I don’t expect people to understand. I get it. I don’t even think I really understand, but this isn’t me, this is Him.
It’s always Him.
No, I’m not stupid or dumb or weak, although there are times when I feel those things. But those things do not define me.
As I sat in church on Sunday listening to my Bishop preach, I couldn’t help but think this was another one of those times when God was talking directly to me.
‘When God comes into our lives and reveals Himself to us, our life becomes chaotic.’
Let’s think about this. God revealed Himself to me when He moved me to Texas. From the beginning my life has been nothing but chaos. Car accident, no friends, loneliness, affair, separation, divorce, etc.
Check. Check. And check.
It is a prayer of mine that you have been able to see Him through me. That’s all I really care about. I don’t care about the chaos, I care about Him.
So as He has become my focus, I find myself reminded that I am not of this world. He picked me, even before I was born, He picked me and He set me aside.
Therefore, the way I react, should be surprising to you.
It is not because I don’t understand or because I am not normal, I feel it all. I feel the pain and the hurt and the disgust, I do, but more than that, I feel Him.
He’s got me.
I feel His arms around me. I feel the peace that only He can bring. I just feel Him.
And it’s great.
Oh, I am tempted most days to take my eyes off of Him. I am tempted by those of you who are closest to me. I don’t say that to hurt you. And I know you don’t either.
But the truth is, I have spent a long time being angry, being hurt, being upset. I have spent a long time trying to do it on my own, my way and focusing on me.
This time I want to do things differently. This time I want to do things the way He wants me to. And my prayer is that as you watch my story unfold, you will too.