But I Can Believe

I have been struggling lately. Things just haven’t been making sense. And when things don’t make sense I find myself confused and disoriented.

See, I like to understand how things work. I need to know the 5 W’s and the ‘How’ is pretty important too. Perhaps it is my attempt at control that makes me more comfortable when these questions are asked and answered.

I like to replicate and repeat. Yes, I do have a creative side to me, but I’d rather get the answer right then have to think about creating an answer.

I also blame this on being the oldest child in my family. I was the pleaser. Always wanting to be right and to show people that I listened. I paid attention. And I could repeat like no other. So when things start to not make sense and when I can’t come up with a formula to answer the question I get nervous and stressed out.

Now I bet you can imagine just how crazy my life has been lately.

I have to be honest the Ashley Madison scandal makes me sick. While I may not have experienced it in this way, all it does is remind me of my broken marriage. I think about all the spouses who’s lives were just torn apart and my heart breaks for them because I know how it feels.

I know what it’s like to wake up one day and have your entire world completely changed. You wake up and you can’t help but wonder where you are because this wasn’t the life you had yesterday.

Not even close.

But what I know is that I couldn’t have got through any of it without Him. I stood no chance. But what I also know is that when you trust Him to get you through it you often give up the right to the answer of why.

I think that’s the question most unbelievers ask, ‘why?’. I know I used to ask it all of the time. If God was this then why…if God loved you then why…if God was truly all powerful then why…

You get the point.

I have prayed and prayed and prayed for the answers to the ‘whys’. I have spent countless hours asking God why. I have tried to make sense of the chaos myself just so that I could attempt the ‘why’.

But there is still no answer.

I wonder if the answer would actually make a difference. Would it suddenly be okay for all these awful things to happen if we knew why? No, I’m pretty sure it would hurt just the same. Maybe even worse.

See, I think the thing that separates believers from unbelievers is that we don’t have to understand they why, we just have to believe.

Does God love me? Of course. Then why would he let this happen to me?

“If He loves you, why would He hurt you this way? Why wouldn’t He just stop Justin from doing what He did?” I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had to answer this question.

The best I usually come up with is ‘I don’t know’.

But after thinking about it for a long time in a weird way, in a way that only works for God, He has taken this terrible awful thing and He has made it into one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

I can’t explain it. I don’t even know when it happened. I just know that it did. I just know that had it not happened I wouldn’t be where I am right now. I wouldn’t have a strong marriage. A marriage, that I am sure can handle anything. The kind of marriage I have prayed for over and over and over again.

If it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t love Him the way I do. I wouldn’t have learned to give it all to Him. I wouldn’t have learned to cling and pray and pray and cling the way that I have.

I can’t explain it. All I know is that He could have stopped it, I guess. Some people might think that takes power, but instead He chose to make it one of the best things to ever happen and, in my opinion, that takes a little more power.

What the enemy meant to crush me and to defeat me, my God used to make me stronger, happier and free.

I can’t understand it any further than the fact that He just loves me that much, but I can believe.

And I do.

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