Are you sitting down?
First, can I just say that I don’t even really understand what’s happening. I don’t. I can’t. It is just so good. And so perfect. Because He is.
I am about to say something that I still can’t even believe I’m saying. Like seriously, there’s a good chance hell may be freezing over as I type this. (You think I’m exaggerating, just read previous posts.)
It’s been a little over a week. Life has been crazy and messy and chaotic. But He has been, He has been, well, I can’t even come up with the words. It’s good though. No, better than good, it’s great. I am seriously the happiest I’ve been in a long time.
Please don’t take that the wrong way. I still love my husband and I still want and am praying that God will restore our marriage, but if He doesn’t, that’s okay too.
Seriously though, I can’t help but laugh to myself as I write these words because I can’t even believe I’m writing them.
In fact, I’m pretty sure I swore I would never write them.
Yes, my husband has left me. There are still no papers being served just yet. I have had the rug pulled out from underneath me. I have every reason to run. There have been days when I was ready to just run, but I’m not.
No, it doesn’t have anything to do with my husband. Yes, I have thought about it, but, are you ready for this?!
I am already home.
No, it will never be home the way most of us think of home. That will always be NC, but this is home for me, Houston freaking Texas, is exactly where I am supposed to be.
Let that sink in. Seriously, let it, because I’m still like ‘what?!’ Go ahead and cue that high pitched voice.
You heard me, this is home. This is exactly where I’m supposed to be.
For years I have fought this idea. There was no way this would ever be home. Ever. But it is.
It so is.
It’s home, because He’s here. Y’all, the peace I feel makes NO SENSE. But I feel it. I inhale it. It is everywhere.
That’s Him. That can only be Him.
I know that if I were back in NC I would be doing it my way. It would be easy for me to do it my way. I would be justified for doing it my way, but I’m here. I’m home. And I’m doing it all for Him.
Can I tell you something else? I am the happiest I have been in a very, very, very long time. Even though my life is chaos, and nothing but, I am like giddy, ear to ear, happy.
People don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to think. But I am genuinely happy.
The truth is, it’s not about me. It never was. I’ve learned that about my marriage and now my life.
But it’s about Him. It’s always been about Him.
And He’s home. He’s the comfort that I missed. The familiar face. The warmth. The love.
I never needed a place, like I thought I did, I just needed Him.
He was all the things I thought I didn’t have, but I did.
I had Him the whole time. I was just too busy trying to hold it all together on my own to realize it.
Yes, my life is chaotic. And it will probably be chaotic for awhile no matter which way it goes. It doesn’t make any sense right now, but He does. And He has surrounded me with everything I could ever need.
That’s why I know that this is where I’m meant to be. It was never meant to punish or hurt me. But this is where I’m understood. Where my husband is understood. Where my chaos is understood.
And let’s not forget to talk about the peace. He has given me peace. So. Much. Peace.
Of course, I miss my friends. And my family. And that will never change, but here, at home, I have Him because He is everywhere. In a place where I didn’t expect to find Him, He’s here.
And to be honest, not only am I finally home, but I’m happy to be here.
Lord, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for surrounding me with people who not only love me, but who love you. Thank you for knowing me better than I know myself. Thank you for being the strength that people see when they look at me. And thank you for bringing me home. I know that some people will read this and will be sad to know I’m not coming back, not permanently anyways, but Lord, I just ask that you just show them all the things you’ve done in my life and give them the peace to know that I am better than okay. I am home. I am happy. And it’s not about me, but that I live to serve you only. Thank you, Lord.