Oh, Houston. What am I going to do with you? It’s no surprise just how much I don’t care for my current place of residence.
I guess there’s nothing wrong with Houston, the city, but it will never be my home. In fact, I still haven’t accepted that we are staying. For years, I’ve just felt like we’ve been on vacation, but as I left my home today to make the 18 hour trip back, I realized it’s nothing like vacation.
Yes, God has shared with me why we had to leave. He has been very clear with me on why we’re there, but just like any other impatient child I am constantly asking ‘can we go now?’
As I sat with my best friend the other day and shared just how much God had done for me in the last 2+ years she asked why it had taken so long for Him to let me visit.
I didn’t have an answer. And the truth is, it had been a touchy subject for sometime between God and myself.
I begged for years to come home. ‘God make a way, please,’ I pleaded.
When I found out about the cheating, I begged. During the separation, I begged. When I was walked out on over and over again, I begged, but the answer was always ‘not yet’.
It was hard to hear. Hard to accept. What had I done to deserve any of this? I was being the faithful wife. I was being the faithful servant, but the answer was always no.
As my friend and I talked I began to wonder why it had taken so long. And so I stepped into the bathroom and I asked Him.
‘Don’t you see how happy I am?’ I asked. ‘This was all I needed. Why did I have to be so unhappy for so long?’
Without hesitation, He answered. Like He had been anticipating this question for years.
‘I had to make sure you would go back.’
Instantly I knew He was right. Had I been given the opportunity to leave when I found out about the affair, I wouldn’t have come back. Had I left during the separation, I wouldn’t have come back. I would have lived for myself. It would have been easy to do. I bet no one would have told me to go back, right?
But it isn’t about me. It’s about Him. It’s about honoring Him. And trusting Him. And doing His will. Even if it’s hard. Even if it doesn’t make sense. Even if it seems unfair.
And so I’m on my way back. Am I happy? No. I’m actually pretty nervous and I’m scared. The last three weeks of my life were the happiest in a very long time and I’m scared to lose that, but the focus isn’t on me or my happiness. I’m just focusing on making Him happy and if I can do that by going back then that’s all there is to it.
My life is meant to serve Him. Bottom line.
But hopefully, He’ll let me come back and visit soon.