This past week God began yet another transformation in me. I’ve been so hungry for the Word lately. I just want to know more. I want to be better for Him. And I just want to grow this relationship deeper and deeper.
The truth is, I have fallen in love with God.
But as much growth as I’ve made, as much progress and as many steps forward I have taken, I had to stop. I didn’t want to. I pleaded to let me keep going, but He said no.
It’s true, I’m tired. I’m exhausted and so it makes sense, but this may just be the hardest thing He has ever asked of me.
And I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you how scared I am. How terrified I am. Because this is it. Once this is done, I won’t be the same. I’m giving myself up.
I don’t know why I struggle to hang on to myself. This is what I want. This is my story. This is a new beginning, a second chance, but it’s still so very scary.
‘Forgive them.’ He said.
I didn’t have to ask any questions. I knew what He wanted. I knew exactly what He wanted.
He didn’t have to explain. He didn’t have to repeat Himself. I knew.
I also knew not to argue with Him. He’s been so patient with me. He has watched me make mistake after mistake, but He has loved me unconditionally through every second of it.
I could do this for Him. Not just because I needed to ,but because I want to.
I finally desire His will over my own.
I could justify why I shouldn’t have to forgive them. I have every reason in the book why I shouldn’t forgive them and not one of those reasons makes me look bad.
It makes sense NOT to forgive them. It would be typical and normal for me not to forgive them, but that’s not His desire. That’s not His will. I am to love like He loves. That means that I have to forgive them. He’s forgiven me.
It isn’t easy. No matter how much I want to do this for Him, it isn’t easy. It is the hardest thing He’s ever asked me to do. I wish I could tell you that everything changed in one moment, maybe it kind of did, but the forgiveness, that’s not something that’s just going to happen. That is going to be hard work, but I look forward to the day where I do it with ease, where the choice isn’t something that makes me cringe with anger and hurt. Where I just wake up and they are forgiven.
This can only happen with Him. I know that. And until I have forgiven them, all of them, every single one of them, and believe me, there’s a very long list, this is where I sit, and I’m okay with that. So while I sit here, while I regain my strength, while I rest up, I ask you to keep me in your prayers.
Pray for strength. Pray for patience and peace for me during this season. Pray for me to forgive all of those who have hurt me. Those that are on the top of my head and those that I don’t even realize I need to forgive. Prayers that I can draw closer and closer to God and that above all else His will be done, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. No matter how angry or mad it makes me. No matter how many nights I cry myself to sleep. His will, that’s all that really matters.
And finally prayers that when this is done, when I have forgiven them, that He will live in me and that people will see the kind of transformations only He can do, through me.