I packed your things today. Placed them neatly into bins and suitcases. Set them to the side.
You know how I love to be organized.
It was so weird though. Going through your things. Folding your shirts, it dawned on me, this would be the last time I would do that. For 10 years I folded your shirts. And now, just like that, I’m done.
There were so many feelings today, but I didn’t cry. I couldn’t.
As I went through your things I realized I don’t even know you anymore. It was like I had spent the last few years with a complete stranger.
You became unrecognizable.
I took down our photos. I haven’t replaced them yet, but I will. As I set them in their designated places I realized I’m not sad at all. I feel like I should be. Maybe I’m supposed to be. But as I packed each thing it dawned on me that these feelings I was feeling wasn’t sadness, it was relief. It was rest.
It was peace.
I hate to say that I’m happy, but I am. I’m feeling stronger each day. I’m not scared. I thought I would be. But it’s like I already lived the nightmare. And now I’m finally waking up.
People don’t get it. They still don’t. That’s okay. They never really understood our story, anyways.
I really owe it all to you. The best thing you could have ever done for me was leave. I know that probably sounds weird to hear, but I don’t think I ever would have been strong enough to leave you. I wanted so badly to be the reason you got better. The reason you stayed.
I wanted to be enough.
But I never would have left. I know that. I think you know that too. The truth was I loved you more than I loved myself.
I hated everything about me. Everything. And now, I can’t find anything about me that I don’t love.
I think that’s Him. Actually, I know it is.
And actually, I realized as I was packing your stuff and folding your shirts, for the last time, that I have a hard time looking at you and remembering all the things I hated. I can’t remember the bad stuff. It’s like I finally see you the way He does.
Funny how He can do things like that.
So now, your stuff just sits here, folded, packed, in the corner. And I’m finally able to take a break.