I get it. It’s hard to understand. I can see it in the words you write to me or the way it’s written all over your faces. How can she be okay??
I’ve told you over and over and over that it’s Him. Not me. Never has been me. Never will be me. But I get it, it’s hard to understand.
People expect me to be angry. To be upset. To have swollen eyes. I can see how they tip-toe around me, afraid that at any moment I will finally break down. The way they expect. The way I should. But I don’t. I haven’t.
That doesn’t mean I haven’t cried. Oh, trust me, I have. I have spent a lot of time just crying and letting it out. I have spent a lot of time sitting in my room talking to my Father asking question after question. Wondering, much like you, why all of this had to happen.
But I’m still not angry.
I feel like I need to make a few things very clear. One: I regret nothing. What Justin and I had was ours. It was the story I wanted for a long time until it wasn’t. There has not been a minute that passes where I have thought ‘I wish I hadn’t.’ Because the truth is, I would all over again. Even knowing what I know now. I loved him. No, scratch that, I love him. And while we have had our fair share of heart ache and trials, they were ours and I can’t imagine the story being written any other way.
Two: God is not any less because of this. Am I angry at God? No. God is God regardless of who I am or what my marriage looks like. We got where we are because of our choices. Not God’s. And believe it or not I am thankful for all of this.
Yes, you read that right, I am thankful for all of this.
While it might not make much sense to anyone else this, what is happening right now, this is good. This is good because I can see God using me. And my prayer is one day I’ll be able to see God using my husband. This is good because I’m not hiding anymore. I am completely free and at peace.
No, I’m not angry at God for making me come back to Houston. Am I suppose to stay here? I don’t know, but what I do know is that He brought me home to my church, to people that love and support both me and Justin.
I get it. It’s hard to love my husband when you feel like he’s hurt me so much, but do. Love him. Oh and there are times when I struggle with this, but I have to remember not to let the enemy in. Not even for a second. And my prayer for you is that you don’t use me as a reason to let him into your life either.
You’ve already messaged me to tell me that you know I’m going to be fine. If you really believe that, and I do, then don’t be angry at my husband. Pray for him. That’s what I do. When I begin to feel restless or I begin to want to step back in and try to control things, pray.
Oh how easy it is for us to think we know what someone else is going through. I know I am guilty of pretending to understand my husband’s struggles, but we don’t. We can’t. But we can pray. We don’t even have to know which words to say, He’ll help you.
Yesterday, I went to my pastorate. For those of you who don’t know what a pastorate is, it’s like a large, small group. We do life together. It’s something that I believe all churches should have. So I went, hesitantly. I was nervous. Saying you do life together and actually doing life together are two very different things. But I went.
I was prayed over. Going into that prayer I was scared. But as they asked the Holy Spirit to fill me with peace, He did. I had begun to tear up, but He wiped away my tears. I can’t explain what happened, but something did. What they probably don’t know is that in that moment I realized why I had come back. They don’t hate my husband. They don’t judge my husband. They love him just as much as I do and to be honest, to be real honest, that’s what I need right now.
When you find yourself angry at my husband and you wonder why I had to marry him in the first place, look at my daughter. If I hadn’t married him, she probably wouldn’t be here. And for those of you who know my daughter, well, I can’t imagine a world where she does not exist. And when you find yourself disgusted by my husband, remember that without him I wouldn’t have Jaxsyn either. We can say that my husband has made a lot of poor choices, but I will never hate him because he gave me the two most important, well, technically three (Jaxsyn, Adelaide Blue and God), most important things in my life.
And I choose to be thankful. And I’m praying you will too.