Conversations

I’m having coffee at our dining room table this morning. I’ve spent the morning catching up on emails and phone calls. I’m still in my pajamas. Adelaide is watching some cartoons whIle her brother still sleeps.

I am so grateful for this life.

As I sit back and I look, really look, at what my life is, I realize just how blessed I am.

It hasn’t always been easy. There have been a lot of ugly moments that I wish never existed, but without their existence, we wouldn’t be here.

I remember our first apartment. We had just moved to North Carolina from Texas. I was so happy to be home, but we didn’t have anything. No exaggeration. We had nothing.

Eventually, we got some lawn chairs for the living room. Friends would bring over odds and ends that they no longer needed. We slept on a air mattress, that by the morning had completely deflated, but it was ours.

And it was perfect.

So this morning, as I’m sipping coffee, I realize just how far we’ve come. It has taken years, but we actually have a home. But really, He did it. He has made every little piece fall perfectly into place. He has provided our every need and even a few wants.

I have wanted a dining room table for years. The idea of sitting together and having dinner together was huge for me. Some of my most favorite memories as a child happened at the dinner table. I wanted the structure of eating together. I wanted no distractions other than conversations that have us laughing too hard. No phones. No TV. Just a family, being a family.

For 5 years I have wanted a dining room table, but for 5 years we could never get one. Either we had no dining room or we had no extra money to spend. The answer was always no.

Well, this year was no different, well maybe a little different, this year as I made out our Christmas lists I added ‘dining room table’ under my name. I knew it was a long shot, but I thought ‘why not?’.

I moved my office into the bedroom, ensuring there would be enough room for a dining room table. I told Justin that dependent on his paycheck, I would be using my Christmas money and some paycheck money for a dining room table. The plan was set.

I still needed to do Christmas shopping, but I had to wait until Justin got paid. I was praying every night for an amazing paycheck. One of those paychecks that only happen every so often. A paycheck that is able to pay all the bills and still leave a substantial amount of money leftover for whatever you want. I had so many plans for this paycheck and I knew that it was going to work out. It had too, it was a part of the plan.

Well, we got paid. It was a good check, but it wasn’t what I had wanted. Quickly I became discouraged.

There would be no way that I could afford Christmas, bills, groceries, and a dining room table. In fact, I was probably going to have to take my Christmas money, the money I wanted to use for a table, and I was going to have to use it to buy the kids a few gifts from Santa.

I was so mad. Poor me. Nothing ever works out the way I want. I never get the things I want. I just keep sacrificing and for what? What’s the point? What do I get out of this? It wasn’t a conversation I enjoyed having, but it had been a conversation that I had been having more often these last few months.

I had been feeling really sorry for myself lately. Life wasn’t fair and I was making sure that everyone knew just how I felt.

So that night, I went to bed angry. ‘Lord, I just wanted a dining room table.’

The next morning I woke up to an email from a church friend. ‘Do you guys have a dining room table? We have one we don’t use anymore if you’d like to have it.’

I rubbed my eyes and read the email again. I couldn’t believe it.

He is just so amazing. I realized just how easy it was for Him to provide my family our first dining room table. I had never actually asked Him for a table. I actually never included Him in that conversation at all. I was going to get a table. I was going to make it happen. Me. Me. Me.

Well, that’s not exactly how it works. I, we, cannot do anything on our own. We can try. We can exhaust ourselves, but we never actually get anything done. He does. It’s always Him.

So this morning, as I’m sipping coffee, writing this post, listening to my little girl laugh, and watching my son sleep so soundly, I realize that while Justin and I have worked very hard to get where we are, none of this would be possible without Him.

He made this house our home. He filled this house with love and wants and needs. We are beyond blessed, not because of the things we have, but because we have a Father who loves us and who is always with us and who is always listening to us. We just gotta make sure we’re talking.

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Photo Credit: Lauren Falber

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