I’ve been feeling pretty stupid lately.
I will never actually know if he’s cheating or not. Because before, before all of this, I was certain he never would. People would ask me ‘Do you think he’s cheating?’ And I would tell them with such confidence that they were completely wrong, because Justin would never do that.
Now, well, now I don’t know. He could be. He probably isn’t. But what if he is? The conversation goes on until I fall asleep, every day. Every. Single. Day.
I sit at home and I wonder how stupid I look. It’s a no-win situation. He’s either cheating or he’s not and I’ve just become crazy and obsessed. Either way, I’m just sitting here looking pretty silly right now.
There are still days where it feels like I just found out yesterday. I have my fair share of those days. It still hurts. When I’m cooking dinner and I’m thinking about all of the things God has blessed me with and all of the answered prayers and all of the things I have to be grateful for, I can’t help but to be immediately reminded of this one thing. This one ‘bad’ thing.
I’ve never blamed God for what happened. I know that He would never do anything to hurt me. But other people that I have talked to don’t understand that.
They can’t understand why if my God is so big and powerful, then why wouldn’t he have stopped this from happening. Because I didn’t deserve it. That we could all agree on, so why didn’t He stop it?
Well, the obvious answer is free will. The next answer I have didn’t make sense to me until recently. Well, not that it didn’t make sense, but that I was too angry to see it and recognize it.
He used this, He uses this, terrible, terrible, terrible time to bless me, to answer prayers, and to help me grow a deeper relationship with Him.
Oh, the blessings are HUGE! The impossible is suddenly possible. He has softened my heart. I am loving people because He loves them. I am more patient. I still get angry, but I’m slow, so much slower, to get there. I am a better mother, daughter, sister, friend. I’m even a better wife. And with everything that has happened, is happening, I’d say that’s a pretty big miracle.
But it still hurts. I still ask why. But I guess the answer really doesn’t matter because as long as I can live to glorify Him, that’s what I want now.
Because if it wasn’t for Him I wouldn’t be standing here, sharing this with you. He has given me the words and the story, but more than that He has given me the strength.
As much as I had hoped that once I had chosen to forgive and move forward, I could put all of this behind me, I couldn’t. Like I said before, ‘all of this’ is what I think about all of the time. It didn’t go anywhere.
And it didn’t even get perfect (behind the keyboard is a slight bit of sarcasm). Yes, I knew that things weren’t going to become perfect overnight, but there is a stage after finding out about an affair called the ‘Honeymoon’ Stage. It’s a few days, maybe a few weeks where everything seems perfect. Unfortunately, it was just a competition, just for show. I wanted to prove to Justin that he made the right choice. That I was just as ___________ (fill in the blank) as she was. I was determined to make this mean something. This pain, this heartache, these feelings, I needed to make them mean something and for about a week, they did. But then there are so many more stages after an affair and they aren’t nearly as fun as the Honeymoon stage.
So then you start to feel stupid. I shouldn’t have to compete with anyone, in fact, I don’t compete because, as far as I am concerned, I am and should always be #1. So then he should be so thankful that I did choose to stay, and why isn’t he more thankful? Why hello, Pride. It’s so nice to see you again.
And then you crash again. Head first. Back on the ground. You are disoriented and you have no idea how you got there. You’re alone. You realize the answers to your questions don’t exist. You watch 30 years come crashing down all around you. Nothing is what it appears to be and some of that is good, some of that is great, but nothing is the same.
Not just your marriage, but every relationship you have is suddenly impacted. Everything looks so different. But you aren’t scared.
There’s something familiar about this place. Something that lets you know everything is going to be just fine.
He helps you up. He brushes you off. You know He’s looking you right in the face even though you can’t see Him. He tells you He has big plans for you. Before you can even doubt how He could use you, He reassures you that He can and He is.
He lets you know that you’ve never been stupid, not once. He reminds you that He is both man and God and He felt everything that you felt. He cried when you cried. His heart broke when yours did, but He wants you to remember that He is bigger than all of it and He has plans for you. Oh man, does He have plans for you.
He knows that some days are going to be easy for you and some days are going to be a struggle. He wants you to lean on Him no matter what kind of day you’re having. If you don’t feel loved by anyone else, He wants you to know just how much He loves you and He wants you to feel that love every single day.
It’s hard to remember that. Especially when a person who says they love you, could choose to hurt you this way.
Remember every relationship was impacted. My relationship with God was impacted by Justin’s affair. And sometimes I base God’s feelings towards me on Justin’s feelings. But when I can clear my mind and I can go back to the basics, I remember just how much better this relationship is.
I never really let God do His job. I was always fighting with Him, trying to do it my way, sure, my way, got results, but His way has been so much better. He’s doing things for me and my family I never would have known to ask for.
So yes, the affair sucks. Not much as changed in that area. Yes, it’s still very hard. Somedays I don’t even want to look at my husband, other days I wonder if I made the right choice to stay, and then somedays I know I made the right choice. No, I’m not anywhere near being over it. But the thing is, something that should have destroyed my trust, is the reason for my trust. You see, I thought I knew the people I could count on. I thought I knew who I could trust, but that wasn’t true. The people I thought wouldn’t hurt me, have.
He’s really the only one I can count on. No matter what the circumstance or the feeling or the reason, He’s going to be there. On time. Ready to fight on my behalf. And you too. He’ll fight for you too.
We just have to let Him know that we want Him too.