I just got done listening to yesterday’s sermon from my church. Funny, before listening I had prayed to God to really speak to me. To let me know He was here.
The truth is, I haven’t felt very close to God lately. I’ve been busy. I know that’s an awful excuse, but the truth is I can get pretty caught up with life that I just, kind of, forget about Him. Really, it’s the little things. I still pray. I still do my devotionals everyday, but it’s the mundane life that usually keeps me away.
Like, when my marriage was falling apart and I had reached a place of utter desperation, it was easy for me to lean on Him. I needed Him. I couldn’t do it alone, but when it comes to things like my job or my paycheck or how I’m going to pay the bills this month, those things I kind of depend on myself for. I know I shouldn’t. Trust me, I know.
But I’m always trying to prove myself. Most people think that I am super cool and super confident all of the time. From my tattoos and my piercings (back in the day) to my ‘don’t give a sh*t’ attitude you would think, because that’s what I wanted, that I had it all together. That I didn’t care what other people thought.
Truth? I care a lot. Probably too much.
I live everyday of my life trying to prove to myself and to complete strangers that I have got it all together. My life. My family. My career. All of it. It’s perfect and it’s exactly how I want it to be.
Is it bad? No. I’m very blessed. I really do believe I have it all, but I certainly don’t have it all together.
I remember one time while Justin and I were separated I went to the grocery store by myself. I hadn’t been out for a few weeks. I felt like everyone knew that my marriage was falling apart. I couldn’t manipulate the situation to make them see what I wanted them to see. I was vulnerable and exposed. And I didn’t really care for that.
It felt good to get out of the house. To drive the car. To get a break from the kids, but as I walked up and down each aisle I became increasingly angry.
Liars! All of these ‘happy’ couples walking around the store or the singles on the phone with whomever was waiting at home for them, they were all liars in my book. No one was that happy. How did I know? Because I, too, had been a liar.
During the 9 weeks we spent apart I did a lot of thinking. For so long I had convinced myself that if I had just done this or that or if I was this or that then we would have the perfect marriage, the perfect family. I would be the perfect mother. The perfect career woman. I would have it all.
As I listened to yesterday’s sermon I realized that I was on a hamster wheel, going, going, going, never reaching my destination. Constantly comparing myself to everyone else. Creating false images in my head of how it was supposed to look. And setting myself and my family up for failure because I had based our success on lies.
I still want to work hard. I still want to succeed in my business, family, marriage, looks, weight and more. I do. But a weight has been lifted.
He doesn’t look at those things. Those things don’t define me. In His eyes, I am enough. You are enough.
I don’t know how that makes you feel when you actually sit down to think about that. I still struggle to believe it. Because I don’t see righteousness in me. I see a very broken, flawed, individual who can never seem to get it right. I see failure and disappointment. I see screw up’s and mistakes. I see defeat.
But the truth is He already won. We can be victors too. We are actually already.
But our eyes are flawed. The only way to see what we really are is through His eyes.
We don’t need to understand it. We couldn’t if we tried because it just doesn’t make any sense. He shouldn’t see us the way He does. He should see us the way we see ourselves. We are broken. And flawed. We always fall short. But He loves us so much that He doesn’t want to see us that way and so He sent His only son to die for us, to bear all of those ‘truths’ for us, so He could see the righteousness of Jesus Christ in us.
Think about that. Every time He looks at us, at you, at me, He sees Jesus Christ’s righteousness. And that’s it.
It’s not just on somedays or on the days when we’ve really done a good job, it’s all of the time.
So why do we compare ourselves to others? Why do we make up these images of ‘success’ in our minds? Why are we wasting our time trying to prove to everyone else that we are something? He already knows. Like a father, He is so proud of us already.
Why isn’t that good enough?
With Him there’s no hamster wheel. There’s no earning it. Deserving it. It just is. He loves us so much that it just is.
My prayer for us today is that we get to see ourselves the way He does. Even if it’s just one time. I just want to know what He sees when He looks at me. What about me is so great? How can He even love me? I’m such a mess most days. And more often than not I don’t deserve His love or grace. I’m a terrible representation of who He is. I just don’t get it.
“I just do.”