And so, I’m hiding in my closet, in the dark, eating gummy bears quietly, taking turns between writing this, closing my eyes, and talking to Him because today has been a challenge. Because today has been hard.
Because today I need a break.
I need a minute to myself. Not just bedtime, but an actual break.
I am exhausted. I am overwhelmed. I am a single mother now.
That last one isn’t something I’m used to, I mean, maybe it is, but I never thought I would ever actually have to say it. He was supposed to be here. He was supposed to help me.
I am tired all of the time. All. Of. The. Time.
And I know giving up isn’t an option, but I am so tired. If you include the time I spent in NC, it’s been 7 weeks without a break. 7 weeks of being the only one to feed and dress and bathe and entertain and break up fights and put to bed. I’m in charge of the budget, the grocery store runs, fixing meals, cleaning up after everyone, doing the laundry, and trying to keep it all together.
Trying to keep them together.
I’m the only one answering questions ‘Where is dad?’ ‘Is dad going to live here with us?’ ‘Why doesn’t daddy want to be married to you anymore?’ and a thousand more where that comes from, speaking of which, where does that come from? Seriously, the amount of questions just blows my mind, but I get it, they’re still confused. Sometimes I can become a bit selfish thinking that I’m the only one whose had to deal with this, but the truth is, they are just as involved.
I wish I knew what answers to give them, but I’m tired.
I probably let them spend more time than they should in front of the TV and their iPads. I just don’t have it in me right now.
And so, I’m hiding in my closet, in the dark, eating gummy bears quietly, taking turns between writing this, closing my eyes, and talking to Him.
‘Oh, Lord how I need you.’ It’s all I can get out. I’m too tired to think of anything else.
I can hear them ask each other where I’m at. Jaxsyn is doing his best to keep Adelaide entertained, I know he is, but she’s getting restless.
I glance at the clock, it’s only 4:48pm. Too early for bed. Too tired to cook. But I can’t keep hiding in the closet, in the dark, eating gummy bears, taking turns between writing this, closing my eyes, and talking to Him. No, I have to do this, not because I want to. Not because I have the energy to, but because they need me.
And because I’m a single mother now.