The funny thing about my husband is that when he goes to church with us, when we are able to go as a family, he always has us sitting up close, right smack dab up front, well, technically third row back, but for the girl who has set in the same area since she started going it always throws me, and some of the others in the congregation, for a loop.
I don’t know why I like the back so much, but I do. I feel comfortable there. When my husband takes me up front, I am completely out of my element. I feel exposed.
But yesterday, I needed to be up front. I needed to be as close to Jesus as I could. Because as I sat, exposed, I also found myself convicted. I was sure the whole church could see, but this message, this was another one of God’s many personal conversations with me.
It was like it was just the two of us. Father and daughter.
I quickly realized that it’s not the row that makes me feel exposed, but rather, it’s the conversation I have with God that does.
He knows everything. He knows the things I try and hide from the rest of the world. He knows every thought, word, emotion I have ever felt or said or will feel or say.
Oh man, I’m not a fan of being exposed.
So as we talked, He wasn’t mean, He was patient. I could hear it in His voice. He didn’t want me to be upset, He wanted me to pay attention. I wasn’t doing anything that bad, but I was doing enough.
“We are so quick to seek the things of the kingdom but never the King.”
I froze. Actually, I sank down a little further in my seat. What did he just say??
I thought about it. I replayed the words in my head a few more times, but no matter how I said it, I knew it was true. In my case, it was so true.
Don’t get me wrong, I love God. I really do. But I think that most of the time, and I hate admitting this, this may be the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever admitted, but I think that most of the time I love His blessings more.
I love it when the bills are paid. I love the things He provides. The extra money on my paycheck. The new sweater that I’ve been keeping my eye on. The busy months with Beautycounter. The cup of coffee He provides each morning.
“You don’t want me, you want what I can give you temporarily.”
It hurt to hear Him say these things to me, but He was right. He was so right.
I came to Him most of the time, when I needed something. When I wanted something. When I was desperate. When I had given up on figuring it out on my own. Then I would come to Him. When nothing else worked, I would come to Him.
After the fact.
‘Lord, if you could please just fix this or do that or make this possible.’
In Father/Daughter terms I would be nothing more than a spoiled brat.
That wasn’t what I wanted to be like. God isn’t a magician. He isn’t a long, lost genie who has come to grant me my wishes. He is God. And let’s be honest, He’s given me all that I need when He sent His only son to die for me.
He’s given us all what we need.
And so there I sat, up front, exposed, convicted, and completely happy.
Happy because He was changing my heart right in front of my eyes. I could feel it softening.
Instead of me asking God what He can do for me, Now I want to know what I can do for Him.
Now I want the King more than the things of the kingdom.