You Are

It’s been 4 months since I’ve eaten wheat. It still surprises me every time I think about it. 4 months! I never thought that I would make it 4 days, and yet, I have absolutely no desire to ever eat it again.

Most people ask me how my ‘diet’ is going. I hate that question. I’m not on a diet. Diet’s have actually never worked for me. I have tried many diets, many, many diets, and I had the same results every time, failure.

No, this is different. This isn’t a diet. This is my life. This is my lifestyle. and it’s great.

I’ve seriously never felt better. I have energy. I can keep up with my kids and on the really good days, I can outlast them. My clothes, all of my clothes, now are too big. It’s a struggle finding something to wear because I can honestly say ‘nothing really fits’. Nothing. And this time it isn’t because I can’t get anything to button.

I still haven’t stepped on a scale. Not sure that I will unless I have to. Maybe one day, but for right now I realize ‘fit’ isn’t a number.

But more than any of this, more than the weight falling off, more than my waist getting smaller, more than just how incredible I feel, I am confident, finally.

Is my body perfect? Heck no. I can see where aging has finally started to take it’s course. Things don’t look the way they used too. There’s still a few things I’m working on, like that little lower belly pooch (it’s almost gone!). But when I look in the mirror, I don’t just like what I see, I love what I see.

I have spent my entire life not really liking myself. I have spent my entire life looking at myself the way I thought other people looked at me. I had been believing a lie that I was not pretty enough or skinny enough. I didn’t have the right body. I just didn’t like myself, at all.

Yes, eliminating wheat and cutting my sugar down to almost nothing has certainly helped the way I look and feel, but that’s not all of it. It’s Him.

I don’t know what happened or even when it happened. There wasn’t a monumental moment where everything just sort of ‘clicked’. I’m not even sure there was a transition period. It was almost, as if, I woke up one day and I just really liked myself, but it was so nonchalant that I didn’t even really pay attention.

I have spent most of my life comparing myself to everyone else. And the results were always the same, I was different. And somewhere along the lines ‘different’ was a bad thing.

I began bra shopping in second grade. I hated it. I couldn’t understand why I had to get a bra when none of my friends did, but my body didn’t look like theirs.

I was never ‘fat’ growing up, but I was tall, and I had boobs, so I didn’t look like my friends. I couldn’t share clothes, heck, or even shoes, for that matter. I was so different.

Going to prom my shoe selection was limited to flats because I would be so much taller than my date. I hated it. Was it too much to ask to wear heels like everyone else?

But looking back at all of this, all of these moments, I realize now that I was believing a lie. Nothing, but a lie.

No, I would still look pretty funny in heels, although sometimes I’ve been known to wear a pair now and again, and I’m too old to share clothes with friends, and my boobs, well, they’re still here, but over the last 6 weeks I have learned to love myself. Really love myself.

Yes, I have lost weight. Yes, I’m wearing smaller sizes than in high school, but that’s not it. I could still pick out flaws if I wanted too. I could still find people to compare myself too. Mainly those young college girls who hang out at the pool in practically nothing. (I still wonder how everything stays put in their swimsuit choices.) But I don’t see myself the same way anymore. Nope, I see myself the way He sees me. And for reasons I cannot explain nor ever really understand, He absolutely loves me just the way I am.

God doesn’t make mistakes, like I used to think. He doesn’t mess up. He made me just the way He wanted me to be, but for so long I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see what He saw. I could only see what the world saw and by the world’s standards I had fallen very, very short.

Looking back onto the last 31 years I can pinpoint the choices I have made in my life based on the lie that I believed that I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough. I sought attention from the wrong places. Looking back, I know I hated myself even though I never admitted it. I would smile and pretend everything was fine. It became a defense mechanism, one that I perfected over time.

No, I still don’t look the way the world wants me to, but that’s okay, and, I promise, this isn’t a defense mechanism. I’m not worried about what the world wants or what the world expects or even what the world thinks is pretty enough or good enough. I don’t care about a number on a scale either. I love who I am because He loves me.

I wish I could give you more than that. I wish I had a more profound answer, one that I had spent years looking for, but the truth is, I didn’t even look for this. I didn’t even know how to. But He is just so loving and so gracious that He knew I needed to know just how beautiful He thinks I am and He was right because now that changes everything.

So today, my prayer for you, my friends, is that you can see what He sees. Even when the world is telling you, you aren’t, my prayer is that you hear Him say, you are.


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