The ‘D’ Word

Well, boy do I feel dumb.

I know most of you will read over the next few sentences and probably send me messages about how strong I am or how I shouldn’t feel dumb at all, but I do.

I feel so dumb.

Oh, how I have tried. I have bent over backwards trying to make this work. I have made sacrifice after sacrifice trying to hold it all together. I have worn myself to the bone trying to do whatever I could to keep it going, but it wasn’t enough.

I made my way back to Houston on Friday. I was scared to come back. I even told my husband that I was scared. I asked him if I should just stay. He said no. He even assured me that I had nothing to be scared of.

I feel so dumb.

We got home before he did. I unpacked the car by myself. I made dinner. I unpacked our suitcases. He came home and didn’t even hug me. I could see it then. Part of me knew, but I was tired and I didn’t want to think too much into it.

I laid down alone, fell asleep alone, and woke up alone.

That next morning was our 5 year anniversary, but we weren’t celebrating.

I think we spent a total of 5 hours together as a family before my husband decided to walk out on us again. The truth is since he moved back in after the separation he walked out every weekend, like clockwork.

I don’t know if I actually expected something different, but I thought after not seeing your family for 4 weeks he’d at least stay this weekend, our anniversary weekend.

But he left. He didn’t come back until Monday at 12:30am.

I was exhausted from fighting and so I attempted to make a truce on Tuesday. I was settling, giving up, throwing in the towel. I wanted so desperately for our marriage to work out. We had been together for almost 10 years. I could keep quiet for a little bit longer, wait it out. Eventually, the man I knew, the man I fell in love with, the man I married would be back. I had faith that one day I would recognize him again, and so I sent him a message asking him if we could just start over and if there was anything he wanted for dinner.

Over the next few minutes everything would change.

He texted back and in not so many words he told me he wanted a divorce.

I fell to the floor. Back into a familiar position. The air was knocked out of my lungs. A divorce. My husband just texted me asking for a divorce.

I asked him why he made me come back. Why he couldn’t have just said something before I left. I explained to him that this was the meanest thing he’s ever done to me.

But I get it. I feel dumb, but I get it.

My husband is sick. He has a problem and instead of dealing with it he chooses to hide behind it, behind his ‘friends’, and behind his job. And even though I should hate him, I don’t. I’m not trying to change his mind, if he wants a divorce I’ll give him a divorce, but if he thinks that suddenly his life is going to be so much better without me and without his kids, he’s wrong. And I know he knows that.

It may be the smallest voice in his head, but I know he knows.

And so now I wait. I wait for the papers to be filed. I wait to figure out what my next step is. And the truth is I’m so scared. So scared.

I know I’ll get through it not because I’m strong because I’ll be the first to tell you this is just too much for me, but I’ll get through it because I’m leaning on Him because I know and I believe with all my heart that IN ALL THINGS GOD WORKS FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE HIM (Romans 8:28).

I am asking you to join me in prayer for my husband. I know how impossible everything looks right now. Boy do I know, but I know that my God is the God of impossible. I know my God loves my husband more than I do. And I know that He wants Justin to come to Him.

I also know that the enemy is hard at work right now because this marriage means something. The enemy wouldn’t waste his time trying to destroy it if it didn’t. And while it’s probably easier for those who are reading this to say just how upset you are with my husband and how much you hate him, know that I do not, not even a little.

I encourage you to use this opportunity, this story, this request, to see Jesus at work. At work in my life, his life, our children’s lives, and hopefully in your own life. Do not let the enemy into your heart to hate my husband. That’s what the enemy wants, but instead just join me in praying.

Lord, protect my husband from the enemy’s lies. Protect him from the manipulation. Let him see the enemy for who he is: a liar and a deceiver. Let my husband realize that enemy just wants to destroy him. He may say all the right things we want to hear, but it is not truth. It is not in our best interest. Lord, protect my husband. I know what it took to get through to me, and I just pray that you get through to my husband. Even if he does file, even if he doesn’t want me as his wife anymore, I just pray that you protect him and love him. I pray these things in your name and for your glory and honor. Amen.

5 Replies to “The ‘D’ Word”

  1. Oh Lauren, how sad I am for you and for your children. I understand the pain and the fear you feel. Although my divorce was 13 years ago, your post brought back all those feelings and my heart aches for you. I’m so sorry you are going through this along with your kiddos. Mine were 1,3,5 and 7. Your faith is evident and it alone was what got me through that time of anguish. God has blessed me with an amazing husband who loves Him. Not that you are thinking of remarriage at this point, but I say this to encourage you that God does gve back the years the locusts have taken in many different ways. My prayer for you is daily strength and wisdom to handle all that is coming your way. Again, I am so sorry. If you need anything, I’m here. Also…… You are not dumb! You are full of grace and mercy that only comes from The Father!

  2. Please, please make sure you are protecting yourself and your children. Don’t let him drive the divorce process at your expense. Make sure you have financial records etc organized and that you are protected. Meet with attorneys and pick one. While you may not want this, you don’t have to, he can (and likely has) start to drive the process.

    If you don’t want to stay where you are, you need to consult with an attorney about your options.

  3. I am amazed at your strength an courage as you walk through this trial. My prayer for you is that you continue to lean on Jesus for comfort and wisdom. You’re doing a good job of fighting the evil one who is out to destroy all of us. You are a survivor.

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