I’m not even sure where to start. So much has been happening. I have been a mess. I have been angry. So. Very. Angry.
I knew the day I found out that my husband had cheated on me that it wasn’t going to be an easy road to healing. I knew that. What I didn’t know was that it would be the longest road I have ever been on with no end in sight.
While I have made huge improvements, there are a lot of times when I just fall on the ground in pure moments of defeat.
My theme for the last few weeks, (months, probably, if I’m being honest) ‘But why God?’ Now just say that in your best 31 year old high pitch whine. Yep, there it is.
Shouldn’t I be better now?!
Yesterday marked one year since me and the kids had been in our accident. After an entire year it has only been the last few weeks that I can get into a car and not be as afraid. I’m still a little nervous, but have you seen Houston drivers?! However, I’m not afraid because I don’t think I could die, but rather I’m okay if we do. I’ve put my full trust in God, well, when it comes to the car.
I want to be okay when it comes to this marriage and I want to let Him have complete control, but you know what that means, it means I give up that control.
But God why?
Now for those of you who may not believe that God is listening, He is. Always. The question is, are we? Because looking back I see where God repeatedly answered me, but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear and so I kept asking until I was finally able to listen.
I prayed for weeks. What should I do? Tell me what to do. I’ll do whatever it is, I just want to be healed.
I struggle with trust and betrayal. I sit at home and I question every thought I’ve had. I can drive myself pretty crazy with all of my questions. And I was furious when I couldn’t get the answers I wanted.
But God why?
So then, still not listening, I asked God to fill me with His Holy Spirit and lead me to His word so that I can have the answers I need. That’s what the people do at church or the ones who I really think have got their walk together. They always find the answer in the bible. I’m never really sure where to look. Sometimes I just wish the bible would flip to the page supernaturally just so I know where to start, but I’m still waiting for that to happen. ;)
But immediately, I was reminded of a familiar story. Jesus’ life. Especially, you know, that part where He was betrayed?!
A huge struggle for me has been the isolation I have felt because of this affair. No one knows what I’ve been through. They try, but they have no clue. The pain is raw. I lost something very close to me. I was betrayed by someone I never would have expected to betray me. And it’s something I have to deal with and experience every single day of my life.
Yep, there it is.
I’ve always been reminded that Jesus feels what we feel because He experienced all of it when He died for our sins, but in my case, Jesus actually knows a thing or two about betrayal, right?
And what did He do? Nothing. He knew He was going to be betrayed and He just went with it because He also knew to trust His father.
He trusted God so much that He was SILENT about His betrayal and betrayer. Silent! I can’t even imagine.
The thing is when you’re being betrayed or you think you’re going to be betrayed the last thing you want to do is be silent. No, you want to do something, say something, stand up for yourself, something, but Jesus did nothing.
So as I’m asking God what to do and He is being blatantly obvious with His answer and I can’t help but realize as much as I have thought that it was up to other people for me to heal, it wasn’t. It would not have anything to do with anyone else, but rather it would have everything to do with me and my relationship with God.
And honestly, it would have nothing to do with my husband. (Much to my surprise!)
There was the answer.
Nothing. Do nothing. Just trust God.
But. God. Why.
Don’t you think I should say something? Do something?
Jesus sat with his betrayer. He was friends with his betrayer. He loved his betrayer. And His was the ultimate betrayal. So God knows betrayal. Jesus knows every emotion I feel when I think about it. I’m not actually alone. In fact, I would say it’s the complete opposite. I have an expert in the field.
I have spent so much time searching for answers. Was it me? Was it worth it? Why him? Why her? What were you thinking? Was I not good enough? Why would you do this to me? What did I ever do to you?
But none of that matters. Those answers won’t heal me.
Actually, because God is so good, I have this example, this detailed outline of what to do. I don’t have to do it by myself.
And now I have the only answer I need, actually the only answer any of us will ever need, Jesus.
Thank you Lord for sending your son to die for me and for us. Thank you that we have the answers we are looking for in and through you. Thank you that you love us enough to never make us do this on our own. In Jesus’ name, Amen.