I don’t even have a word to describe how I’m feeling right now. For a writer to not come up with a word, well, that’s just not normal, but I can’t. I have tried. I have spent hours, days, weeks trying to put into words, into a word, how I feel and I can’t.
I do know I’m tired. And I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m relieved. I’m angry. I’m uncomfortable. But even that doesn’t do it justice.
I know how I should act. What I should say. Not say. Do. Not do. I get it. He has made Himself very clear.
Right now is one of the strangest times in my life. I won’t get into details. Nothing makes sense and yet, everything makes sense.
You see, because right now, right now, I’m only following Him. And I’ll be honest, it doesn’t make any sense. It goes against everything I would do. And I’m not bragging or anything, but I mean, has He seen how much I try to control? I’m just saying, I may know a thing or two. ;)
But I’m following Him. And I’m doing it His way. And it’s hard. And it sucks. And most days I just sit and cry. I have (most) everyone telling me something else. Offering their advice. What they would do. How they would handle it. What I should be feeling. And most days the advice I get is the advice I would have given myself before I decided to let Him do His thing.
I do not like being patient. I do not like not knowing what’s going to happen. It kills me. It eats at me. It destroys me, but what I’m learning is that might not be such a bad thing after all.
I mean, who can argue that becoming more patient or more loving or less controlling could be a bad thing?
‘Well, how do you know it’s God telling you to be still and patient?’ Well, that’s easy, it’s because I don’t want to be. This is the refiner’s fire. Except God has given me an opportunity to watch and be aware of the changes taking place in me. (Thank you Lord for that blessing!)
I know that every single time it hurts that what it means is that I’m one step closer to Him. I am one step closer to being who He made me to be. I know that when it hurts, but I still obey it means that He is proud. I know that when I stop dead in my tracks and I can’t even imagine how I’m going to make it, I know He’s there guiding me every step of the way.
I know that I don’t deserve Him. I don’t deserve to be picked up. I don’t deserve, most days, to be blessed or loved. I have walked down the path of my life and I have been convicted of every single choice I made. Choices I didn’t even realize or choices I didn’t even think meant anything. Every choice I have made has brought me here.
Some of you who know what’s going on may think when you read that, that it isn’t a good thing. From the outside I could see why you would lose hope. I understand why you would think I didn’t do anything, but I’m telling you, I did. Looking back, looking way back, I see exactly what I did.
I tried to do it on my own. It’s not complicated. It’s not hard to figure out. I am where I am because I tried to do it on my own. Years of me always being right because I was ‘in charge’. Always being the victim because, well, it was my plan that wasn’t working out. I was selfish and self-centered. I was everything I hated, but too busy pointing it out to everyone else, but myself.
“But God, look what they did!” “But God, I mean, I wasn’t that bad.” “But God, he made me do it.” “But God, I had no choice.”
When I would make one mess I would try to clean it up only to make another and another and yep, you guessed it, another. But I still wouldn’t let it go. I had to look out for myself. Take care of myself. Do it for myself because who else would?
Isn’t that what the world teaches u? We need to be the best. Have the most. Look out for ourselves. Me! Me! Me! (didn’t I just talk about this?)
Well, now I know. He would. He does. He is.
I need Him in everything. Not just the little things. Not just when I want Him there. Not when He’ll pick my side. Nope, I need Him in everything. We all do.
I wish things were different right now. I wish things would go back to normal. But I also see the woman that God is making me. I see the impact of what He’s doing in my life affecting others. And I have never felt more loved than I have for the last few weeks, so I don’t want to change that. And if that means doing it His way, fine by me.
But it isn’t comfortable. It’s like I can feel the actual growing pains taking place, and I battle every single day wondering how I’m going to take the next step. How am I ever going to get through this? When is it going to get better? Haven’t I gone through enough?
And then He reminds me to just breathe. Then I remember that I can’t even do that on my own.
I actually need Him for everything. The only thing I have control over is admitting that or not.
For you, O God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs; you let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance. Psalm 66:10-12