to, I know that the game is over. There will be no more lies. No more hiding. And to be blunt, that scares the living hell out of me.
I don’t expect this to be easy. He’s already placed it on my heart to seek forgiveness from my husband. That one really hurts. I never expected to have to ask for forgiveness from him, but it’s there. And eventually, I will ask.
It’s sort of funny, sort of. Me loving attention, but not really this kind. I actually told Him He could stop paying attention to me for a little bit, I swear I heard Him chuckle.
I’m not sure that I’m ready for this. For these next steps, whether they be big or little. I’m scared. I’m so scared. But then I remember who’s with me. He’s had to take steps too. He walked His way to His death. He knows about taking steps.
So while I’m scared to death to step out from the darkness, I’m also kind of excited to see what I look like in His light.