It never seems to fail. Every time I think things are good or looking up, I get knocked right back down.
Lately, I stumble trying to pick back up the pieces. I feel so broken and lately, if I can be honest, I’ve been focusing much more on the brokenness and less on Him.
I’ll be honest again, I’m mad. I am so mad at Him. I’m ready for the results, the finish line, and for some reason, I can’t get there.
9 weeks of this. 9 weeks of not knowing. Of letting everyone else decide what’s going to happen to me and my life. 9 weeks. I am peeved (and that’s putting it nicely).
I’m having a hard time understanding. I am scared to let go of what’s going on anymore because, quite frankly, I don’t like the way it’s being handled.
No results. No steps forward. I’ve become stagnant. I’ve become motionless.
I have been through hell and back, and while I believed for awhile that I had put some distance between myself and hell, I realize now I’m closer than I thought.
It scares me. I was so secure. So confident. And somehow I’ve become disoriented and I have forgotten.
‘Do you trust me?’
I don’t know anymore. 6 weeks ago, I knew I did, but I just don’t know anymore.
I feel like I just keep getting hurt the more I trust Him. I keep finding myself disappointed every time I trust Him. Not in Him, but because I have my own idea of how things should work.
Oh man, there it is again. Control.
I think back to Peter and how he chose to live his life. He trusted Jesus completely. He still stumbled and proved that he was simply human, but he trusted Him.
I want so badly to be like Peter, but I’m so tired of crying and hurting and being hurt. I’m tired of making justifications up in my head so I don’t feel stupid. I’m tired of putting on a show pretending I am strong when it takes every ounce of strength I have to get out of the bed each morning.
The truth is I am a mess. A sobbing, broken, untrusting mess and the sad thing is I’m choosing to be all these things.
The even sadder thing is I know better.
I have been so hurt and betrayed by people who were supposed to love me that I often compare myself to that of an abused dog. I cower away, afraid to really trust anyone because I’m tired of hurting. I am tired of being manipulated. I’m tired of the pain.
I trust no one. Not even Him, apparently.
Is my way better? Absolutely not. But at least I know what to expect. I just want to catch a break.
‘Do you hear me? I just want to catch a break!!’
I wish I could finish this with a revalation. An ‘ah-ha’ moment that brings me falling to my knees. I wish I could tell you that I can hear Him loud and clear and that I know what to do next. I wish for anything but what I’m about to tell you. But I don’t. I’ve got nothing.
To be continued…